The material presented
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
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when I look back at my past relationships, i often found JEALOUSY a common negative thought and emotion that has been sitting in me...and it has sabotaged many situations. and blinded me and misleaded me. I want to work on that for the future. I know it is related to fear and anger... I know also that I own my feelings...so nobody else can change them...so there is no use anymore trying to control others to take care of that feeling. I admit though that this emotion is really scaring me and massively devastating. I want to heal from it. any ESH share on that from you folks out there??? such a big insecurity all the time...it has forced me several times to give up a relationship, which is actually 'running away'...which doesn't reduce the suffering , and is no solution, because at the same time I have the need to be close to somebody, need for being loved and nurtured...like everybody. I want to get healthy in this aspect, because I hurt myself AND others with that attitude. (and by the way, it is also a common feeling between me and my siblings, so it might have something to do with family relations in the past?!)...anyway...it's blocking life and happiness.
So with that caveat in place I've been looking at my reactions to my AH's awful behaviour with another woman a couple of years ago and it sure is a learning curve.
At the time I thought that there was something that I had done wrong, in fact I pretty much accepted it was my fault. I was scared of not being good enough and I was scared of him leaving. I was in a weak place because my mother had just died and of course there I was trying to control my AH's behaviour by waving red flags and getting upset. I really valued our relationship and I remember being very conscious of not wanting to throw all the good stuff away just because some tart had targeted my man. Certainly my usual reaction when someone is pissing me off that much is to walk away and cut them out of my life so I felt a bit like a headless chicken on reins at the time - I wanted to leave but did not want to leave my new home and life here in Italy. It did not occur to me that actually AH should perhaps have been the homeless one if that was how he wanted to behave!!
Now when I look back on all of that I wonder what on earth was I trying to do?!!! Needless to say my next emotional parking space was rage about AH's behaviour and the pain he caused when I needed some support etc
Now I marvel at my lack of self esteem - where was my self confidence? There are other ways of measuring my self worth other than self sacrifice!! What on earth was I thinking trying to do by boost my AH's feelings self esteem whilst letting him walk over me. It did neither of us any good.
So the upshot is that I think that jealousy fades away when it comes up against our feeling good about ourselves. If that jealousy cat tries to smooch up to me (and it sure is a pesky stray that keeps returning) then I look at how I am, I do something to boost my own self esteem if I need to and then I walk on air. No need to make a fuss at all because I'm soooo worth it! (can you hear my tigress purrring?)
When you really love yourself and have relationships from that standpoint, Jealousy becomes less of an issue because you won't need to worry about being cheated on. Your HP can't cheat on you, so that's first and foremost. Anything else is something I can and will recover from. I don't think my current partner would do that because I can sense we are happy in this current relationship. We both tend to our needs and it's not a sick relationship like ones I had in the past were we were trying to validate each other's insecurities and caretake for each others weaknesses.
Ultimately, jealousy loses it's power the more I feel like I am doing good for myself. Nobody can hurt me that way because 1. I know I'll be okay on my own if needed. 2. There's plenty of fish in the sea, so if someone cheats on me, I can always cut them loose and find a more suitable partner because I am worthy.
Being jealous of what other people have and such is a bit more complicated.
Observe these feelings from the side, feel it out and yet objectivly observe at the same time. Try to identify the cause, or the lack, which emmits those harmful feelings. Sometimes in order to bring what we need in our life we have to really feel out the space of the missing thing and discover its shape and quality from the opposite side.
knowing what you want and need gives you a foundation from which to cultivate the authentic filling. Relationships at their best are mutual giving to one another. love based on giving. You get what you give ultimately. It took me years to learn this. All the treasures are in you waiting to be found and shared. The joy is in the sharing.
Be gentle with yourself and come to know the unique lovely you. A gift, and a blessing. Good luck and best wishes, Mary Contrary
Hi before alcoholism I was confident and never really got jelous.
However my partner was unfaithful when drunkand I believe this may have happened a couple of times yet I have no proof bar 1 time.
I forgave him because I thought he is sick and would not do it when sober.
He is sober today and I do trust him, however sometimes the old pain and fear comes back.
My sposor gave ne an activiy to do
The fear why how I felt part I played
I realsied that I stayed with him because I never loved me, I realsied that I was scared of being alone, I never had any self love or esteem left once alcoholim chewed me up and spat me out.
I do not want this disease to win neither does my partner, we are both in recover trying to fight the effects of this disease.
