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Well, I'm 26 years old and am a child of an alcoholic. Actually, it's more like I'm the parent (And I know that's typical for child-adult alcoholic relationships). My parents divorced when I was 4 due to my father's drug/alcohol abuse. My mother's father was an alcoholic (vodka killed him), so my mother didn't want me to grow up around that same toxic life. Growing up I thought my dad was funny and creative, which he is. I spent weekends with him and always enjoyed myself. He was good at hiding his disease. As I got older our plans were cancelled often and I eventually stopped spending weekends with him. When I got to college he started drunk dialing me. In his mind I'm still 4. I think he didn't (doesnt) know how to cope with me growing up. I learned to not answer the phone after 5:30. 3 years ago he was at my uncle's house, sitting by the pool, drinking a fifth of vodka and Lord know what else. He fell off the rock wall around the pool and broke his back. Then, he went into the DTs. He was hospitalized for a week. I went up there everyday and tried to strategize with his whacko wife on how to get him sober. He refused treatment because he had tried every kind before. I told him, as he was lying strapped to his hospital bed, that if he ever drank again I would step out of his life for good because I was not going to sit by and watch him die.
For a few months he was clean and felt great, or so he said. He went to the hospital twice for being completely dehydrated because he "wasn't drinking enough water." Right. Again, I'm 4 and don't know what alcoholism is. Like his 6 brothers and the rest of the family, I bought into his rose colored glasses mentality. Everything is fine.
Then, what I like to call his 3 strikes happened. I got married last year. I knew my dad couldn't contribute monetarily, but that was fine. My husband and I wanted to pay for everything ourselves. The day came and I didn't even get so much as a card from my dad. I got a drunk phone call about how my first house, wher I lived with him, was being torn down. And then that night during our father/daughter dance he said "well, I broke down and had a beer." While we were dancing. What was I supposed to do?! My husband and I went on our 2 week honeymoon to Italy, but not without a few drunk Facebook posts from dad telling me to come home.
Strike 2 was Thanksgiving. Charlie, my husband, and I sat down on the sofa next to my dad to eat our dinner. Charlie started talking to my dad. My dad was so messed up on Xanex he couldn't hold his head up oropen his eyes. Then, he drove BOTH of my grandmothers home. He went off the road at least 8 times on their 45 minute ride home. He claimed it was Ambien.
Strike 3 came about a month later when he got a DUI in the middle of the day. He crossed 4 lanes of traffic, totalled his car, and walked away without a scratch. The officer charged him with a DUI and said he was on Xanex and beer. My dad sugar coated the story and said he was on Ambien and had only had 4 beers. He didn't try to tell me until 2 days later. I had already heard from half of the family. I didn't need to hear his side of the story because i knew he wouldn't tell me the truth. I didn't answer any calls or texts and blocked him on Facebook. This made him so uncomfortable because I wasn't playing along the way everyone usually does. He showed up to the house where I nanny unannounced wanting to know why I had shut him out. I told him that once he completed treatment I would talk to him again. He went to a local outpatient treatment center for I think 2 weeks. Then, he pissed me off beyond words. he sent my husband an email saying that I needed help, and that i was responsible for helping my dad get better. to say i was seeing red is an understament. He even had a counselor call me because she was under the assumption that I refused to talk to him. I still feel sorry for the counselor who had to feel my wrath. She totally understood my boundary and said she would try to convey to him that what I was doing WAS fair.
He followed my boundary for a while, and then he started living with his friend who had recently gotten 3 DUIs in 2 weeks and was court-ordered to go to rehab or prison. So, the "DUI buddies" went 4 hours away to another treatment center. The friend was kicked out because he was too unruly, and my dad left shortly after for who knows what excuse now. I think he was there for a month. Oh, and it wasn't just drinking. He had started stealing his mom's painkillers.
So he's back in town now. He sent me a text 2 weeks ago saying he would respect my boundaries and the ball is in my court. I thought that he was finally getting it! Wrong. He's called twice and sent me a text asking when I will talk to him. And today takes the cake. He texted my mother, his ex wife, to see if they could get coffee. He didn't say why, but I have a feeling it's to talk about me. My mom hasn't responded yet. I think I'm still too angry to see him or talk to him. I emailed a therapist today. Any other words of encouragement/advice would be greatly appreciated!
-- Edited by iviedoodle on Thursday 2nd of May 2013 11:17:08 AM
This post got to me...I could feel the pain of that 4 year little girl. She needs to be healed, loved and to know that she is safe with you and God. You did not say so I will assume you have not been involved in a recovery group..find a local al anon meeting that you like and go every night if you need to. You will begin to let go of your dad's behaviors, the dreams you once had for your relationship and the sting of the pain he caused you. Talk it out with your al anon peeps, and a sponsor. The setting of boundaries does get easier (for me never easy, but easier) in time as you enter into a recovery program for you (and that 4 year old hurting little girl). Bless you and big hug..keep coming back here for some very wise guidance and a place you can safely vent.
I hope you have an Al-Anon group -- it will help a great deal. Because these are not easy things to cope with.
What I hear is that you're waiting for your dad to respect your boundaries. If he's like the alcoholics I've known, and like a typical alcoholic, this won't happen. He just never will. Because it's in their nature to deny and push and try to break down boundaries. And because the alcohol makes them insane, and they're not in control of any of their actions. Even the ones that would be to their advantage. Until they decide to seek recovery (in a program, not just through willpower), nothing they do is sane and reasonable. You wouldn't expect someone with hallucinations to be behaving normally in the world. Alcoholics (usually) don't have hallucinations, but they're no more in touch with sane reality.
And also, when we try to change things, they have the "Change back!" attack. They do everything they can to get our attention and try to get us to change back, to lower our boundaries. But what we need to do is hold the line. We don't have to explain our boundaries -- in fact, after having explained them the first time, it's better if we don't. It just feeds their attention-seeking. We just need to hold them. If your dad shows up where you're nannying and won't go away, you can call the police. That's a reasonable consequence for someone who is harassing you. (You may want to go a few blocks away, if possible, so that the kids and family you're working for aren't disturbed.) But you don't have to put up with all this rigamarole from him.
I do hope you'll get to meetings. They are a wonderful resource and support.
