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I've not posted in quite some time but I'm reading all the posts. I'm grateful to have this board.
Alot of you are familiar with my situation but for those that are not here's a brief review. Alcohol and drugs took my husband away from myself and our 2 toddlers for about 6 months. My husband didn't work or do anything productive---tried rehabs, outpatient, AA but nothing lasted for more than a few weeks. I filed divorce.
Fast forward---October 26th he said he was "done." Started taking antabuse and effexor---he's become the person I fell in love with. He's working, helping around the house, happy, healthy, in love with me and our children. There are no more lies, missing money. He always answers his cell phone. We sold a rental property and made a large profit---all money went into a separate acct that he has no access to. Yes, it's unbelievable and very great.
That being said, I'm trying to enjoy it---I really am. It's been over 10 weeks---there are no signs of pending relapse but I'm having a hard time. I'm prepared for it all to end at any moment and I guess that's all I can do.
I just don't feel safe anymore. He never hurt me physically, just abandoned me with a 3yr old and 18 month old. He feels safe to look toward the future---I cannot.
He is not in a program. I feel concern over this issue but his entire demeaner has changed. He's calm, enjoys the simple things---he used to want to spend a lot of money all the time---wanted to eat out all the time. He's even enjoying my horrible cooking at this point. Must be the effexor!
There are alot of obstacles to hurdle---I know this. He is financially ruined---but I am not. He is taking the necessary measures to handle his credit problems---facing the consequences---I am doing nothing to help with that situation. He is paying the bills and I am able to work less---20 hrs a week now.
In September I thought my husband would end up dead or in jail because of his addictions. For all of you out there---there is hope even when it seems like they will never be able to stop.
I've been wondering where ya been! Glad to hear of your husband's turn around! Try to take it as it comes, one day at a time, and enjoy as much as you can. You deserve to be happy. I'm really happy for you. Maybe to help YOU, you could keep working Alanon and those feelings of doubt will subside. i don't know, just a thought. Keep posting to let me know how you are doing. Take care of You
Recovery can be tough on us. We don't know what to expect, and all those old reactions are hard to change.
Take your blessings day by day, and write them down for the tough days. That is what I do, and you wouldn't beleive how handy those little writtings come in when times are tough.
I too don't help my husband with his nasty financial situation. I do help with planning his debt repayment plan, but don't write the checks, nor deliver them. I help where I can, but don't comprimize my own integrity.
Sounds like you have found a break in the roller coaster ride that we are faced with in and out of sobriety. I too rode that ride and had piece for a time.... unfortunately my situation came under attack once again as my a relapsed. In his relapse he progressed far faster than I could of ever imagined. Now there are plenty of a's in recovery that I know and have either neither relapsed or have relapsed and returned to the program of recovery for themselves. I certaintly can't say whether or not a relapse would be in your husband's future. What I would suggest is that you continue to take care of yourself. When it came time for my husband to leave the family because he choose to have an affair, I became a single mom with three children at home. I would say the same to you as I would my daughter with two young children. None of us are guaranteed tomorrow, so whether or not your husband remains in the picture of your future, you have a choice today to take the necessary steps to know that if faced with the situation of having to become a single mom, you can prepare by taking classes that will help you to provide for them if necessary. I was fortunate and had a job offer within a couple of months that has allowed me to do just that. One day at a time, we can only take the steps necessary to help our path, our journey.
... He is not in a program. I feel concern over this issue ...
I'm concerned for you also. All of us a's are different, some are sicker than others. My wife looks at a couple of alcoholic neighbors of ours who have stopped drinking but don't go to meetings; she thinks I overdo the program. I don't buy it. I know what I am. I also hear from a lot of recovering a's who had years of 'sobriety' by going to meetings, but relapsed because they didn't get a real sponsor and go through the steps. I don't want to be one of those people.
It's hard enough to stay sober. I can't imagine doing it without a program. But I'm glad that things are working out well for you so far.
Yep, I echo all of the above.... Glad for you that things are working well today, and he is attentive.... I share your concern that he is doing this on his own, and not with AA - I think there is ultimately a huge difference between "dry" and "sober"... Almost contradicting the above thought, is the principle of "one day at a time", and for you to "stay in your shoes".... Hopefully, with you working YOUR program of recovery, you will continue to get healthier and healthier, and your answers will become more clear to you....
I'd also mention, that in the big scheme of things, 10 weeks is like a "drop in the bucket", so try cutting yourself a little slack here - I'd be much more concerned if you were NOT worried!!
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Hi, glad to hear from you, have been wondering how you were. I agree, it's a drop in the bucket after what happened. Try not to punish him, go with the flow, and either he will keep getting better or he will not, and you will know where you stand. Better at this point ot enjoy each moment for what it IS rather than for what it stands for, you know?
Just wondering if anyone thinks it's possible for an addict to recover without a "program."
At this point in time he is a different person. I could be in love with him again---I guess I am but I am afraid things will change. He is sober at this point--not just "dry." His past attempts at sobriety were definitely just dry without an attitude change.
I am clearly watching out for myself and my children. I've got the money put away safely. He has no access to the checking acct or any credit cards and I don't see that ever changing. I still have the lawyer retained and the divorce papers are ready to be served. I feel protected legally and financially but emotionally there is no protection. I will never suffer the shock I felt that he was able to leave us the way he did---truly shocked and amazed at the time. That's kind of sad that I don't think I'll ever be able to feel safe---knowing that my husband would never leave us.
I do have a very well paying job with very flexible hours--so for sure, I'd be ok if I had to go to work full time and the children are 4 and 2 now and things are easier caring for them now.
I know we will have a full life with or without him----but I'd love for things to stay the way they are now.
Experience seems to show that he needs something, though it doesn't have to be AA. If he doesn't learn new ways of dealing with reality, eventually something will come up that he doesn't want to face, and he will use old methods.
The best thing you can do for him in this regard is to keep working your own program. As you change your way of dealing with problems, it becomes clear to him that change is possible, and worth having.
hello im very happy for you and hubby and his progress. it gives me hope. my a is newly sober (about a week) and is attending aa meetings. but this week im already seeing old behaviors and attitudes appear. so i dont have much hope. i think he wont make it another week. he once quit by himself for four months with no program but then relapsed and the disease progressed drastically. i really cant say if your a will make it or not. no one can. its up to them. you and your family are in my prayers and i hope that your a sticks with his sobriety. continue to take care of yourself and your children.
your sister in recovery
notsonew :)
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stay in the now...dont look forward, dont look back....your life is what you make of it
Aron 