can someone help - Al-Anon Family Group

allison · Veteran Member

can someone help

sweden · Newbie

Hugs, I know you are really feeling sad right now. But you have to stay strong. Some say that a bad relationship is better than no relationship but that is not true. Take care of your self, get help and find a friend who will be good for you. Hugs again.

sweden

Jennifer · ~*Service Worker*~

Hey Allison,

I've been through this ... take a minute, stop your thoughts and just breathe. Deeply. I know that it is always said to think of yourself first but sometimes especially in the begining I needed to get my A out of the way first. When I was listening to his voice saying he didn't want to come home that was all I thought of. The truth was he wanted to use. When that got ugly then he wanted to come home. If I knew then what I know now ... that hindsight thing always gets me ... I would have realised when he wants to use I don't want to be around him anyway, that is what prompted me to ask him to leave in the first place. Truth is they come back when all the fun goes out of being gone. Not a darn thing anyone can do about that. My therapist told me I am as addicted to him as he is to whatever the drug of choice at the moment is. Makes sense then that my heart raced and I felt lost when I allowed myself to think I wouldn't have it again.

I wish I would have calmed myself enough to really think about what I wanted, not been as excited over having the control of if he was coming home or not taken from me. It was his decision as to if he wanted to or not, as a human he deserves that respect. I do not have to agree with the why's or how's.

I decided to try again, he came home when he hit a bottom, we went to counseling, he went on medication for manic depression (bipolar), all the good stuff lasted a few months. Fast forward ... he lied in counseling, I gave up on joint counseling, medication ran out, I can't get more and sneak it to him (KIDDING). We are right back to square one, I am working on ME, he is living his life of on and off using and mania then depression spells. It's ok because I have changed but not what I would call happy ever after.

I don't know if any of this makes sense or will help, just wanted you to know you werent' alone in feeling scared or confused. It was hard for me to deal with the times he came by to pick up clothes or to see the animals. I didn't want to leave because I did not trust him in the house and I wanted to see him ... isn't that twisted? I hope you can find a serene place to catch your breath and take advantage of the time you have, it may seem chaotic but it could be peaceful too.

Oh and before I had insurance I found affordable counseling through a organization called Catholic Charities ... they did not push religion. But maybe your local mental health agencies can refer you to others. Good luck, remember your HP is with you. And we are all here too. Take care of you.

Jennifer

DeAnna · Veteran Member

First try to remember why you didn't want him there, was it him or the alcohol you didn't want anymore? Whey you changed your mind & wanted him back, did you want him back sober, or him back while still drinking? Just because you two aren't living in the same household doesn't exactly mean you are split up. You can love someone w/o living with them. You can still be together if you both choose, just not live together at this moment. No one knows what tomorrow brings. I'm not giving any advice, for I'm in no position to. You see I too want out, one day, then the next I don't. It's a yo-yo emotional ride. Just ponder your original decisions, and remember we don't have to stop loving someone because we're not living with them. Chances are you didn't live together when you met him. Just get thru today. Take care of your dog. If you want to speak to him, call him that puts you in charge as to when you want to call. If you leave it up to him, you will be wondering whether or not he will call.

I feel for you, and with you.

mebjk · Senior Member

alison,
please keep coming back here and if you can, find a face to face meeting and get some phone numbers you can call when things get bad. Until you find the mental health resources you may need, you can get lots of help and healthy thinking in Alanon.
I'm so glad you posted here.
Blessings,
mebjk

debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Wow you are describing me when I did exactly the same thing in 2000. I know the
sick stomach and pain. It is horrible, I don't believe there is pain much worse.
Loss is awful.

I loved the love I felt for him. After all these years of the bs. I don't feel like that
anymore. But I went down close to 4 sizes was so depressed and lost. Took me
a long time, but finally becuz of this home I am still here.

The chat room became a whole life to me. We were a group of people then who
were very close and we got each other thru so much. Learning skills is what
saved me.

Face to face meetings would help you. As far as counseling, ask for someone who
is experienced in alanon. The disease makes us sick too.

It is very hard to let go. For me I had to learn to think of me totally, protect me
so he could not take anything away. My own money, home everything. But first
I took a month and rested. Slept as much as I could, could not eat, so did my Bet to
make sure I had things I could eat that were good for me.

drank lots of water, cried a whole lot.It feels like an open wound, and it is. Your
heart is hurt horribly. There is new research that we do "feel" emotion in our hearts.

Please think of yourself as broken. You cannot expect yourself to do more than you can do.
We cannot make a broken leg work either, your heart is no different.

does not matter why ya love him, ya just do. We cannot always rationalize
everything. Don't be surprised that ya love him. A's are humans with a disease, they can
be loveable too. He is not his disease, that is totally separate.

Please keep coming here posting and reading. A good book is "Getting Them Sober"

I love that book, oh volume one.

love,debilyn

KathyS · Senior Member

allison wrote:

Me figure this out?? I`m crazy!!

*******You're not crazy. You're suffering the effects of living with active alcoholism/addiction.

You said:

My A husband has been gone for a week..I kicked him out.at first he wanted to come home and I said no.I changed my mind and told him I wanted him back..now he doesn`t wanna come back.

