The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have a dilemma. My A created this mess, and he did it sober. He does it all the time too. Anyway, he told his mom, who lives in Oklahoma, and who he does not have close relationship with (there are some issues there that I can't even get into b/c I don't even know the full extent of them, but I do know she has some drug and alcohol issues.), he told her that he mailed her christmas gifts, and pictures of our kids(who she has NEVER met, and my oldest is 3). Well she called and left this message that she is so hurt we didn't send her anything for christmas, and she is still his mother, and all this other stuff. Well my A wants ME to call her and tell her that I lost her new address, so I sent the stuff to the old address, and it was sent back. I have only talked to this woman on the phone like once or twice. I do NOT want involved in this! I talked to his step-mom(who is the one who raised him, and the one he considers his mom)and she said not to involve myself. So I told him I didn't want involved, and why couldn't HE call her and tell her HE lost her address if he wanted to lie. He was like "oh come on, it is no big deal"but I am VERY uncomfortable with it. She called our house twice today, and he didn't answer(I was at work-but he told me)I feel kind of bad for the woman, and she deserves a call back, but I am against getting involved. I know I will break down and do it, but I don't want to. Is this wrong of me? I told my A it made me uncomfortable, but he obviously didn't care, so I don't even know how to get him to back off! any advice would be appreciated. Thanks for listening!
Well you asked for advice, so here is my two bits...
IMHO, your A is being unreasonable with you, for even asking you to lie for him. This is his thing, and he can do whatever HE wants, but it isn't right to expect others to be part of it. If his birth mom makes contact with you, I would simply defer her back to your hubby. It really IS none of your business (which is great for you!!)
Take care
Tom
p.s. I always like the quote "the best thing about always telling the truth is never having to remember what you told certain people". Lies are required to cover up lies, and the cycle never stops.
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Just a reminder.. Enabling is doing something for someone when they are perfectly capable of doing it themselves. This goes for everyone in our lives, sober or not sober. If enabling continues, it never stops, it is expected of you. You said he does this all the time..does that mean he's used to having you pick up his pcs. too? I've often said that these types of situations are so much like dealing with children. In my experience it has helped me to think of it that way and ask myself questions... Would I do this for my child? Would I lie for him? Or would I make him face his own consequences and learn from the experience in hopes that he would handle it differently next time. I'd choose to make him be responsible and hopefully learn from it. I would not get sucked in, especially when asked to lie. He lied about sending gifts and now wants (you) to lie about the reason she didn't get them. It has led to his avoidance of phone calls, when simply, the truth in the first place would have kept any of this from happening. Those kind of things come back and bite you in the butt, not him, because it is YOU that has chosen to lie if he gets his way.. Nothing changes.. if nothing changes... It's got to start somewhere.
take care Christy
__________________
If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I have found for me that "the messenger always gets shot." It's one thing when the message I am delivering is mine and I get shot for it. It is another when I am delivering someone elses message (which I no longer do thank Goodness) and I get shot. Also, in my family, clearly blood is thicker than water. We always forgive our own and not necessarily the "out" laws.
That's my take and experience when I did not mind my own business and keep the focus on my side of the street.
Good luck,
Maria123
__________________
If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
I think the task of not involving myself in the A's life is very very hard. Of course I am powerless over the A's life and I am certain he has told tons of lies to many many many people about me. And that hurts a great deal.
Recently he asked me to call in sick for him. I refused. He can call in sick himself. A friend of mine told me recently that addicts invite us into their chaos. Of course living with an alcoholic involves a certain amount of chaos after all that is part and parcel of their disease. How to not be involved in it is key. I can also get extremely resentful over stuff and in time my resentment level gets toxic.
I have to detoxify not for the A but for myself. I quickly become non functional in so much toxicity.
hi Leah, One of the most helpful things I've learned on this message board is to stay out of the relationship between my husband and his parents. I was tempted to be the buffer especially when he was unreasonable after a night out. I even say it out loud to myself when he cooks up these schemes to inject me between them. Now I let him deal with them himself. If he's avoiding them, I can decide whether to answer the phone or not. I can tell them I'll pass on the message. I do. That's it.
This works much easier for me. He can bark at me about it, but he KNOWS it's unreasonable and eventually quits that approach.
I hope you can keep your own boundaries. It's worth so much for you. --- Jill
The way I see it is you don't have a dilema.......your A does. This doesn't have your name on it anywhere. Only you can add your name to it, if you choose.
It's funny in a way because I've had very similiar things happen in our family. Right down to my A wanting me to call and say about mailing presents to the wrong address! I believe their intentions are good, they want to send presents or whatever it is, but actually doing it is difficult for them. Then they don't want to look like the irresponsible one, or uncaring one, or liar or whatever......so they try to pass the buck.
You've made it clear you don't want to be involved, so don't be! I'm sure he will pester and pester you, I know that's what mine does in situations like this, but stay strong and stick to your guns. The more you do that, the less he'll pester eventually.
__________________
Kathy S --
~*I trust my Higher Power that I am exactly where I am supposed to be in my life today.*~
laws.