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Last night the topic of divorce came up between me and my kids. My daughter who is 8 is happy she says, as long as I get custody. She and her Dad don't get along very well. But my son, who is five, started crying and was worried that his Dad would be sad without us. It nearly broke me in to pieces. I cannot handle my son when he is sad. He is such a sweetheart. I told him that he would be able to visit his Daddy whenever he wanted to and this seemed to make him feel better. But just thinking about it right now, I just want to stay with my husband so that he won't be sad. Then my husband keeps calling from jail and I am not answering but it is messing with me, making me feel guilty and sad. We've been together for ten years and I guess I have to mourn everything. I don't want to face the pain. And I need to keep it together for my kids, I don't want them feeling responsible for Mommy feeling better. Life is just a bowl of cherries right now, NOT!!! I pray every day but what do I do about my son? And how do I handle my husband? Is it mean to just ignore his calls? I can't afford it and we will just fight but how cruel is it to get divorce papers in the mail? Should I not worry about he feels? If anyone has ESH, please share. I'm lost right now~~
As I am pondering the same thing with what to do about the big "D" I'll share with you what was shared with me by a wonderful grounded al-anon. Look at this decision at every angle. For me, I thought if I cut my A out of my life that it would make it easier, we also have two children. I thought that taking action would make it easier for the kids and me, what I personally found was that I was trying to force a solution. This is my experience not advice. After truly looking at what a divorce would do in our lives, the changes etc. I have decided that for this moment in time, for me, it's not the right time to take that big step. I don't know about tomorrow.
It is good you are talking with your kids, it is so hard on them, but keeping them informed of what you've decided and letting them feel their feelings is a positive thing. Don't feel guilty that you don't take his calls. If you feel you need time to strengthen yourself before you talk to him take that time. Right now you have much on your plate, take care of yourself, know that no decision has to be made today. You may want to just get information to see what you would need to do should you find divorce is what is right for you, but collecting information is not a decision. It is just learning about it, you may never take steps that will use this knowledge, but if you do you'll be more prepared.
(((Browneyes))) Boy do I relate- although it was many yrs ago for me. Please don't let your husband lay a gulit trip on you, In my experience he (my ex the A) tried any manipulation he could get away with, after all it was me filing for divorce and there was an ego involved. I also "had" to divorce him, he was very abusive. I left my ex when my son was only 3 ˝. The day we moved after my friends left I cried, my son hugged me. He said "Mom, don't worry daddy can't hurt you anymore"
Now yrs later in program I hear others speak of living with the alcoholic and detaching, I began to second guess myself. My sponsor told me I did what I had to do and “not” to second guess my decision. She said I gave my son the best example, she simply said: I taught my son that his father’s behavior was unacceptable. That helps me when ever I have doubt. I also felt for my son, every other weekend my ex would play the mind games, but it’s still his dad after all. In my opinion as much as we would like to shield the children they may have to see some of the uglies in the world. Children can be rather perceptive and resilient. My ex tried everything he could to get my son caught up in the mess. It's still hard, but thank your HP they have an level headed parent (you) to guide them and show them the way whatever you decide to do. You know what is best. Lots of well wishes, Tracey
Choosing to make the decision for myself was the toughest thing I have ever made. I chose to seperate (not divorce) my alcoholic husband when my children were two and four.
My husband moved 2 hours away, and it was not possible for them to see him whenever they wanted. I prayed for guidance, and was as honest and open as I could be with two small children. Not only them, but other people in their lives. I chose to tell my children that I was unhappy with their father, and their father was unhappy with me. I told them also that we both wanted our children to be happy, so we decided to live in different houses so that we wouldn't be fighting all the time around them.
THe first few months were hard. I had to adjust to being a single mom, they had to adjust to being only with me, and the alcoholic dropped of the face of the planet. But I implemented a routine (mostly out of necessity) and soon enough we all adapted. My children didn't know what to expect, but after time they started to understand that they couldn't expect much besides the daily routines.