******Before I found this program and began working on my own recovery there were many many times I'd kick my husband out. I'd throw all his stuff in the middle of the road and lock up all my doors. I felt completely justified in my actions. Within a few days I'd miss him and want him to come home. He always did, however when I look back at my actions now......I'm surprised he did come home. I learned thru this program that my husband is sick and suffering from the disease of addiction. Drug use and drinking is only a symptom of this disease. It goes much deeper than that. My reactions to his actions were sick as well. Throw him out, take him back, insanity. Repeating the same actions over and over and still expecting a different result.

When our loved ones are in active addiction and we're not working on our own program of recovery, we feel justified in just about everything we do to them. We say to ourselves: LOOK at what he's doing TO ME. But I've learned that my husband wasn't doing anything TO me. He was doing what addicts not in recovery do.......getting high. *I* was the one doing things to myself by allowing his disease to drive me crazy. By fooling myself into thinking anything I did would have an effect on his drug use.

You said:

He`s coming to get his stuff tomorrow and I`m freaking out...I`m physically ill..I can`t sleep or eat and all I do is cry.For instance I spent a few hours with him today and we had a good time..I asked him to stay over and he said no so I left it at that.when he got up to leave he says..I`ll probably be back tonight,I`ll call you.Well...no phone call so I called him and he`s like..I don`t feel good so I`m not coming over I`ll be there in the morning to pick up my Dog(which really pisses me off...I take care of her and pay for all her needs,why should he take her?) I think I need mental help...he treats me bad and then I cry when he`s gone..I`m so sick. does anyone know how I can find info on free mental help for myself? I don`t have insurance thank you..Allison

*****Mental help is good, but in my opinion for our problems Al Anon can be better. By going to face to face meetings and sharing here on the boards we learn we are not alone. That there are others out there who have gone through the same situations we are going through. We learn that alot of these members have found a better way of life through this program and working the 12 steps. If we do what they did, then we'll get what they have.

Make sense?

Lunamoth · ~*Service Worker*~

Lots of (((((((( Allison ))))))

I too have been there. You are so not alone. Mine got me to argue to the point I said "then maybe it's best you did leave." He used those words later to remind me I was the one who wanted him gone. It was a crappy couple of months to start with, but as time progressed I was amazed at how fast I started healing. The insanity of my A had been removed, it helped me to focus on me. It helped me see my own obsession--which was him. I lost ALOT of weight and didn't need to. Please take the advice to drink water. Depression is only made worse by dehydration. The best advice given to me was to get myself out of bed as soon as I woke up, get showered and dress myself in something I liked, that made me feel good. Then I got busy, you see they don't think about us as much as we think about them. Keeping busy helped me to keep going until I could learn to stop my head from thinking so much.

Oh, and this thing about "I might come by" I hated that, it kept me by the phone for the possibility of a call, kept me at the house in case he might stop by. I put my life on hold for the hope of seeing him or hearing from him. Hoping for a crumb of his affection or least little bit of a sign that he'd come back. Please, you would do yourself well to continue on with your life...live and let live...but you've got to live. Don't keep the phone open for his "might calls" and if you've got something to do, don't put it off because he "might come by." You have to learn to keep living. When my A couldn't get intouch with me I would find him at my house wanting to know where I was -- that too became a problem. It is an insane disease. I love my A, but no longer am obsessed by him. If he hadn't left I don't think I'd have had the opportunity to grow like I have. It may sound incredible but this can be an opportunity for you. I tell people at first I thought I was being punished by God but as time went on I know that it was a blessing, God really did for me what I couldn't do for myself. Please don't misunderstand, I have hope that my A will find recovery, I have hope that my marriage will be mended, but I'm no longer at the point where I'd accept what was or want him in the home as an active A.

You mentioned having him stay over....unless you are ready for him to get up and get dressed and leave, don't. It is a heartbreaker. One other thing, if he says he's going to call or come by and he doesn't -- it's the disease. Again, I would be waiting and waiting and finally I'd call to find out where he was, why he wasn't there blah blah blah. 99% of the time he was passed out and his machine would pick up and then I'd drive myself crazy wondering where he was, what was he doing -- he was sleeping it off that's what. If you can find the strength to not call him when he doesn't come/call when he says he will, you'll be saving yourself from a lot of mental stress.

Get to as many face to face meeting as you can, I know I thought I was going to die, those rooms kept me going until I could see that I wasn't. Lots of hug to you! You'll be in my prayers.

notsonew1111 · Senior Member

hi (((((((alison)))))))) i too know what you're going through. i kicked my a out thousands of times then missed him like crazy and asking him to come home or me allowing him back when he asked. since i found this program i stopped kicking him out every week because i found that wasnt what i wanted but i did need some time away. so during xmas i told him to go to his mothers. i wasnt planning on working on things. i was a complete wreck so i lived on this message board and in the chatroom. my a was gone for about a week and he had a binge during that time that i believe made him hit his bottom. he is now attending aa meetings which no one could pay him to do in the past and is actually spending time with the old timers. that week he was away i was able to handle myself, cry when i needed to, shared every emotion going through me on these boards. it really did help me to see the situation for which it actually was. and without that time away he may have not had that binge and may have not found aa. now its still very early, i know it will be a long hard road to travel but im hoping we will make it in the end and together. i hope this gives you some hope. and as for mental health...praying to my hp and coming here has literally saved my life. tc keep coming back

your sister in recovery,

notsonew :)

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