The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
When we are reduced to our last extreme, there is no further evasion. The choice is a terrible one. It is made in the heart of darkness ... when we who have been destroyed and seem to be in hell miraculously choose God! --Thomas Merton
There are many ways we benefit from a life crisis. Perhaps none of us could achieve true adult maturity - or a relationship with God - without having the foundations of our lives shaken. One of our pathways to crisis was the willful pursuit of control in our codependent and addictive lives. Our lifestyles were extreme, the consequences were extreme, and our surrender had to be absolute.Most of us are surprised by how our weaknesses can turn to strengths. When our defiant wills led us to the utter bottom of our despair, we finally turned to a Power greater than ourselves and found a new way to live. This spiritual story is told in endless variations in our meetings, and it is renewed in small ways every day in each of our lives.God, lift my defiant willfulness from me and renew my day.
>>>>rosie....well there is crisis and there is total catagory 6 devestation....mine was maybe a "cat 5"...but which ever way i cut it....i was honest with my hp, when i got into this program......"push more crisis on me, and i am a gonner..i can't take anymore..." i told my hp i need love and nurturing, crisis for me, as "pained out" as i am, would only serve to drive a wedge between me and my higher power.....i think life went to the well too many times on me....yes, i do see challenges as growth lessons...and i don't expect my life to be exempt from challenges just becuz i survived what i did, but enough is enough.....even as i get healthier in my recovery, i know that this life took its toll on me....i got "pained out"....now i want to just get to the end as peacefully as i can....mend my spiritual fences and make my PEACE with me and my life situations!!!
>>>>>rosie.....even horses that get ridden into the ground get to rest ..their legs are weak from the hardship they bore..the bones can heal up, but never the same as B4!!!....i see myself as like that....i got ridden into the ground....oh i can heal greatly in this program...but my "tripple crown" days are over!!!! a nice pleasure ride in the country is the realistic proposition now..... i don't mine my FAIR share of challenges...but those "life shattering" kind that visited me regularly???? naw, there is nothing in the tank for THAT kind of devestation.....lessons from the "light" are the kind that yes, hurt, sometimes, but i can get over it..get past it or through it....the kind i got in the past??? were of the darkness...the kind that made me attempt suicide...the kind that mentally and emotionally devestated me to the very depths of my soul.....i am GRATEFUL that i dont' see that kind visiting me again....i DID surrender to my HP, and i DO believe i am done with THAT kind of crisis....NOONE will ever visit that kind of pain on me again......and i am grateful for that....the "regular" type of challenges?? with the program, i am learning how to deal with them......
>>>>rosie...yes, my codependency was extreme...abusing alcohol to be able to "stand life"....yes, i was extreme....the consequences?? were perpetual codependency and its horrible tattered garments.....my surrender WAS complete....i gave UP!! for me in the past, giving up was planning another suicide...i felt it was the ONLY way i would feel safe....get the tormenting demons off my back.....gain some peace....now?? my drug of choice is this program, and its sugesstions.......i am "comming back" to a good degree...my worn out soul is finding some new energy....but like the tired race horse...my days at the "preakness" are over!!! but i do see a gloss comming into my spiritual coat..i am eager for my daily "feedbag" of the steps/meeting/et al..... i see a resurgence of being able to just "have fun".....i am "shaking hands with" me......i was GLAD to give up this self sabotaging will....GLAD that i have an inner higher power......NOW i take care of me...i show at LEAST respect for me, maybe not QUITE love, but self love is developing!!!!! this program has caused this old horse to be able to get up and run around the pasture, kicking up her heels with some spunk!!!!! i do have some good miles left in me.... i can do things with joy now...i can take the good and leave the bad now....i think i can live now!!!!
Thanks rosie for that quote i can relate to it very well. I feel like i have been to hell and back since i joined the felloship three years ago my life changed dramatically i emersed myself into working the programme and did service whenever possible. I felt the warmth of the fellowship and the love from my f2f members all i felt was acceptance. I made a decision to keep coming back and worked my pregramme by using all the tools available. However it dawned on me in the begining of this year that my relationship with a RA was based on my need to be needed "my codependency" i prayed about my situation and shared at mtg i got alot of support and i conciously decided to end our three years relationship in july05.6 months after my breakup I SUNK back to depression and back to paranoia hence diagonised for the 5th time as paranoid schizophrenic.Iam on medication and this is when i trully desired to turn over completely my will and my life to my higher power of whom i am trying to establish a relationship with.I feel during this time of my slip that i really need my HP and the fellowship so that i will be able to live a full life inspite of my illness.It just feels like am back to square one but iam grateful for at last i feel totally powerless and have no other choice but to surrender totally my codependecy and all that comes with this illness.I hope to keep on hanging there as long as it takes.Thank you alanon for the hope of recovery and thanks to this forum coz as for now iam unable to attend f2f meetings regularly.This forum has been my consolation during my traumatizing moments iam glad also for my computer.
hey hopeful , you hang in there.....each day i pray to stay humble so i am teachable/ healable/ approachable and communicable to my higher self.....
the minute ego sets in??? i am back to square one...its sooo easy to fall back...constant vigilence on my spirit keeps me for TODAY, overcomming my illness......thanks for your reply....peace/ rosie
