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My AH is so furious about the divorce that he is employing bullying tactics. I try very hard not to engage in the conversations he starts, but I feel the need to defend myself. I was just reading last night in Getting Them Sober that you should not defend yourself because it makes you look as though you did something wrong.
He knows how to scare me and he is doing just that. He keeps telling me what his lawyer is telling him. I don't even know if he even has a lawyer! He has no money to pay one.
How do I remain calm and sane through all this turmoil? One minute he is going on with the divorce and the next he is telling me I can end the divorce if I could just keep my vows. One second he is telling me I will never like or love him and the next second he is telling me he doesn't want a divorce. Why does he think I would agree to stay with him if he is being such a ugly to me?
He has told me that he has an appointment at a treatment facility tomorrow. We will see....he doesn't want to go and keeps making light of it it he makes a point to tell me he is doing it for the kids and definitely not for me.
Why do I even care anymore? Do I really think I will miss him?
It sounds like "Do not engage" is applicable here. They certainly do anything they can to get us riled up and sucked into the insanity. I know that feeling of wanting to defend myself against crazy charges. But shrugging and leaving the room would probably be a calmer response. Or if he is no longer in the same house, communicate only through your lawyer. Many lawyers recommend this, because divorcing people typically can't have calm conversations. Take good care of yourself. Hugs.
I know how hard this is but these are all control tactics and as long as he gets "feedback" and as long as you get an emotional "charge" the two of you will be engaged in this never ending cycle.
Disengage entirely. Defending yourself will not alter reality. Responding or not responding will not change the course or outcome of events anyway. It takes some time to really learn that complete removal from the emotional ties will not result in some catastrophe.... or in the least it sure doesn't prevent one that's coming anyway - but fight the urge. It's not just him, you are accustomed to this need to engage, it feels normal.
I was there, it took me 2 solid years to learn to disengage fully. He got worse the more I did but in the end, none of his threats or bullying ever came to bear.
Now anytime I need to engage with him (it's 6 years later) I first ask myself "do I really need to communicate this?". If the answer is "No" then I don't. I just did it tonight, ALMOST responded to an email that needed no response... then I just didn't. He's used to me ignoring most of his communications now and he finally quit making a stink about it.
Don't respond to him at all. Remove yourself from the situation - leave the room, the house, make other plans as much as you can. Towards the end I had a friend that would give me a room on Sunday nights and I would go stay there - after my daugther was in bed and he was passed out. She knew how to reach me and I always came home early to get her up and ready for school. I needed that night so badly. I did my best at avoidance while we had to cohabitate. It was the longest 5 months ever! He wasn't around more than he ever was but when he was there it was impossible.
As for defending yourself? Stop doing it. You know he's trying to start with you so get up and walk away. Refuse to do it. That's what I did. Though mine didn't fight me much on the divorce...he actually said he had expected me to leave him 8 years prior. He just became more drunk, angry and mean...in other ways! I spent a lot of time out with our child, up in my room or at my girlfriend's house...
This all sounds so familiar. Personal Experience here:
The advice i keep hearing, when dealing with my very controlling soon to be ex husband- "Respond don't react." I lived with him for 22 years, before I threw him out. He has been out of the house for 3 years, but up until last week, I reacted, not responded. Almost every single phone call, He would try to belittle me, tell me what to do or how to spend my money, or give me a timeline on when he wanted something done around our house. According to him, i am not as perfect as his gf, that he doesn't even really like at the moment. Well, most of our phone conversations (sometimes 10 a day, as he calls me, not the other way around), end up with me screaming, and him hanging up. Many many years ago, I was what Dr. Phil calls a "right fighter". I use to chase him down, when he would try to walk away, because i felt i had to defend myself, and prove i was right. That usually didn't turn out very well either. He constantly threatens to talk to HIS lawyer (even though he makes 4 times what i do, he is more broke than I am), and get custody of our youngest child, who is the only one under the age of 18. I doubt he has a lawyer. Don't really care.
It has been getting worse lately, because he knows his income tax refund is going to come to me for child support arrearage, and that I am getting a large refund. As of last weekend, I have all 4 kids living with me, so he has absolutely NO REASON to ask me for any money. Didn't stop him from trying though. Let me tell you, our phone conversation the other day was very empowering. For the first time in 25 years, I stood up to him, was firm, and I didn't back down. He called and wanted me to open a JOINT account with him, for our grandson. I told him no. He proceeded with reasoning, and was pretty nice about it. Until i told him NO a second time. Then all the threats started, and him saying i don't want what was best for our grandson. I told him he is welcome to open an account for him, and that I will do the same. But there would be no JOINT account. He called me the next day, and said he is not calling me anymore, except for visitation. Hallelujah! I know he won't stick to it, but it has been a day and a half, and he still hasn't called me. I had a whole day, i didn't have to scream, yell, and raise my blood pressure. He did talk to our oldest daughter, and told her to tell me to call him. I WILL NOT be doing that. On the other hand, I didn't call him when i got into an argument with our 19 year old son either. Usually i call him out of habit, just to gripe about him.
So, they say that it takes someone 21 times, of doing something differently, to form a new habit. I have 2 of those times out of my way now, and it feels great! I refuse to let him control me any more. It isn't easy, but it does feel great. Just wanted you to know, we are at about the same place right now. Take anything you like, and leave the rest.
