The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
6 weeks ago, my husband and I picked up my sister from a hospital in Indiana (we live in Wisconsin). She has been an alcoholic for at least 8-10 years. She ended up in the hospital because she was near death from cirrhosis, pneumonia, COPD and God knows what else. They managed to save her there and we agreed to come and get her if she would agree to live in Wisconsin and be near family because Indiana was too far away to help her if she needed it. She reluctantly agreed. We picked her up and brought her to our house. I have spent these last 6 weeks tending to her every need - arranging for doctors, taking her to doctors, picking up her meds, being liasion with my brother and stepmother in regard to her condition, feeding her, washing crap and blood out of her clothes, monitoring her medications and enforcing her water and food restrictions. It has been exhausting. She has made enormous physical progress and can now walk without a walker and go up and down steps to do a load of laundry or two. Her only chores were to make a walk to the mailbox at the end of our driveway, make her own bed, get her own breakfast and lunch (my husband cooks dinner every night), try to make her own moving arrangements (she had lots of help here) and, after she got better, to do her laundry. There has been a lot of "push back" along the way - once so bad that I told her if it happened again, she would be gone. I started to see progress last week when she did show some signs of understanding about what was expected of her and we had a "sister" moment in which I hugged her and told her how proud I was of her and that I loved her. Then came a few days ago. I had driven her to a few apartments which were within the budget of my brother (who lives in Chicago - he will pay her rent for the next 7-8 months as long as she stays sober and no smoking). She found something wrong with all of them because in her pre-alcoholic life, she was a very successful sales person making 6 figures with a very high end lifestyle. She wanted to keep this lifestyle even though there is no income. We lost one apartment that she almost agreed to because she didn't call him back soon enough. After the third one, I told her that I would take her to two more apartments but then she had to choose. She then screamed at me that "I couldn't do that to her now!" and the 6 weeks of pent up frustration hit the proverbial fan. I lost it on her and said things that I know could have been said better but it was too late and she turned into an abusive, nasty person who started name calling and screaming for the next two days. I was near a heart attack and my husband (who is kinder than any Angel) finally said - there is no respect, it is time for you to go. She called her "boyfriend" in Indiana who said he was coming and never showed up. We took her to a Holiday Inn where she remains at this time, because he still never showed up and he has her car. She has supported him for over two years on her 401K money that is now down to nearly zero. She messaged my brother last night that she is still in Wisconsin and that she will try to get into the first apartment we looked at (that was the worst by the way and not my recommendation) and that she will make him proud. I am beginning to feel like the "bad cop" and that my brother is now upset with me for not giving her more of a chance. I am relieved she is not in our home and don't want her back but how do I get past the feeling that I did something wrong? How do I let go of this all-consuming guilt and thought process? I don't want this in my head any longer and I can't get it out? I wish she would make us all proud and that we could be a family again but I just don't believe it will happen. She has lied to and manipulated everyone in our family and I think this is just another ploy. I'm writing here for possible validation and support... Please help me know that I'm not a bad person... Thank you...
Your sister is getting a taste of sober living which is "life on life's terms." The old life is over and it sounds like the new reality isn't sitting well with her. You don't mention Alanon and I do hope you are attending and sharing in face to face meetings. It's such a great support system for dealing with the effects of alcoholism particularly our reactions to it.
In my humble opinion, you and your husband have good boundaries. Since your sister is well enough to trantrum over her loss of lush lifestyle and can physically get around, maybe she can put that energy into grabbing onto her own life with both hands and creating a new sober life with what she has now. I applaud you for not allowing her to replace her crutch of alcoholism with you and your hubby as her new crutches to get by in life.
You've been a loving sister and it sounds like you didn't make very unreasonable demands of her in your home. You OWE her nothing. She owes you thanks and an apology which you may not get if she isn't in AA recovery and working a program. No reason to feel guilty for prioritizing yourself, your marriage and home life.
Thanks for sharing, keep coming and recovering with us. Hugs. TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
I agree with the above statement, sounds like "it" hit the fan and you were the one standing there and got hit. I'm sure when things calm down she'll realize how impossible she was acting. {{Hugs}}
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Nothing is more fatiguing than the eternal hanging-on of an unfinished task.
Thanks so much TT and Angelic.. I appreciate the validation more than you know. I am struggling and feeling so depressed over all of this. I won't help her or speak to her again until I see significant mental and psychological recovery as well as physical. She will also need to apologize, which I don't believe will happen until she gets into AA or an alternative to that. But again, I appreciate the validation - it gives me strength. :)
