I am being tested and to see how well I put the alanon princliples to work.

I am trying to figure out how to best take care of me after a disappointing admission from my A. It is going to have some uncomfortable consequences for him. I want to keep it from making me crazy and figure out how to NOT let it make me crazy.

He was caught breaking and entering when he was high. I had thought he was clean and sober at that time, as that is what he told us. Low and behold he was not. Now I know it is unrealistic to expect that he will never fall again. But it always hurts when he does.

Anyway, this is most assuredly going to cost him his rent assisted apartment. Almost definitely will. Probably some jail time, and probation after.

He is staying here most of the time now, he always has. Only going to his apt at night. But now he is staying here at night too because he says that night time hours when he is alone is when he is most tempted. That is when he went on his spree in the apt office. Didn't steal anything except a roll of stamps, just went in and messed on their computers. That is what the police told me anyway. But enough to get him kicked out of there. I honestly don't know what he was doing.

Now, this is what is going through my mind. It is ok with me if he stays here for a little while. But I told him he can't live here. I like it with just my hubby and myself. We have an extra bedroom, but it is full of stuff and I don't want to move it all, even when he is here for a week or so. I have made the other extra bedroom into a serenity reading room for me that no one is allowed in, so that one is off limits to anyone but me.

I am trying to make sure this is not inconveniencing my life to the point it brings back the anxiety and such. But some of the stuff I am torn about.

I don't want him living here, he is our son and we love him, but we need our home to be our home. I just don't know if I can be that strong. I have already told him that, but late at night I toss and turn wondering if I did the right thing. I know I did, but I can't shut my mind off.

Another thing that is bothering me is I think he is lying to me (go figure) about some stuff that happened in the checking account that we had set up for his disability payments. I had to close that because money kept getting taken out of it from payday loans over the internet. This account is only accessable by me as I am his payee. He said it happened when he was on his spree in Oct, but it didn't. It happened the first of Dec. I am going to talk to him today about that when he wakes up. I will not yell or scream, just tell him that I need to know....(do I?) OR should I just leave that alone?

I will stand strong, I have decided that. I just need to talk about it to stay strong.

Thanks so very much.

Doxie