The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Before Al-Anon I allowed the behaviors of thealcoholics in my life to cause me great unhappiness. While it was true I was suffering, was my pain reallytheir fault? Al-Anon has taught me to take responsibility for my own happiness.Early in my recovery, I called my sponsor because I was once again suffering in reaction to analcoholic's behavior. During that phone call, my sponsor used an expression that changed the way Irespond to relationship difficulties. She explained that once is a fluke, twice is a coincidence, andthree times is a pattern.What does this mean for me? If I'm stillsuffering in reaction to a specific behavior that hasoccurred three or more times, I need to stop hopingthe behavior will cease and instead detach and startchanging my attitudes, expectations, and responses.
>>>>rosie>>>> ok, i am going to give my take here on this....when i was a helpless child, the perp WAS the one responsible for my suffering....my problems DID have his name on them....i was a helpless child, THAN a very very mentally/ emotionally SICK adult..........
>>>>rosie>>>>NOT until recovery and ENOUGH recovery was i responsible for my suffering.....B4 recovery i was of **diminished** capacity...i was not ABLE to take good care of me/ protect me/ nurture me/ etc.....i was UNable, due to the horrific injuries done to me......so yes, until i was ABLE to think like a halfway healthy human being, i was NOT responsible for ANYthing i did....maybe that is why the bible mentions "woe be to him who causes a little one to stumble".......he caused my "stumblings" and than spent all my inheritance that was in a trust by my grandfather, and left me broke, too broke for therapy....so there i was!!! terribly ill AND poor......NOW??? its diferent....i am in recovery.....the ball game is diferent!!!! i AM responsible for me now....i CAN be responsible for protecting/ caring for me......i CAN have choice now...i DO have options now......if i repeat suffering now???? it is becuz i am not working my program...and i need to get ON the stick......i can only work with me, i am powerless over others...if someone in my life is mal-treating me???? either set boundaries, or stop the contact....but i CAN take care of me.....i CAN make things better for me by making ME better with me.....
Once I was able see my suffering as my own reaction to others, I could begin to identify mycontribution to the problem. Sometimes my part is bringing up something that was better left unsaid, orstarting a serious conversation at an inappropriate time. Other times my part is harboring unrealisticexpectations. When I see my part in the pattern, I can choose a response other than suffering.There is no need for me to suffer because of the behavior of others. I can only change my responses.This sets me free to enjoy my own life. Thought for the DayThe next time I react to another's behavior, I'llask myself how many times I've reacted the same way before."If I am always reacting, then I am never free."*Al-Anon is for Adult Childrenof Alcoholics*, p. 17
>>>>rosie>>>NOW if i see a "suffering" thing i can properly do the steps on it.....like my abusive brother for instance...i don't expect a "turd to be a tulip" so i assed him for what he does NOW, and to take care of me??? i set boundaries...that didn't work, so i DETACHED from him and refuse now to talk with him......i would have gone from "victim" to "volunteer" if i had allowed him to keep contact with me........i do, however, examine my part in all interactions with people....step 4/ 10 work and 8/9 if i need to make amend.........i can only change MY actions/ REactions to others, that is it....... what ever i need to do to protect my recovery AND do what is right, is what i am going to do........i mean if it is the same ole stuff, i can see the patterns and go accordingly......
