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Over the last couple of months I have suspected that my husband has been actively drinking again. However, I do not look for the proof and I do not question him on it. The progression came to a crescendo last night. Early in the day I expressed some feelings I had to my husband - of which he became very defensive and denied vehemently. I refused to apologize for how I was feeling, and refused to take ownership or guilt in how it made him feel. Well to my surprise later in the day he called me at work and apologized for his denial of my feelings and some actions he has had over the past couple of days. Along with the apology he invited me out to dinner. I was a little hesitant as in the past when he has a day off things have become less than pleasant to be around him.
We brought the kids to Build A Bear to make bears - the line was very long so hubs did not want to wait and got quickly upset. I brought kids in to look around. They were able to buy prestuffed bears which they were ok with. The kids did not have enough on their gift cards so I used my mall gift card to supplement the balance. Kids were estactic. Hubs stood outside the store brooding - of which I did not acknowledge - that was his choice. He complained about the overspending coming out of the bank. I stated to him that it was my gift card and my choice to use it. However, he did not grasp the concept that I was using a gift card. He was hung up on the monies coming out of the bank. Something of which he never worried of before.
After dropping kids off at sitters & a brief stop at home to freshen up, we were off to dinner. This time he was driving. I had no clue as to whether he had been drinking as his complaining is a normal part of everyday life. The first indication that he may have been was when he got annoyed at a guy in front of us. Both of us taking a U-Turn and the guy in front of us did not go right when the light changed. At this particular area there is a seperate Uturn island that is posted you must use. The guy in front of us did use that while my husband made a direct uturn much to fast. As this guy in a large pickup was coming through the legal uturn my husband was trying to beat him out. All I could see was the truck coming up on the side of me. I thought for sure this guy would hit us. Because of the speed in which my husband was going he missed the entrance lane to the resteraunt and almost hit another car in the exit lane of the resteraunt. All my hubs could do was complain about how others were driving wrong. I chose not to react. I would express my fears and feelings to him when I thought he was coherent to listen to them. I did however, take his keys from his coat so as I would be able to drive home. During our wait at the resteraunt on several occasions the temper flared - none of which I would react to. On 2 occasions he left. I vowed that I would stay and have a good meal regardless of his actions - which at times were loud and I admit embarrassing. The one thing that bothered me most was the looks of pity I got from people in the general area of where we were. We ultimately had dinner in which he ordered a beer then changed his order after it was served. He made a comment to me about ruining the night as he was now feeling guilty. I stated to him that I would not give him that power over my night. I had a good meal, enjoyed the people watching, and caught part of a hockey game on TV.
The observations I made while waiting to be seated were that there were so many couples there. All of which were close and talking lightly with each other. Standing outside myself I looked upon my hubs and I and saw only sadness, apathy and disdain. It truly is sad what this disease does to individuals, couples & families. The progression of this disease turns the ones we love into unsafe & unreliable shadows of what they used to be.
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Nobody cares how much you know until they know how much you care. Love you all!
Karen
What a heartfelt, honest share. Wow, what progress you made. So proud of you for staying strong to your convictions and not allowing him to ruin your evening. The truck incident sure sounds scary too. I understand that apathy and feeling of loneliness as you view other couples truly being intimate (conversing, smiling, holding hands, listening to each other).
Just wanted to send you a bunch of love, as you peel another layer of your onion (ha ha), and discover what you are truly living with and if you want to continue living that way. It's heartbreaking yet when we make good decisions that are healthy for us, it's amazing how empowered we feel.
Love, Maria
HAPPY NEW YEAR (((((((my friend)))))))
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
My boyfriend does that roadrage stuff all the time. He crashes cars, has accidents and is always saying it is every one else fault. He drives fast, gets tickets, can't pay them, gets a warrent, goes to jail, claims I should pay it. I get exhausted around it. He is always crashing his cars and paying increasing amounts of money to fix them, they are out of order, he gets frustrated takes it out on me. We are down to one truck which has the bumper hanging off it. He will not take it back to the body shop because he cannot deal with his frustration and rage. He is as addicted to driving recklessly as everything else and he will not come out of denial about it. He is always acting out his rage in the car. I say very little to him in the car because anything can set him off.
This weekend of course I fear he will get a dui. I am not sure he will as he always manages to walk on that edge of destruction. He knows I will not pay for another truck. If he crashes this one and it is a right off that will be it. The last time he crashed the issue went over the insurance limits and he barely escaped with out litigation. He has litigation all around him liens galore from the irs, previous settlments about car accidents (when he had no insurance) and more. I have had to turn it over to hp I have no control over when he will be killed or crash the car again. He may he may not. I know that I have to look at that I knew long ago he had severe issues with driving and I was in tremendous denial about it and I realise that is because I am in tremendous denial about my own rage and my own issues. I can tune out in a minute when someone has my issues. I do not run and crash cars but I nearly kill myself with this internalized rage. I make it all when it is not all him. I have enough rage to blow up a city and kill people and still I do not want to deal with it. I crash my life all the time by allowing him to derail me time and again and I am glad to have the chance to blame him rather than look at myself and my issues deep long hard issues that were there long before I met him. As much as he makes it all me I make it all him and nothing changes if nothing changes.
Thanks for sharing this. Unfortunately for me, this reminded me of some of my behaviors as being on the other end of the disease. My own stinking thinking and crappy behavior.
The worrying about other drivers, the quick temper at long lines, the brooding outside the store, the worrying about the money. Wow that could have been me!
Combine this w/ the way you handled it Alamom, for me was a great do's and don'ts.
Interesting how through others ES&H we can learn. :)
As for Progression. I like they line my therapist uses. "Progression is a wonderful thing." Maybe I'm twisted but I got it. It means they aren't in limbo, they are going in the direction that they need to go in, to finally possibly bottom out and possibly get help. Admittedly if we get sucked into the disease it's just all to painful to experience with them and to watch.
Bob
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You are a perfect child of God and God and I love you just the way you are! (added by me...in that special alanon way)