Don't underestimate your children. If you are doing the right thing by God, all will work out. Kids are resiliant, and there are children who have worse situations than the one I present them who turn out much better than mine will. Your little boy will be sad, and so will your daughter. Normal reactions. The best thing you can do is share their feelings with them, it teaches them that feelings are just that... feelings.
Ending a relationship sucks. The best thing I did was to lead by example. Not only for my children, but my siblings and friends too. I felt the feelings, in private, and in public. By feeling them i was able to move through them, and eventually found a peaceful place. (only to be distrubed by life later on...LOL)
Hold your chin up. This is tough, but it could be worse. You could be burying him. By the grace of God, our kids still have their daddy's. (even if I would like to kill him... )
I can relate but cannot offer any advice. I am nearing the question of divorce too now that my A is out of the house. It does tear me up inside trying to decide what exactly to to. I do know, in my heart, that the separation was the right thing ... however... seeing my daughter crying burns a hole in my heart. I am waiting for my HP's guidance.
I fought for many years the idea that divorce would have to be a fact that my children would someday have to face. Now that I'm three years down the pike from the time my husband and I have been separated I realize that I am powerless over the affects that the disease has on the family as a whole, including my children. I can only keep reminding myself and them that their dad is "sick". My kids (4 of them), have been very supportive of me during the whole separation process, as I have been supportive of them as well. They all have expressed some relief that we no longer have to deal with the attitude of the alcoholic, yet I do realize that they still continue to suffer since their dad is seldom involved in their lives, his choice, not ours. They go through their stages of fustration, anger, feelings of abandoment by him, each dealing with these sensations as their individual personalities lead them to. We are fortunate to have a strong church family which has been available as needed to tend to our needs as a family and have helped by taking the kids on activities and spending time with them. I keep the door open for communication and allow them to vent in healthy ways and will ask them to consider ways of dealing with what they are feeling at the moment. I was heartbroken for my now 20 year old daughter at the time my a left the family, she was in her senior year of high school and had to deal with all of this. My now 25 year old daughter still has much anger as he was/is her step father and she had already felt abandoned by her natural father for many years, she has only spoken to him once in the past three years as she now resides in Germany. The younger two, ages 17 and 12 like when he calls them but they both refuse to call him... some anger issues and denial in dealing with his alcoholism. They all tend to thrive on male attention, so I try to address that issue with care. Lots of things to think about when we are faced with such a delima... take care and continue to reason things out.
hi browneyes, I remember that horrible feeling inside thinking about divorce and worrying about the kids.
But what it took for me was I caught him driving with the kids drunk.
All I know is it gets worse and worse and the kids will be growing up in an environment that will cause damage to them. Sometimes love is not enough. For me I chose to separate rather than have them grow up like that.
Divorce is not good either, so I remember the dilemma.
What I learn in alanon is to take one day, do what i can, and let the rest go. I ask hp to please guide me and put the crap into his hands. I do the daily stuff I know I need to and he will bring the outcome.
It is hell I know. I cannot think about my A's feelings anymore. He and his disease broke my heart for the last time. I plain don't allow myself to care.
As far as divorce I know for me, I would have to be sure, as sure as when I married him. I got a legal separation becuz I wasn't sure.
To be honest i still don't want a divorce. I need the connection for some reason. Besides I won't want one unless he ever cheats.
Alcoholism is so awful becuz it forces us to leave them to save ourselves. Cancer does not do that nore does ms or many diseases.
I refused to have my kids we in the Aism crap, I believe they are better for it. I am better now that he is gone.
Sweetheart for me I cannot think too far ahead. Life is too dang hard. One day is all I can handle.
When ya think of him, maybe put in I want to think of me. Learn to train yourself not to think of him. Or maybe even allow yourself a half hour a day or whatever to think, yell cry whatever then let it go.
Your little boy will be sad, and so will your daughter. Normal reactions. The best thing you can do is share their feelings with them, it teaches them that feelings are just that... feelings.
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