The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
the forum right now is wanting experience and shares on this very topic: How has alcoholism affected sexual intimacy, etc.. something like that. (it's late here) I know for me, when my partner was using, I reached a point where I couldn't stand to look at him for 5 more minutes. When he wasn't using, he was moody, blaming, criticizing, pushy, etc.. in my case, he refused help even though he was attending AA meetings and worked with a sponsor. He never did the work a sponsor and sponsee should normally do, etc. so the behavior never changed. The only thing that truly changed was the substance. after awhile it was like the reads, I had so many resentments toward him evolving around my expectations that everything he did began to irritate me. Eventually I realized I wasn't able to maintain an intimate sex life with him anymore because it no longer felt "good." when I say good, I don't mean as in satisfying, good, bad, right, wrong, pure, etc.. I mean as in good (honest) . so many buried lies, secrets, hurts, etc.. with intimacy meaning also (honesty) I began to see after some time there wasn't much of an intimate relationship there in the first place. I think what we really had was the illusion of the relationship; the illusion of love. I know now anyway that sex does not make love; course for me, I didn't find the true meaning of love until I began working the steps.
-- Edited by MeTwo2 on Sunday 5th of May 2013 10:39:43 PM
After at least three years of unresolved anger, which resulted in consistent nagging and anger towards me for not seeing her point of view on nearly everything or being just like her, my wife of 15 years at my urging and her own acceptance rejoined Al-anon after an absecence of at least a decade, got a sponsor and just started working the steps all over again. I'm So proud of her.
She informed me a a few weeks ago, she needed to work on herself and didn't know if our marriage would make it, recognizing so e of her faults and of course, telling me all of mine. I was in and out ( more out than in) of Al-anon as a way to support her, discover things about myself and to have a spiritual and caring place to be. Due to this crisis, I rejoined Al-anon and have dedicated to make it a life decision no matter what happens. I know it will make me a better person and in the event our mariage pulls through, (I'm confident it will as long as we stay in program) we will be a stronger couple and stronger parents. If we don't make it, i'll be a stronger person having worked through my issues before getting into another marriage.
Our sex life has always been good and Compatible. Neither of us have sex addiction issues, we're just attracted to each other and pror to this enjoyed sex frequently duringthe week.
Her sponsor tells her to work on her. Mine says work on me. I still love her and she says "she doesn't know. Her actions indicate she still cares for me, but maybe right know is not in love with me.
The problem is this. Although she says she is frequesntly horny, I have a higher sex drive. She wants to stop having sex and all physical contact while living in the same house and sometimes the same bed including hand-holding, touching, and hugging. I need that desperately. I do not want to cheat. I told her I will honor the abstaining of sex out of respect for her even though it is killing me. I am not a cheater, never had and pray I never will because of this.
i am working my first step and Alize I have no control over her or this.
I Am interested in hearing similar stories of experience strenght and hope of sex or lack of it during seperations or situations like this from other fellow Al-Anons.
Thanks for sharing. I am grateful that we have always been honest woth each, if anything too brutally honest. We never learned how to argue effectively. SE wants to learn to like me again as a friend(shades of When Harry Met Sally) and then and inly then be willing when she is ready through her recovery to seek marriage therapy.
The third step I believe is for patience but I am so longing for human touch. I can't even watch two people kiss in a movie or show without feeling hurt right now.
This is an important topic to discuss, as I struggled with sexual intimacy during my husbands years of addictions (which included sex a sexual addiction) and even now, at times, after years of al anon for me and 6 years of sobriety/recovery (not all of those years was he truly in recovery) for him. I am a work in progress in stating what I like, don't like, etc., as I was an object for most of the years of our marriage and provided a "fix" for him. The progress for me has been in keeping at the forfront "to thine own self be true". It sounds like you and your wife are doing just that and I like the honesty you are able to express. I don't have any answers for your discomfort..I did pose to my husband once when he was struggling with the same issues you mentioned.."what would you do if I was in a coma?" Something to ponder? It does concern me that cheating was in the space of your post..this might also be explored. Sometimes what we state is really lurking as a possibility and it is too hard to imagine. I, too, wonder if brutal honesty really did exist? Just some random thoughts..I don't know any details..just some thoughts that popped up..doesn't mean my thoughts have any meaning whatsoever! Keep coming back!
It's unclear what the real issue is since you don't describe yourself as being her qualifier and her as being yours. I guess I can understand how intimacy would still be an issue even when your spouse was not your alanon qualifier, but it sounds more like a marriage issue/relationship issue than an issue specifically caused by the impact of alcoholism on either one of you.
For me, I am not sticking around waiting for someone to fall back in love with me. If I say "I love you" and hear "I don't know if I love you." Then as bad as that hurts, I will probably move on and say "call me when you figure it out but until then, we are split." That's just me though. I have to live in the present. It's not about sex so much as that I know I deserve to love and be loved in return.
As Pinkchip said, it isn't clear as to who is in recovery or what your situation was before Al Anon. I have not been in the mood for sex in quite some time with my AH. When someone continues their destructive ways, lies, breaks promises, takes risks that have the potential to land them in jail, etc you get tired of the antics and it's a HUGE turnoff. I love my husband, but I am not sexually attracted to him because I feel that I need better emotional intimacy with him, which is difficult for him because he's so deep in denial of his disease and the damage he's done to our family. I'm not purposely withholding from him, I'm just not connected to him in a way that makes sex feel safe.
Everybody's relationships are different here. You can be very sexually attracted to someone but realize that that's all the sex was about, right? I think, as we grow in program, we realize that there is more to relationships than the physical. Most people need an emotional connection and a feeling that the relationship is a place of safety and security. I haven't felt safe and secure for a long time in my marriage and that's the sad truth.
As MeTwo2 said: I didn't realize the true meaning of love until I started working the steps. Have you talked to your wife about her journey and how she is interpreting love and sex, etc. Maybe you guys are just on different pages in the sexual arena for now. That can change, but it will take acceptance and understanding from you. Marriage counseling may help if both of you are working recovery, too.
So much of what was said is true with me too...when the lying, deceit, the use of porn was introduced into our marriage, the idea of intimacy was ludicrous. What my ExAH didn't realize was that emotional intimacy was essential for physical intimacy (for me)....
It's such a personal issue...and a compicated one , at that.....
We all know it can be hard to be in the same house- let alone the same bed as the one who hurt us. Sometimes the best thing you can do is have a converation about it with that person. Why would you have sex, why do you want to, what would it cause for either of you?
I went thru AAs step study and there's a whole step 4 sex conduct. Most if us need a major overhauling there and so it's no surprise that's what I hear here.
What did you do when she was pregnant or just had the child? What would you do if she had a broken leg? What would you do if she was in a coma from a car accident? What if she had to live with her aging parents in a distant place for a couple of months? or a year?
I didn't have sex with my hubby for 3 years while he was still drinking. He stunk, he would fall asleep while doing the act, he wasn't very good at it, it was never about me, etc, etc. . It was just sex. It was just the physical act. That is really not satisfying. If that is all it is I really don't need a partner for it.
You say she was always angry. Hmmmm, what was that all about? And now she doesn't want sex until she works through her thoughts.... I think you two have lots to talk about eventually.
