The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have sooo many mixed feelings about everything.My life,my mom,my dad,my granparents,my aunts. I just sit and think of all of them,and I get overwhelmed.I cannot determine when I will think of them,it is just random.
I have trouble with people telling me what to do.I am not saying I am a stuck up brat,but sometimes enough is enough. For instance my damn aunt..we will call her jane doe.Well this Jane Doe went snopping through my things on the internet.I don't know when she did it.I was soo furious.I guess she read something about me being a dominatrix.which I was in the past,but that is besides the point.Then she had the nerve to ask me if I knew what that was.I did...I learned too many things when I was younger.I was exposed to stuff no child should be exposed to.She treats me as if I don't know things.Hello...I grew up fast.I was beat I was raped..and so on.She mostly gets me mad when she says "lauren aren't you supposed to be offline?" I only go on this site,and nothing else...I still can't believe things.I am soo tempted to run away.It sounds good,and I know where to go.I know it is only running away from my probs,but I am sick of this.I am not happy,and never will be here.They don't allow me to be who I really am.They just use the method of shove it under the carpet,and it's gone.
I know I am not perfect.Nobody is.We all have our faults.I just get so darn annoyed when my aunt says s*** about me,and am I ok? and yada yada yada. She thinks because of my abuse that I am gullible,and might end up getting preg I suppose.I need to make my own mistakes.I am a good kid..don't get me wrong I am n ot trying to be arrogant.Look at other kids my age..and put them in my shoes.They would have already f'd up by now.I didn't.I am not drinking or doing drugs..or sleeping around,and getting myself preg.Yet I am in the spotlight.
There is only so much a person can take.I have had it...with everyone and everything.I just want to mooooove faaaaaaaaaaaaaar away,and never ever come back.I want to be alone in my own little world.I am in control in my world...and I won't be harmed again.
I am just tired of trying and trying and faling.I might not even graduate.One thing after the other.Ha and let it go and give it to God? BS I have let stuff fall into his hands...Look where I am now.I am supposed to be enjoying life...and having fun..but instead I am held back by all this s***.I wished soo bad that my mom had aborted me,and I wish that my gma didn't intervene when my mom was going to abort me.I would have had a better chance at life,or not.She was also going to adopt me.I told my mom she should have because I would have been better off.
I am soo screwed... Oh well sorry for the long whatever you wanna call it.
lauren
GRrrr I just get so mad at things..mostly myself for being so dumb.I don't know what the hell I want..or where I am going in life.All I know is that I have this weird feeling that does not go away.I cannot explain it.
-- Edited by Lauren ashley at 23:47, 2005-12-27
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~life is like a box of chocolates you never know whatcha gonna get~
(((((lauren)))) everything you are going through sounds very hard to deal with. you are young and still have so much life to live. you will grow and you will find who you are. you are in that very process right now. do you go to a therapist? perhaps you could talk to your doctor about starting anitdepressants if your not already on them. i take them and it helps make everday a little bit easier to deal with. your in my prayers.
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stay in the now...dont look forward, dont look back....your life is what you make of it
Lauren, Though it wasn't right for your Aunt to be snooping, you must realize that learning you were a dominatrix at your young age must have floored her. Sorry, but that's far from the norm and I can certainly understand her concern. Did you really expect no reaction? Or are you more angry that you were found out? We always have to ask ourselves "what is my part in this" ?
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I am dealing with anti authority issues at the moment which stem from my family of origin. My family of orign was intrusive and blurred a lot of boundaries. It is hard to get to the issues and then to look at my own behavior. I find it very very hard not to act out on the anti authority stuff not that I go out and rob banks but sometimes my attitude just is way way off.
Lauren.....my mom still treats me that way and I am 45! You cannot change them. Only the way you respond to it. You are so young and have been through so much. However your life is precious to me. I love you and I need you and I believe in you. This too shall pass. It is never nice to be snooped on. She is probably feeling guilty or worried about you and does not know how to communicate. You are a great communicator and a great person. Hang on sweetie...your life has just begun. Keep coming back!
