The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
By way of explanation, I was raised by a family -- neuclear and extended-- of monsters. They are warped and toxic. And, I have assiduousely avoided all contact with them for years. It is always the best strategy to avoid toxic people.
Every year at Christmas time I get a card or telephone call from one of the toxic aunts. She is always sweet as pie. And she uses words very skillfully to cut where they will hurt most. And every year I vow that I will not take her telephone call. And every year I take the wretched call.
So, I spoke with her this evening. And I left that conversation feeling cold, unclean, and nauseous.
And because my a, husband is insecure, he uses this as an opportunity -- when I am emotionally most vulnerable -- to remind me that I am alone in this world and that there is no one but him on this Earth who would "be there for me."
And I must remind myself that a drunk is a drunk. And a drunk is out for himself. And a drunk is manipulative. And he hurts me. And he is NOT there for me.
((((ditto)))) your a has never been more wrong we are all here for you and understand what your going through. im sorry your having a hard time right now but this too shall pass tc.
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stay in the now...dont look forward, dont look back....your life is what you make of it
Ditto, So sorry you are feeling this way, I really relate. It's good you recognize these feelings for what they truly are (the source/disease) You are worth so much. Thank You for sharing. Lots of wishes, Tracey
Definitely not alone Ditto you have all of us here any time you want. Set a boundary with your Aunt on your terms. Maybe you contact her first by means other than telephone that sets the tone of the way you want your relationship with her to be. Luv Leo x
I dunno my boyfriend's family sometimes seems to me like "something" but I stopped going over to see them at Christmas pretty much anytime. I just have to let go of resenting that he does. He can go to the trough and get nothing as you do. I think it is incredibly hard to set boundaries with family because there are all the "what ifs". My elderly aunt really put the kaboosh on a lot of her relationships because she raged and demanded. She had no clue that the way she went about stuff just made people run for the hills Eventualy I quit feeling sorry for her and responsible for her. I after all had to struggle to be responsible to myself.
I don't think you need to beat yourself to death because you took a phone call. I take phone calls I don't much want all the time. I think its okay to fail sometimes. Do you have a permission to fail. I have permission to lose stuff, mess up some in my life. Do you have to be perfect.
I think seeing my boyfriend as the "only" one in my life is a huge issue for me. He would like to remind me that I have no one but him. These days of course I am actively working on setting up a support system for myself. Do you do that? I know my boyfriend does a lot of stuff to sabatage that. He is very subtle about it. He says he feels threatened by my friendships with certain people at work for example. Well there is nothing to feel threatened by since I am merely cordial to them. There are lots of subtle ways that addicts encourage dependency because of course they are desperate to have someone around to be "warden" for them. I just work on my boundaries. And I share less about what I do at work.
Of course I think that my boyfriend isn't actually interested in my work he's interested in me being "there" when he needs me rather than me being a happy person. I also note that. I know if I were out every night at al-anon meetings he would not like it but I would not now share with him where I went and what i did or who I hung out with. I would just say nothing. After all he does not disclose every person who comes into his life. I used to be so jealous of my boyfriends friends, family (can't think why they are a bunch of basket cases) and feel that they took him away from me. When I come to look at it he was never "there" in the first place. Friends, family work doesn't take him away from me he isn't able to be "there" on any meaningful level on any issue, work, family (I grieve a lot about my family) friendships, spirituality, home nothing. The only thing we share is the pets and he wants to do the same stuff with them he does with everything else, not much.
At the age of 18 I was raped inside of my home. From this experience I learned two things. The first was that every single person who I thought was a friend abandoned me. They would not speak to me, they avoided me. The reasons why they did this do not matter. What matters is that they were not there for me in my time of need. The second thing I learned was that I cannot control everything. No matter how safe of an environment I try to create, something bad can happen.
When I was 30 my house was destroyed by a tornado. Friends told me that they were sorry for my loss. Not one person volunteered to provide us with shelter. Not one person volunteered to help us clean up the debris. Not one person called to ask if we needed anything at all. From this experience I relearned two things. The first was that every single person who I thought was a friend abandoned me in my time of need. The second thing I learned was that I cannot control everything. No matter how safe of an enviornment I try to create, something bad can happen.
When I was 40 my husband died suddenly in front of me. In one minute a healthy man was dead. A volunteer at the hospital handed me a list of things to expect. The first item on the list was that friends will avoid a young widow. The list was accurate. From this experience my lessons were renewed. Every single person who I thought was a friend did abandoned me in my time of need and no matter how safe of an enviornment I try to create, something bad will happen.
So, here I am, having weathered 3 tragedies in my life, alone. I do not believe that friends will ever be there for me. I do not think the world is an inherently safe place. And I understand exactly what "alone" means. At times it terrifies me.
But, terror should not be the basis for maintaining a relationship. And, I do not like that he tries to manipulate this fear in order to keep me tied to him.
