The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am new to this message board as of yesterday and have found a lot of good help here already. I have lately had a problem with being stuck in my head, stuck in my own thoughts, and I can't seem to get away from them. Everything and nearly everyone is triggering me. I don't really know why, but I do know I feel mad at myself for feeling this way and I can't make it stop. I feel hesitant yet impulsive in my decision making. I feel unsure of myself, of who I am, I feel less than most, and irritated with myself that I have let myself become this way. I don't normally talk about how I feel and if I did I would follow it up with "but it's really not that bad, I'll get over it". I am driving myself nuts!!
I know being caught up in ourselves is a bad place to be and this isn't the first time for me and I know it does pass. Is there anyone else out there who ever feels something like this? What have you done to deal with these times?
Welcome to MIP. I often feel this way. I get so that I just cannot stop thinking. And that drives me crazy. So I do exactly what you did, I come here and write. It helps to just write it here and then read the replies, inevitably someone else has had the same thoughts I am having.
I hope that you find the Experience, Strength and Hope here that I have found and continue to find.
Sas, welcome to MIP and it's great that you found this and have the courage to ask for help. Read all the suggestions and experiences you get and "keep what you like and leave the rest"...for later. I also use to hate going through what you are going through. I also use to hate beating myself up while I was going through it and blaming myself for going through it. The people in my head abused me and so did I.
Listening in this program can help you learn soooo many ways of taking care of the problem. I learned that all of the worry, fear, compulsive thoughts, self blame never solved anything other than to make more of it happen. I now had a major reason to change. I am a visualizer as part of my recovery. One of the visualizations I use to and still practice when I need it is; visualize a door to my head and the room full of people in side of it. On the inside wall to the right of the entry is the light switch to the room which has no windows or other doors. I reach down for the door knob, turn it and enter the room (my room, my mind) and yell into the room, "You guys are making too much noise and have to leave!!" I hold the door open for them to leave and turn off the light while they leave and when they are all gone. I CLOSE THE DOOR BEHIND ME AND LEAVE TOO!!. I don't lock the door because I need to use my mind from time to time cause that is what HP gave me a brain for and I AM RESPONSIBLE FOR WHAT I THINK (That one was very difficult for me to believe when I first heard it because I thought that my mind ran itself).
Today I choose what I think about and how I do that and I use great crowd control when it comes to the number of people who gain entry into my brain.
I accept responsibility...not blame myself or others. There is more grace in accepting responsibility than in blame don't you think so?
Keep asking others for how they do it and you will come up with sooooooo much love and help. (((((hugs)))))
I can get so wrapped up with what is inside my head, and trying to change my thoughts... that I miss the most beautiful things. For example, I barely remember my daughter between the age of 2 and 5 because I was too busy trying to train my head to think the right things.
I waisted alot of time. :sad:
Now I have given myself the freedom to think. I just get busy while my head is doing that. I will wash the floor, go for a walk..even play Golf on PS2... you know mindless things. This way, I can think the thoughts, and hopefully get rid of the darn things!!
I won't say it works all the time, but I do know that at least things get done. It is much better than it used to be. My daughter is 6 now, and I remember every single day!!
The other night I was having a really bad night....cried so hard I made myself sick.
The next day I was telling my sister about it and she said...look at all that time you wasted being sad...those are moments in your life that you will never get back and you wasted them all your crying and being upset didn`t change anything...and she was right. I`m trying not to dwell on things and think positive thoughts.
Thank you to everyone for your wonderful sharing. I am just beginning to express my feelings opening and honestly. Jerry, I loved your visualization example and I used it on my way to a meeting tonight. I am happy to report that those "people" in my head have left the building!
I struggled this past week feeling irritable, restless, and discontent with myself/my life. I was holding a bowl full of self pity and eating it up. I am just beginning to take advantage of what this program has to offer. My husband got out of rehab last May and has been working a fantastic program. I have been loafing. I attend an open AA meeting once a week with my husband and have not been to an Al Anon meeting since last June! I didn't dive into the program then and was trying to figure it all out first. I feel like I have been sort of riding along on my husband's coattails, but it has been good because I feel it has relaxed me about Al Anon. In fact is it possible some of what I am feeling is because I now am throwing myself into my recovery and there could be some fear about what will happen and whwat will I need to give up, what will I discover about myself?????? These feelings inhibited me in the past. All I know right now is that by reading posts and writing to this board and attending meetings I am feeling better. That alone is enough to keep me coming back.
Thanks for this share. I have been really stuck in my head the last week . . . the scary part of doing that, is the fact that often I begin to twist things and may not be seeing them very clearly. Also, it seems like things are always bigger and worse in my head . . . once I say them or write them down, I have more clarity.
Anyway, Sas, I just wanted to say thank you for sharing about how you go to an aa meeting with your husband, but have neglected the alanon meetings, etc. I actually have felt guilty going into some alanon meetings, because it has been so long since I've been there . . . like I've failed and should be further along than what I am. I think over the last year and a half of my husband's recovery, there was a good 8 months where I was just so angry, and I didn't want to even hear the word "alcoholic." I just got sick of it all. I don't know if anyone else has ever felt that way . . . so, for a while I rebelled and just stayed away from it all . . . angry that I had to get help just to live life. I hope that I can start being consistent in going to meetings and seeking support for me. It is scary. Alcoholism is such a disease of secrecy that it still gives me pause to really talk about how I feel. Sometimes I don't even know how I really feel or what it is I really think . . . so used to just fitting in with what's going on around me.
Well, that's enough . . . just wanted to say thanks.
I really understand where your are coming from. Last year I felt pressured to go to al anon and my husband was pushing it, his treatment center (I felt) was pushing it, and I didn't really know why I should go. What the heck am I supposed to say. It seemed that everyone had something worthwhile to offer to the meeting and all I had were questions/crying complaints. I was so confused about my feelings too. I had to write an impact letter to my A when he was in treatment and it took me over a month to do it. I could not organize my thoughts and I didn't really have a grasp on what I was feeling. I couldn't put to words what was going on in my head. All I was able to express were very basic emotions....I'm angry, I'm sad, I'm disappointed, I'm confused. I did write my letter and somehow got out how his using made me feel. It was helpful.
I finally went to a meeting when I felt ready. I did get relief, but I still felt like I was the only one who just didn't get it. I didn't really know what to say. I believe it has taken me this long to really begin to feel and recognize my feelings again. It is almost a year since we both hit bottom and I am just feeling like things are getting better. Sobriety, in my case is much better, but it is absolutely not perfect. Being the perfectionist I am often reminding myself that I am looking for progress NOT perfection. As I have heard and also need to remind myself that recovery is a journey not a destination. Much of my thinking needed to change and some of it has been easy and some of it is like pulling teeth. I have very deep rooted thought processes and it will take time to change them.
Today I am fully ready to give myself over to someone else for help. I have been tremendously self willed for a long time, but I am excited today because I have my first example of how this program works. I finally listened to someone else and took their advice and went to a meeting, I found this message board, and I talked my problem over with someone whose thinking is better than my own right now. I followed the advice of senior al anon members AND aa members and I took my own thinking out of the equation. I did what was told and I feel so much better. This is, as I have said, enough to keep me coming back. I know I feel better. I am suprised at the enthusiasm I now have about this because it wasn't there last year. I keep myself moving forward slow and steady.
Thanks for your sharing. Your post is the first one I replied to. It stood out to me right away. Your sharing helped me and I thnak you.
