The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I had a conversation with my boss this morning part of being willing to show up in my life. I realise I would rather take his inventory than mine and part of this compulsive taking everyone else's inventory is willfulness on my part. Last summer I got willing to do work I would not normally do (the area I live in has been part of the recession that never ended). I found the job I have now as a result. Its not perfect by any means but nevertheless it was what I needed last summer. Its not what I need today but I would rather blame it on him than on me. Blame isn't much use to me however so I will have to work on being willing to look at other options. And that might mean giving up taking other's inventories.
Maresie I am certainly responsible for the same behaviors and thoughts and in the past they use to kill me. It's what I use to do and how I use to do it. Pray for a job and then get complacent and self righteous and then blame everyone and thing for the negative stuff I was going through; until... while staying in program, working with sponsor and others and "keeping an open mind" things started to change. I was given gratitude to work on and my negativism started to disappear. I was given compassion for others and my self righteousness started to diminish. (I am still looking for a surgeon who can remove my ego and have been told that I could do the job myself without the degree.) I was given responsibility, honesty and humility in order to accept the consequences of my decisions and actions. After this and more I got peace of mind and serenity (peace of soul) and learned a consequence of acceptance.
I also use to like to take others' inventories; now it raises feelings of guilt and I don't like that even more than the other.
It sounds like you have been in program for a while? Take what you like, leave the rest and still keep coming back.
Of course you would rather do someone else's inventory. We find that easier than admitting that we are not perfect. If we stopped taking their inventories.. then ...oh my ... what is that I see inside....ick!!
Actually, it is not that bad. I find that when I start to look at my own "character defects" I am a lot more understanding of others defects as well. I become more compassionate, and less obtrusive!
Boundaries are tremendously difficult for me. I want to either make it a catastrophe that I have to have them or resent deeply that I could not learn them before. I really resent my boyfriend deeply that all his dysfunction impacts me so deeply. He is a sweet saint to others outside including his mother. All his dysfunctional not paying the bills, allowing people the use of our house over and over and over again bothers me deeply. He knows that and does nothing about it in fact he uses that as an excuse..oh the poor thing I want boundaries he doesn't. What an awful person I am to have needs!!!!But making it a catstrophe night and day clearly does nothing to him. He just goes on being boundaryless with others and letting it impact me. Nothing changes at all . I can stand on my head telling him the same as I stood on my head about the smoking and the doping and the drinking and he still does nothing. In fact he uses my deep deep anger and deep sadness and upset as a reason for him to continue!
All I can do is protect myself. What really makes me incredibly angry is that I do not allow my dysfunction to impact him day in day out. I go out of my way to take responsibility for my stuff to take care of my issues so they do not impact him. I do it to the extent that I sacrifice myself for him. What does he care? Not one bit. I told him this morning I did not have the truck repossessed and then say oops sorry did that impact you gee I guess you should not have needs its your problem. Clearly he does not care how they impact me. Clearly it is too much effort to take care of the relationship for him because I am most definitely last on the list with himself. But oh when it comes to his friends, nothing is too much effort. He will people please himself to the extent that stuff is broken, he is never paid whatever. I am of course being on other side of people pleasing which is the side of feeling totally worn down by it and starting to have boundaries. He isn't.
I just have to put up huge boundaries to protect myself. Expect nothing, expect the unexpected and know I come last. Accepting it of course is very very difficult I would rather argue with him till the moon crashes to the earth. The fact is he lives in chaos and no matter what I do, say, cajole, plead he will always live in chaos till he decides not to. He has no boundaries except with me (mine is that I'm last) and he won't have any until he wants them. Currently he doesn't want them or else certain things would not be the way they are. And I have to accept that and live with it and find my own life regardless of it and stop arguing. Arguing is a big waste of my time for me he doesn't hear, he doesn't see and he doesn't care.
