I could use some advice - Al-Anon Family Group

Jeannie · ~*Service Worker*~

I could use some advice

AlaMom · Senior Member

(((((Jeannie)))))

What a difficult situation for you and your husband. First and foremost - please remember above all else to take care of you. Remember that you cannot help him if you cant help yourself.

What I can tell you from my experiences is that this disease for many A's magnifies their feelings of grief exponentionally. When my husband lost his grandmother he was inconsolable. No matter what I tried, nothing worked. It became apparent that I had to leave him to his grief. I had to detach from him. After consulting a psychologist, I was told that all of my attempts of consoling him were actually prolonging the process and that I should back off. It was hard as my stepping back to my husband felt like another loss - and it was harsh for a while. However, it was what was needed - and it slowed his drinking down considerably for a time.

It is so very hard for us not to try and fix what is wrong with the ones we love. However, sometimes the best way to fix things is to leave them alone and let them fix themselves.

I wish you both the best.

Karen

KathyS · Senior Member

Wow Jeanne this sounds like a pretty serious situation. I know we're not supposed to give advice either, but I'll make some suggestions and just try to think this through with you.

I don't see why a grief counseler wouldn't see an alcoholic. Alcoholic or not he is grieving. You mentioned he doesn't have a strong relationship with his HP, would he consider maybe going to church with you? Speaking to a pastor?

Whenever I've seen someone mention having their A's commited for their addiction, I always share my story of how I did that and it did nothing whatsoever to help. But I think this is a different sort of situation. You're not trying to help him with his alcoholism here, you're genuinley concerned with his state of mind and depression. If you truley believe he may be suicidal, have you thought about a baker act? Just something to consider. They usually hold a person for up to 72 hours and it's for stabilization and evaluation.

Unfortunately I know the pain of losing a parent , both my parents passed away within 3 months of each other when I was 18. My dad on Sept 25th and my mom on Dec 15th. It was the most difficult time of my entire life. I pretty much went off the deep end. I went on a drinking spree that lasted almost 2 years. So it's understandable that your husband is suffereing right now. Grieving the loss of a loved one is a process. Usually the first emotion is denial........you just can't/won't accept they're gone, then comes anger......anger at yourself, anger at your deceased loved one (how could you leave me??), then comes acceptance and the grieving really begins. The fact that your husband is blaming himself personally concerns me. To my knowledge this is not one of the typical emotions of the grieving process. I too would be concerned.

Does he have a primary care doctor that perhaps you both could go together to see? To help get his blood pressure under control and also maybe the doctor would have some suggestions. Maybe antidepressents are needed for a short time or something? I Honestly don't know.

I'm glad you're reaching out for support for yourself during this difficult time. Keep praying and trusting God to take care of you both right now. Let us know how everythings going.

lin0606 · ~*Service Worker*~

This might be part of the common A failing - they can't handle strong emotion, must run to the bottle and hide from it.
I have lost a parent, and although it is hard, it is also something that we all must do. I don't want to sound harsh, but a certain amount of "suck it up, this is what life brings" is necessary. Is it possible that your support is just reinforcing his feeling that he can't handle it? If everybody behaved as if he CAN handle it, maybe he would be able to, better?

You know him, I don't, so don't know if this is totally out of line.

Jeannie · ~*Service Worker*~

Thanks Everyone,

He has an appointment with his Dr on Thursday about his blood pressure, maybe I can go too and talk with him as well.

The blaming himself is understandable under the circumstances even though he shouldn't.

My husband was there when his Dad fell. Becasue of the parkinsons he took quite a few falls, he refused to use a walker and wanted to stay active. This one seemed no different than the rest. He did tell my husband he hit his head, but there was no bump, no blood and he said he was ok. That was in the morning. My Mother In Law went shopping and my husband left. I spoke to his Dad around noon and he seemed fine. My husband went over around 5 at night and his Dad appeared to be asleep on the couch. My Husband needed to ask him something so he tried to wake him. He wouldn't wake up, vomited and his arm started flailing. My husband called the ambulance and they transported him to the hospital. It turned out that he had a cerebral hematoma that caused his brain to swell, slowly through the day, The Dr said he felt no pain, just a sense of extreme tiredness as the brain swelled. That is probably why he layed down. If my husband had not tried to wake him, he would have passed in his sleep. This was on December 22.

He had surgery to relieve the pressure and unfortunately his age and his weak heart made it impossible for him to ever regain conciousness. He died on the 28th.

My husband believes that if he had stayed with him it would have been different. He said maybe he could have prevented the fall, but if not then he could have gotten him to the hospital sooner. The Doctor said it would not have mattered. No matter what they would have had to relieve the pressure with surgery and the few hours would not have given him more strength. In fact with no sign of head injury, they might have sent him home anyway and the result would have been the same. Nothing would have saved him, but my husband said he had hit him in the face to try and revive him and thinks he may have casued more damage. Nothing will convince him that he could not have done anything.

Thanks for your suggestions

jeannie

-- Edited by Jeannie at 21:15, 2006-01-09

txmom · Veteran Member

((((((Jeannie)))))) and ((((HubbY)))). I'm so sorry to hear of this loss. I don't know if a grief counselor will see an active A or not. But (if he's sober) if you have "grief groups" in your area I'd check that out. We found our grief counselor thru such a group. Also on the web there's a site much like this one. The foundation is called G.R.O.W.W. http://www.groww.com/ They have message boards and live chat for different "groups" (ie. lost a spouse, a parent, a child, etc). The live chats are moderated and I've found the people there to be very supportive and honest. I've learned that grief is a process. Well when I read my first little pamphlet it gave the steps (so being a good al-anoner) I wanted to progress thruogh those stages and "work" them as I had my al-anon steps. OOOPS I found out it doesn't work that way. It's "normal" to be in 2 stages at once, or progress 2 or 3 stages and wind up back where you started. To put it bluntly grief/death sucks. The blame and guilt are normal and he's got other problems that make them harder for him. If he can get some support from folks that have been there I HIGHLY recommend that he takes advantage of it.

I'll be praying for all of you.

lildee · Senior Member

Dearest Jeannie,

Death , dying and illness is what sent my hubby into his addictions to begin with. For many of us we have no idea how to express the grief and pain and loss that we are feeling inside. This is especially true with the males in our society who were brought up believing "men don't cry." (It was the case with my hubby).

Last week we had to lay hubby's sponsor to rest. He died from cancer. Fortunately his sponsor and I did a lot of talking about death and dying. The one thing that seemed to penetrate with hubby was this...

"We are born, we live, and we die. What is important is how many hearts you touch while you are here. It is not how much wealth you have accumulated, what fancy toys you will leave behind and so on. You will be remembered for the emotions you have stirred up in another person."

Learning that death is part of life and accepting that, is key. Sounds obvious but so many remain in denial that they can't or won't deal with their feelings. For us talking, remembering the good memories, crying, venting about those who have passed has opened the path to acceptance.

Kubler - Ross has done some excellent work in the area of death & dying and the stages we move through. Grief counseling may help to get the discussion started. But is ultimately up to each person to accept death at their own pace.

Hope this helps.

Love & God Bless

lildee

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