The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My a just left. He came up to have dinner with the boys and I . We actually had a nice conversation in which I was not constantly looking/listening for the manipulation. I even told him how I felt about he manipulations he had tried this week and how all it accomplished was giving me more conviction that he could not come home. He said that he realized that was what he was doing, had even spoken about it at a meeting. Someone he did not even realize had been at the meeting came up to him at another meeting and asked if he signed the papers. He did.
It was nice to have a quiet conversation with him. We both shared some of the things we have been learning about at meetings. We have spoken a different language for so long, it is nice to be able to speak the same one, even if it is just for a little while. I am grateful for the time we spent together. I was glad to see him leave. I do love him deeply, but right now it is not ok for him to be staying at our house. He left with no commotion, wanting to get to an 8pm meeting. Called right after he left and said it just came on the radiom, "the governor just put out a no travel ban" LOL he was kidding, I told him he'd have to stay at a neighbor's house anyway. Mother Nature will not be used as manipulation. I had feared this, had thought that was what he would do. I am glad he did not. And learned a little in the process.
I feel ok today, but scared at the same time. I am so easily sucked in and want to stay strong. He is a master manipulator and I need to protect myself. I love this man, we do not fight, we do not yell and scream. I have to good of an understanding of this disease to put myself through that anymore, it is a waste of my energy. Yet, living with him, the lies, the deceit, not be able to trust, the let down, well, I cannot do that anymore.
Looking forward to the New Year, even though I am scared as hell. With this program, I know that I will be ok. Maybe not where I thought I would be, but ok. I am taking care of me.
Well I live with an a so of course I am manipulated, lied to and used. I know that now having been in this program a very short while. I do not have to take it personally and see it as a reflection on me. But I also do not have to take the saving him to be my life mission. Saving me is hard enough. I am trying to get over flu and a cough (I have asthma so coughs are not good) and I am trying to rest and do some of the grief work I promised myself on my mother's death a few years ago. She died around this time and I try to do some grief work over the holidays because it is hard to access those feelings other times. When she died I went on total shut down and was around people who did not really want to hear my grief. They thought since I had been estranaged from her for a long time there would be none left. There is a lot left to do and I did some today weeping for her and for me.
I was once married to an alcoholic who eventually went on to be a social worker. I have been having feelings about him over the holidays looked him up on Google and discovered he had a licence and I wanted an amend from him. Of course since he is a recovering alcholic/addict I did not get one. I wanted to shame him for not doing his program right and now I am prepared to let it go. He was always an addict/alcoholic. He told me when he met me he was an alcoholic. He was always lying about everything, everyone, and projecting tremendous criticism on me (what's new with that). I can let that go now not bring that into the new year with me. I am glad that I have been able to do so much work on relationships in my 4th step and let some things go. It is hard to carry a lot of baggage around with me.
I am glad to be around people who are not telling me what to do how to do it and when or reacting to my sad life with my parents as a child and I have comfort them for hearing it.