Okay straight to the point sweetie I for one am glad that your Mum didn't make the choice to not bring you into the world. I would never have been exposed to the beauty that you possess within, your beautiful poetry and your giving nature. The world would be a much poorer place without you in it. If your aunt did look up your things on the internet it is a violation of your privacy and you have a right to feel hurt. I do not look at my boys emails or their msn they are 17 and 20. I have never heard of the term dominatrix but will look it up before I can make a comment on it. Are you still going to your al-anon meetings? Sometimes this time of year with so much family around is overwhelming, try to find your own private space where you live. Ring up and get a sponsor if you don't have one. Today I received my first brochure from al-anon with people's experiences and how al-anon had helped them grow and become stronger. Try to remember too that you are making the transition from adolescence to womanhood and there will be a lot of rebelliousness towards the adults in your life at the moment. Here for you. Luv Leo xx
Lauren after reading your post, I find myself with great concern for you. As a parent myself, I worry about my children although they are grown. Being a teenager is hard enough as it is in this world, but do not give up, your graduation is near, your future is what YOU want to make of it now. Graduate, go to university or college , get a well paying job, then you can do all the things your heart desires, as you "will" be in charge of your own destiny. Have you tried talking to your school councellors about your feelings or your doctor who could help you find the help that you need? I am saying this because sometimes Alanon is not quite enough for some, and other programs will help you in the process of "living" your life to the fullest. Keep busy dont sit and let the thoughts of your past overwhelm you, and start today for making a great and happy future for yourself........................gardengal
I hear where you are coming from, I am in a very similar if not same situation, except I think I am a few years younger, and still happening. It is SO good that you had the time to vent on here you are in the right place. I am here as well as many other people if you need to talk or vent or anything, just keep coming back here, I am new and I do, here for you always,
i wish i had some deep and meaningful advice to offer you to make you feel better but i don't. But i do agree with leo that i'm glad you were born. just remember you have as much right to be alive as anybody else in this world. xx
Yeah I am not happy with my past...I can only look forward now.I know what I did was wrong,but I did it for attention.I didn't know any better.For some reason it actually made me feel in control.
I wanted some sort of revenge against my perpetraors,and since I did not get that...I did something else.I didn't care about my body either.I am crying just thinking about this.I stripped for men,I took pictures...and so on.I didn't respect my body.It is a special temple.I should h ave left it at that,but I did not...
lauren
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~life is like a box of chocolates you never know whatcha gonna get~
You have a right to your anger. You were robbed of your childhood - as you can hear, from people here much older than yourself - you have been exposed to things, most of us either would not experience, or, would be much more mature, before we CHOSE them. That is part of the problem - you have not been allowed to make choices, or, you have had to make them before you had grown enough to make "informed" choices.
All of us have an "inner child", the one we comfort when we afraid - it will be OK - but, I believe, we also have an inner "parent", not necessarily the ones we born with! The one who really really loves us - you can learn to love yourself, listen to that inner, approving, loving "parent", who wants the very best for you.
You are very much loved and appreciated, here, and in the chat room. I love to read your shares, and your poetry. Cut yourself some slack, you have insight many people twice your age have not yet found.
Lots of love,
Flora xxxx
PS Stay away from "da house" !!!!!!! hahaha, did you think I would forget?
I know it is hard but try not to think about your family... try to think of you. Besides running away, would be kind of like them, "sweeping it under the rug."
Take it from one who knows, I ran away four times by the time I was your age. I tried to "talk myself into dancing from 15-18" but I never could bring myself to do it. I knew it would steal my soul. I guess for other ppl, easy money like that, getting over on men, can get you some power back but then the power starts to eat away at you.
I suffered like the "good lil martyr I've always been" feeling like I deserved it. As long as I had those thoughts & expectations, that was the treatment I got.
I can only speak for myself, I have no idea what your life lessons are. You told me you quit that work a while back & I am glad you did. But I relate so much to you, being enraged. God was I an angry kid, stealing money from my mom, going to bars with a fake ID. I did a lot of crazy s***. I just want you to know I'm here for you, anytime you want to talk. I haven't been around on the Board this passed week but you know you can IM me anytime.
Focus on you & eating a little, hang in there, try not to think about them. When I think about my family or even tomorrow, it gets me overwhelmed.
love, -K
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
It is okay to feel the anger and frustration that you do right now. No one can truly understand your feelings without having experienced some of what you have experienced. Now is a wonderful time to do something special for yourself. You have been violated in many ways in your life and your aunt's snooping is another violation in that list. What can you do for yourself that helps you feel safe and protected? You can continue to come here to talk, you can share at your f2f meetings, talk to a therapist if you have one(he/she will give you wonderful techniques to create a safe place within yourself), continue to journal and write your poetry. You are a wonderful young lady with many good experiences to come in your life. The past has shaped you so far. Now you can work on shaping yourself into what you will become. Be good to yourself.
*I remember our PM conversation - please check out some of the resources in your community.