I have made myself a promise that i have not even mentioned to my partner, if he slips and drinks and ever cheats again I am gone. I deserve better whether he is ill or means it or not. the fear and jelousy have gone, I love me today and anyone i share my life with has to treat me with respect or i am gone. No one can abuse me anymore becaues I matter to me, no need to get jelous its about the other person not that I am not loveable, sexy worthy.
hope you get something from my share hugs tracy xxxx
I have been married since 1971. He stopped drinking and went to AA in 2000. I started AlAnon in 2000. I had no idea what alcoholism was before I married it. I knew he drank too much but he was always the provider. About in 2003 after lots and lots of AlAnon meetings I realized I would be okay no matter what he did. If I stayed or if I left, it didn't matter, because I finally felt deep inside that I was watched over by an HP (whatever that is) that would take me through and take care of me like no person ever could. I knew I would be okay. Before that I simply had un-knowing anxiety. I didn't know that was what was wrong with me. I worried about everything. I had internal conversations with everyone. I had to be safe. I had to be sure. Jealousy was a positive thing because it kept me aware and safe of the unknown. Anxiety was a positive thing because it kept me safe and aware.
It was all fear. Fear of some unknowable thing. I could control if I only KNEW!
When I finally felt like I would be okay no matter what is when I truly got the 3rd step......"and I'll let him!" 1st step is "I am not in control". 2nd is "there is a power greater than me who can...." It feels really good. I can know that when something bad happens all I have to do is ask and my HP will let me know.
I don't have very good ESH, or I guess I can say my experience to me is unique.
I was very jealous during my marriage. I worried constantly that he would cheat on me. Guess what? He did, he did often, regularly and no amount of my fretting did a darned thing to stop it. Overtime I became hardened to it until I finally left for a host of reasons.
Since then I've been in two serious relationships. One last year to an alcoholic and we were madly in love. But I'd also done a lot of emotional work on my "inner value" and so I come to relationships now with the belief that 'if you can be taken from me, you are free to go". I wouldn't waste 5 minutes worrying about it now, I feel I deserve someone to be faithful, so I just expect it and if they are to prove otherwise its not about me.
So with that mentioned relationship I just knew he wouldn't. He was absolutely crazy about me (vice versa as well) and you know I just felt it. I knew he'd never do that to me.
Sadly alcohol broke us up and then took his life last month.
A new relationship that has been developing into something more serious right now its the same. I know he's crazy about me, and I feel the same for him and hes even in a high risk job (he's a musician in a country music band, if you ever saw those events, holy cow). We joked talking one night he says to me "oh so my motto is *if someone can take you, they can have you*" and I just laughed and said "we are going to get along famously I have the same thoughts".
I would be lying if I said it doesn't sometimes get difficult when girls throw themselves at the band members. But I know he won't do anything and if he did... well that means I've learned something new about his character that I'll use to make the decision to leave.
But I could sit and fret, worry and think constantly about this but I don't. When the thought hits me I simply think "oh there it is, that worry, let it go you know he loves you".
I too have been jealous of lots of things throughout my life. I have been jealous of many people my ex AH was nice too. I used to resent his family and friends. I think it was to do with the fact they were powerless and could have a relationship with him knowing they were powerless while here was me stuck with trying to get him sober and failing miserably. It is related to how sick I was. I have also been jealous of my neighbours for the life I thought they had. Calm and 'normal.' I have been jealous of people with beautiful personalities because I was so guarded for years and I wanted to get close to people but couldnt. Years later I have been jealous of families with 'normal' or healthy teenage sons. It used to make me so sad seeing Mothers or Fathers with their kids, having good relationships. I realise jealousy has been a defect of my character my whole life, it has limited my enjoyment of life my ability to forge friendships and join in with life. It has meant I feel uncomfortable in nice pleasant situations because at the back of my mind was always 'why cant I have that...' When I really think about it I have been so full of self pity and hopelessness that I think jealousy is part of that. I am getting a bit better. Through wrking the steps I have tried offering that one up to God. I have asked him to remove this defect. So I have been trying to replace it with better, kinder thoughts. If I see a nice family together my habit of thinking - look at them (with bitterness and ill will) with their perfect life that I could never have, I catch myself, I think NO I will not allow these horrible thoughts I will find good ones so then I think, oh look at that nice family and I even try hard to take a moment to enjoy the encounter. It is not easy but it is becoming much more natural and I feel better for it. Also, there is no guilt attached to these new thoughts so I can hold my head up and smile which means people are much more attracted to me. Thank You Tortuga I think I needed this today.
Thank you all for sharing and joining in this conversation. a lot of awareness here. also I am currently reading a book, around that subject, which I find really kind, true and interesting, motivating me to grow out of this, I thought I 'd also share with you: Fear- essential wisdom for getting through the storm, by Thich Nhat Hanh. enjoy your day. Thank you for your openness.
