The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Just read Diva’s post and it prompted me to write something about my situation. Seems strange to be writing this, but congratulations Diva. You're in a unique situation, but if it works for you, great. I realize I have no right to judge other people and what’s good for them. I'm technically in the same situation; divorced and living together, but not by choice. I didn't want the divorce. After, my ex told me, and others, that it was a big mistake. She said she shouldn't have listened to all the people who pushed her into it. It's like living in limbo and it sucks. Our house is off the market since the previous buyers backed out of the contract, and I don't know if we are staying here and working on fixing the marriage, or just waiting till a better time to sell to put it back up. My ex does not want to discuss any of this, she says she's not sure what she wants. She has been staying in our bed for the past couple of weeks (no sex, that’s out of the question right now) and not staying out all night. I know she hasn’t broken it off with the other guy yet, she says their friends. One problem is I don’t trust her when she tells me where she is all the time. I called last week to ask her when she would be home and she said she was at a restaurant with co workers. I just got this bad vibe that she was lying. Then I wonder what else is she lying about.
I met a new friend of hers the other night. My ex and I met ‘D’ at Applebees. I had a nice time, and I think my ex and her friend did too. The next night my ex went out with some other friends. I got a call from her at 12:30 AM and she asked if I could come pick her up, she had a few drinks, and didn‘t want to drive. This was the first time she’s called me to come get her. Usually she drives home with someone else and stays at their house. I met her at the bar about an hour later and she introduced me to about half a dozen of her ‘new’ friends. We followed another couple back to their house and hung out talking and shooting pool till 4 AM. On the way home, my ex told me “You must have made quite an impression on ‘D’ the other night; everyone wanted to meet you.” It felt kind of good to hear this, but all along I’m thinking; yeah, this is exactly why you avoided introducing me to your new friends, they might have tried to talk you out of the divorce if they got to know me.
Anyway, my ex had told me she has plans for New Years tonight with ‘D’ and I would be included. Then she said she wasn’t sure it was a good idea. I asked her about it yesterday and she said ‘I thought I told you I feel uncomfortable.’ I asked why?; her friends don’t feel uncomfortable around me. She said she’d think about it. So I still don’t know if I’m spending tonight with her or not and don’t want to push the issue. This is the kind of stuff that sucks and makes me want to just give up. I don’t want to live like this, but I would like to see if we can work things out for our kids, I know they want us all to stay together. I do too, but not like this. It’s so hard when you love someone and realize how much damage this disease had caused to the relationship.
I’ve been looking for a job in my profession, engineering, and I’m slowly getting my self-confidence back about getting back to work full time. I have a feeling that once I get back to work, back on track financially, and start to develop a social life outside of my family and AA, I’m not going to be waiting any longer for her to get her shit together. It’s time to move on if she continues treating me like this. I’m just trying to be patient and take one day at a time.
After reading your post a couple things came to mind.........Do you have a plan B if things dont work out according to plan? Us alanoners always seem to forget that we too have "choices" whether we want to participate or not. Our expectations seem to get us into more trouble than its worth, and when they are not met, we seem to fall back into the old stinking thinking ways. Whatever you choose to do or not do, is ok, and please dont be hard on yourself, and have a great New Year.............gardengal
That's a very difficult situation you're in. It sounds like finding serenity might be a big challenge until you have resolution one way or the other. In the meantime, try to take good care of YOU. Your last paragraph points to some hope for the future. Hang in there. You're a nice man and you deserve a happy life.
Hi Lou remember you too have choices if you are not comfortable the way your relationship is going then you can do something about it as well. It feels to me as if your self confidence is a bit shattered at the moment and for this reason you are indecisive about your living situation. Pray to HP Lou you are a kind person and have come a very long way. You have helped me to understand the other side of the story. Hope 2006 gives you a chance to become whole again and creates positive new beginnings for you. Luv Leo xx
Actually, this post sounds a great deal more serene and positive than your prior posts and shows that you are moving forward. You are mapping out a direction for your future, you are coming to terms with moving ahead, and you are entertaining the idea that there can be a happy life after divorce. All of this is good. Please don't forget that moving forward usually includes baby steps and the two-step-forward-one-step-back dance.
Feel proud of yourself. You have been doing some very difficult emotional work and the payoff is starting now.
