The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I was so looking forward to my sister and her husband coming for the holidays. They lost their only son last April in a car accident. He was 18 and an A. They sold everything and quit their jobs and have been traveling the country in an RV. Since they arrived at Christmas my sister has continually been judgemental and hurtful towards me. I know she is suffering the loss of her son and I am trying to be understanding. But how much do I really have to tolerate in silence? Yesterday she had invited us to come and see where she had parked her RV. It is a resort in a beautiful place about 40 minutes from where we live. Minutes before we were about to leave she called and changed the plans. She wanted to come to our house alone. Her hubby wanted to play golf...all of us were a little disappointed. But I said ok...changed plans and we decided to have a cook out here instead.
When she arrived she took a bath in my tub and was acting put out that I was making plans for food. She said she would have to be home by 10pm. I said I thought we would eat around 5pm. After her bath she packed her things and left. I was upset but trying to be nice about it. This has been happening every time I try to get together with her. I tried to get her to accept an invitation for next Thursday night and she exploded at me. She told me she was having trouble with relationships right now and I needed to quit pushing her.
I said ok and let her go. My mom then told me that neither of them like the guy I am dating. That is why she won't make plans with me. I cannot believe how hurtful they both are acting. Both have them have been critisizing my every move and choice. I don't think it has anything to do with my date. I think they are trying to take the attention away from their own dysfunctional behavior. My sister had been high (on weed) non-stop for months. My mom is the queen of acoa's!
So should I confront my sister and ask her if my bf is the real reason she keeps acting this way? Let it go and just wait for her to come to me? I am so tired of being hurt by my family. I just wish she did not even come here. Now not only have I lost my favorite nephew...I have lost my sister too.
I think no is a very hard word to learn around family. Are you trying to be responsible to your sister, make her better. Do you know the three C's. Your sister is doing a great job of having you walk on eggshells around her. It is indeed very very hard to be centered around someone who chops and changes as much as she does.
I think fantasy has often been some of the hardest things for me to confront in my relationship with my sisters. I had hoped that when my mother died that my younger sister would be a "sister" to me. She hasn't she has remained totally merged with my elder sister. I accept that now and deal with it and do not any longer try to point out to her that my elder sister is a psychopath. She's an adult, its her choice.
I am very very familiar with the path of enmeshment as I am valiantly trying to become unenmeshed with my boyfriend. I think that is a long journey. I don't think as you suggest that your sister's or any one else in your family's opinion of your boyfriend has much to do with her behavior. I no longer invite those kinds of opinions from people who are manipulative and acting dysfunctional.
Boundaries are a very very hard thing to learn as an adult. In some ways in al-anon we go the crash course trying to have boundaries around people who are in a lot of pain but also who are masters, indeed black belts in manipulation. I have had to learn what my hooks are and close them up. When I do I feel guilty but my own emotional and physical health is at hand. You don't just get to have a sister-ectomy over night.
One of the other things in Al-anon we talk about is forcing solutions. The temption in being controlling is to try to force solutions. Some times confrontations are healthy and clear the air, sometimes they are a guaranteed failure. Do you think in your sister's current state not knowing what she wants from one moment to the next that she can hear your feelings and needs? Sometimes saying no is simply a confrontation. I will not be able to talk on that right now is setting a limit on what you can do and can't do. That in itself is saying that you take your needs seriously and do not put them behind everyone else's. Having tools in the face of such chaos does help.
I hope you are going to be kind and generous to yourself at this time. You have your own grief at your nephew's death to deal with and your own issues to attend to. And your own life to lead. I know how well someone else's needs and issues can supersede my own. I know what that has cost me in my life and I can no longer do it.
