The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I truly hope that many of you have been having wonderful holiday celebrations. I haven't had a chance to read this forum for a couple of weeks, but I have noticed many posts from people who, like me, have not been able to enjoy the season. It is a very sad and difficult time with this "family disease" destroying away.
Last time I posted here, I was still reeling from my husband M's horrible rampage of destruction that he brought along with his relapse to using drugs and alcohol. A good friend from another 12 step program (another recovering addict with many years, like I am and like my husband WAS) told me that he was sorry for me that M had to bring me to HIS bottom.
Does it have to be this way? Here I sit in my home, that I have loved so much, waiting for people who are on their way to make me an offer on it. Our business, that has supported our whole family, I just "let go" because M was making it unbearable for me to try to continue.
I am very sad that I ALLOWED all of his self destruction to bring me to almost the same horrible place where he's brought himself. I felt literally like a battered tiny boat in a storm, and I could not sustain my course. So, I capsized.
Now things with M have settled down into the predictable misery of an addict. He is no longer harassing, stalking and torturing me, claiming that he was faultless and that I, the heinous bitch, threw him out of his life just because of my hormonal problems or whatever. Now he is completely "down" with being an addict, and is sitting in his apartment cooking pain pills and injecting them. NOW my new problem is that I feel so sorry for him, my heart is bleeding for him, I want to do something about his problem.
IS there anything I could do? Should I contact his cadre of adoring enablers (his mother and 2 other former mutual friends, both women, who "helped" him after I "kicked him out of his life") and ask them to try to get him into treatment?
Or is the correct approach to just stay here and try to continue to take the steps towards rebuilding a life for myself.
Hello , not much point in contacting his family they will figure it out sooner or later on thier own. Am sorry you allowed your business to collapse , perhaps u can restart *do it for yourself". Sometimes a whole new start is just what is needed , a new perspective and a new direction often bring the changes we were looking for as long as it is not a geographical cure.
You say u are in recovery yourself , grateful you could hang on to sobriety in this time of stress. I h ope u are attending Al-Anons meetings for youself it will help aproach the disease from an entirely diff perspective . Your worth the effort good luck Louise
I am tremendously sorry that you have to go through this. I can understand being the brunt of the "blame game". This morning I called my boyfriend to let him know he left his trunk open and that he would need to check that. I also said that I did not want to hear any more about it since it is his car, his boot and he left it open. My boyfriend, like your husband, is incredibly adept at blurring the boundary over that somehow I am involved. A friend of mine said to me recently that addicts invite us into their chaos and I have said yes yes and yes and yes some more so many times. Now I set limits, limits, limits, limits and more limits.
I think you are in the normal double bind with any addict where do you draw the line, how do you enable them (I have been at tremendous enabler in my addict's life) and where do I fit in the picture. My own health has really suffered living with the addict. He goes to the hospital and takes care of his health. I do not go to the hospital and take care of my health. He wants me to feel sympathy and compassion for him but he has none for me. So that is imbalanced and I have to correct the balance. In my codepence I keep hoping, praying and willing the addict too and admitteldy he will throw me a crumb every now and again but it is not the caring I deserve or need.
Quite clearly he is not taking care of himself and is on a slow or quick slide downwards. I have caught addicts and alcoholics so many times it is not true but I grew up in a dysfunctional family where I was trained to rescue, enable and put my needs last. My own issue is putting everyone first before me and then blaming them. I am not sure what you need to do to take care of you but it sounds to me like there is a lot to do in terms of emotional health (where's your support system - as a codependent I generally dont' have one) physical health, financial health and more.
I think..... you answered your own question, with your last line....
No point focussing on him, and his addictions.... From your story, I think they have caused you enough grief and despair in your life - no need to add to the totals....
The good news is..... you are alive, you are healthy (or at least, capable of regaining your health), and today is the first day of the rest of your life.... Take care of yourself, and take what you have endured, and use it as a learning experience..... "It is okay to look at your past - just don't stare"
Take care, and I wish you well on your path forward
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I can relate to what you area saying. AND I think that Tom said it all when he said, "It's okay to look at your past, just don't stare". That's one for my fridge! I am in the "enabler's remission" place sort of. My A is my son and he is in jail right now. (Before my A was his dad.....) That's makes it easy for me to recover from the things he has done, cause I am having a wonderful and much deserved BREAK! I wish for anyone here that they could just take a break, step back, WAY back and have a look at the big picture from there. It has helped me tremendoulsy. It has enabled me to focus on ME. (pun intended) Some of that introspection has been painful and I'm not done yet....lol. You hang in here! This is the place you need to get thru these holidays. I have bad days, but on the whole I am getting stronger. hugs, Mamasan (mom to many)
