The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am having a very hard time with a lot going on in my life right now. My husband finally went into detox almost 2 months ago and I thought some of my insanity would get better. I was so tired of the worry....hiding keys, hiding money, wondering where he was and if he was coming home. Then a week after coming home from detox he met someone in his meetings and had an affair. We now call ourselves trying to work things out. I thought some of my insanity was ending and it is just continueing. I am trying but all the trust is gone and I constantly wonder what is going on now. It is hard because all this happend in his meetings so everything with his recovery I wonder about now. He used his recovery to cover up what he was doing. I am new to the program and I am trying to learn all I can. I want to learn to love me again and to stop worrying all the time about someone else. This is VERY hard for me because I have not thought of me in a very long time. I hope this gets easier with time. Alanon has helped me more than I can ever say. Having people to talk to that really understand what is going on is the most amazing feeling. I want to learn to work the steps and get a sponsor to help me learn to find me again. I just want to thank you all for being here........I have had days I felt I couldn't go on and you all were here for me. That is all that kept me going. Thank you all!!
I am so sorry for your pain. Keep coming back. There is hope. Whatever has happened to you someone here has had that happen too. I know you will find help here.
The pain will continue until you learn to detach with love. Read all the ala-non books you can. You'l learn by leaps and bounds. I've found ala-non is the only thing that make sense to me in the insanity.
Keep coming back here and get to some face to face meeting to get some real (((((hug)))))
I have also had a very very hard time looking at how I came to learn to put me last. I think that has been a hugely painful learning experience for me. And it has been tremendously difficult to learn to take care of me one moment at a time in spite of the chaos, confusion and sometimes catastrophe around me.
I would also say that while your husband skillfully manipulated the program to act out in a different way with another woman in the literature and in the rules of the program there are a lot of admonitions of getting involved with someone else very quickly in early sobriety and indeed that is mentioned in the blue book. It is not the program, the room, the meeting or the people around him who are at fault, he is responsible for his own behavior and no one else. Not even the woman who acted out with him. I continuously am lured into believing with my a that it is his mother, his brother, his boss, his former business partner, his whatever when it is him that is at fault and I can be gaslighted to death by him with that stuff.
I can really hear your exhaustion and being burned out. I am totally burned out from dealing with my boyfriends many many issues. The difference is today I can own that and say that I have to be responsible for my own emotional health rather than take on trying to save his. Getting out of his way has been very very hard. Unemeshing myself is still a daily task. I no longer question him, try to find out things about his life or worry myself silly about him. I have to that on a daily basis because I am so very new at being unemeshed and it is a very very very hard job just to concentrate on me.
I have had to get down to the fine line of putting my physical needs up there rather than last on the list. Last night I slept well and felt rested, it is very very rare that I feel rested and I need to eat, sleep, rest to take care of me. I have had to erect huge boundary walls around his reaching out to manipulate me and practice practice practice saying no.
It is something that you husband can own and say he was wrong to have an affair. Of course once someone has lied it is hard to trust them again. But some "A's" never get as far as saying they have lied. Of course there is a lot of issues in the program about what sobriety is and isn't and who to go to for help. Of course there are great meetings and meeting where everyone is lying through their teeth about what they are doing in their life. It would be very silly of any of us to think that if someone gets free of alcohol all their problems are over. The alcohol was after all just a symptom of a far wider disease. Sometimes dealing with that disappointment can be very very difficult. I can ride on a fantasy for a long long time. I know if my boyfriend's mother were to suddenly die for example he would still have many many issues to deal with. She is just one of them and one I have to detach from all the time because it is not for me to deal with her its for him to find a way not to keep trying involve me in dealing with her. Right now no is my only answer and I do not visit or communicate with her at all nevertheless I would have to say the way she interacts with her son does affect me on many many levels and I work to lessen that effect all the time. I don't work on ways to try to control his dealing with her anymore I work on ways that I have to detach from it because I have absolutely no control over it.
I am so glad that you have this place to come to where you can be honest, put out your needs and get support. You do deserve support, it is not all about the "a" after all. It is about you and your life and your dreams and your very very important needs too.
I went through something very much like that - I found counselling really helpful, so I could put it all in perspective. We are slowly working it through - sometimes I think we are all over it, only to have it rear its ugly head. In his case, my husband was just looking for another crutch - drinking and drugs were gone, so he used another woman to keep from facing reality. I don't know if he will ever be healthy enough to not need anything, but have given it up -it is not my problem. My focus is on how he treats me - I am not going to poke my nose into his recovery. He knows that he has used up all his chances with me, once more and our marriage is over for good. Now all I can do is keep my own side of the street clean, I don't worry about trust. I don't snoop, but I don't turn a blind eye either. He will either be faithful or he won't but I finally realize that it doesn't really have much to do with me or my worth as a wife. I would be naive if I thought "Oh, he never will again", just as it would be wrong of me to assume he WILL cheat. I am just not worrying about it. The questions I'm asking myself are not "What is he doing right now?" but rather "How is he treating me right now?", "Am I feeling happy and loved?"
Doing for you has started, you are here! Good for you. What do you like? Do it. I love snooping at Goodwill, raising puppies, feeding my farm animals.
It can be as simple as going and buying an ice cream just for you. Or as serious as putting money in YOUR own private account. I like protecting me, making sure I don't need the A for anything. At this point for me I don't need or want him, but I remember.
Take a breath, take it slow. Getting Them Sober is a great book. You can find it at used book stores. I love volume one.
No we cannot even begin to figure anything about anyone else, especially an A. They are controlled by a disease and brain damaged. It is so sad.
Now as far as cheating and abuse they are not part of Aism. I mean they are not symptoms of the disease.The disease may make it easier to come out, but not all A's cheat and or abuse.
I know I could never, ever stay with someone who betrayed me like that. I will have nothing to do with my A now becuz he was not loyal. He has been telling others lie for years about ME. I did not know. Just found out a few weeks ago and it about killed me. Loyalty is almost number one to me.
Lala, I'm so glad you are here and that you have taken the step to post on the board and to talk about your confusion. That is already something you are doing for YOU! Staying connected to program is about breaking our isolation. Isolation - sometimes caused by the shame we all carry - is a huge part of living with alcoholism. You are taking the steps to move out of your isolation! Hurray for you! Keep coming back - it works! mebjk
