The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I hope you all had a safe and peaceful new Year. I also hope 2006 brings Joy< peace and happiness to all of you and yours.
This past ten days have been so draining, and so enlightening. I have done so much thinking, some good and some bad, and dealt with so many emotions, mine, my childrens, my husbands and even my Mother In Laws. I feel tired and sad, but I know I did the things I had to do and have no regrets about how I have handled things.
I made my peace with my Father In Law. We where never close, but I have prayed and spoken to him in my thoughts and prayers and I wish him nothing but peace in the road ahead of him.
A lot of people disagreed with me, but I made up my mind when all of this happened to be there for my husband. The kids know I am here, I felt he needed to be sure. I supported him, let him sound off at me, I hugged him and loved him unconditionally. I expected nothing and was prepared for the worst. I helped him get through this, by staying by his side and letting him hold onto me. I didn't do it to prove a point, I just didn't know what else to do, just be with him and let him know I love him.
He stayed sober for the two days of the funeral, and I am glad he did this, it made it easier for everyone and I am proud of him. Last night he got smashed and started ranting and crying and had a lot of problems. I didn't get mad, I realize that is what he does, I'm not excusing it, just accepting it. I kept quiet and let him cry and didn't makae any comments. I don't even have any urges to lash out at him right now.
I don't know what the future holds. I know he is in for a very rough road. His Father support him in every way and that is now over. His Mother made excuses for him, but now his brotehr will be handling the money and he is not tolerant of my husbands not working or is drinking. Things are going to change, maybe for the better, maybe not, only time will tell. I see so many changes and swinging emotions already, I know there is so much more to come.
Yesterday I found myslef defending my Mother In Law. If someone told me a month ago I would be doing that I would have torn out my tongue. My husband got into it with his brother and then went and dumped it all on her. When he told me about it, I asked if he was nuts. I told he she does not need that petty nonsence right now and to leave her alone about it. He said "you don't even like my Mother, why do you care?" I said listen, she just buried her husband, she does not need to play referee with her sons, give her a little peace for now. The odd part is I meant it, she needs to deal with her own grief and her own issues, not theirs.
She was actually civil to me during the funeral. She told me how wondeful the big kids where and how well behaved the little guys where and thanked me for everything I had done. I hugged her and said your welcomed.
I remembered this week how much I love my husband. Him hurting and my children hurting, hurt me so much more than any pain, I can imagine. I don't know what the future holds and I am afraid, but I also think we will be dealing with it together, as a family. I think his Dad is probably smiling about that.
Jeanie: Six years ago my mother died unexpectedly. I had no one to go to talk about my own grief. I also had a lot of feelings I shut down on. I hope you have people around who can you share your own grief with. I think its great you are there, tolerant and understanding of your husband's grief. Nevertheless I know with my boyfriend's family there is a lot of grief in living for me. His mother is so intolerant of illness, hardship anything that is not perfect. I know when the time comes for her to be sick it will be very hard on her. And I am not sure how I will detach or think about it. I know I had my own fantasies of getting nutured by her and supported by her that did not happen (because of her own issues) and I resent some of the things she has done with my boyfriend deeply. At the same time I recognise her as a very flawed person. I can grieve her now but if she were to die unexpected there would be grief for my boyfriend too. I think its a fine line to walk between being supportive of others and taking care of me too. You have your own grief too and you deserve to express it. I hope this board can be there for you if you choose to when you choose to. Certainly it doesn't sound like your husband is in a postion to hear it or share it with you.
Thanks so much for your kindness and support, I appreciate it.
I have cried, I am being very careful not to do it in front of my husband, he isn't doing well, and falls apart at the slightest thing right now.
The kids and I have cried together, they too are worried about how this is effecting my husband, but they have lost their PopPop and their has been so much anger in our lives recently that they have quite a few issues to deal with. I have explained to them that we all in anger sometimes use harsh words that we wish we can take back. I have assured then that he knew they loved him and that they can still talk to him in their prayers and hearts. I have also spoken with the school counselors who are available if the kids need them.
My Father in Law took a fall and suffered a cerebral hematoma and a stroke, complications from teh surgery led to his passing. Tonight our 2 year old took a fall and bumped his head. He was fine, he got up and was more upset with losing the sandwich he was eating than his head. My husband completely lost it, he was terrified. He broke down and kept saying "I can't bear it if anything happens to him, he hit his head like my Dad." I hugged him and reminded him that 2 year olds bounce. I told him it is normal for him to be raw and afraid right now, and after a while he pulled himself together. It's going to take time.
That was a very tough week and you did great! It takes great strengh to hold it together and take care of you at the same time. Even if your a doesn't recognize that, you should pat yourself on the back.
