The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
When i was younger all i ever wanted when i grew up was a "normal" family life!
i grew up with my mother and my grandmother and had a very safe happy upbringing.
i remember reading enid blytons books and dreaming about all the imaginary lives in those fairytales.. the mom and dad, 2 kids and family dog! in my eyes perfection.
well im grown up now... 24, and still living at home. i support my family because they did everything for me when i was growing up. my wages is used to pay my own bills and the majority of the household. i dont mind. its not like i have a social life to use the money for.
when i met my "A" nearly 2 yrs ago i was the happiest girl alive. we fitted together sooo well. i had never gotten on well with any guys really... ya i chatted and had a laugh but i never connected with anyone my whole life...any males anyway. it was because of being brought up in an all femlae household. i never was used to being around men. my mother wasnt the kind to go out and bring guys home. i was raised to respect myself and others.
i was known as the quiet nerdy girl in school...but i used to make a few people laugh so at least i wasnt bullied thank god. i never did fit in though...they always had the money to buy the cool clothes, go to discos, etc.... that wasnt my life. i used to hear my mom crying at night in her bedroom about the bills and about never having enough money for me to keep up with the others in school. i remember hating the situation but i never blamed her. it wasnt her fault. my so caled father was a total waste of space so she extracted herself from the situation so i wouldnt have to be around all that sort of behaviour. i cant help but feel abondoned by him. i remember thinking i wasnt enough to make him stay.
when my "A" and i were together he had been sober for over 17 mths..... then we were together a year and 3 mths b4 he drank..and thats coz his scumbag mates came back on the scene and we started fighting over them ringing and texting and calling him. my family adored my "A" they used to treat him like one of the family. then when disaster struck....it was like my whole life fell apart.
when he started partying and hanging out with the wrong crowd...i couldnt cope.... i couldnt sleep, anything i ate...just came back up.... i was anxious, depressed, afraid...of being alone.... everything!
i left him and the situation coz i would have ended up in hospital. i remeber thinking..."the trust is gone..we have nothing" . i believe that he never really loved me....how could he when he could hurt me that much. i think it opened a full can of whoopass... coz now im just LOST!
totally and utterly lost. i kept thinking...no wonder he went back drinking... i wasnt enough to make my father stay so how could i be enough to make my "A" stay..make him happy. i love him with all my heart and soul and it breaks my heart to be away from him...but it would break my heart to be with him too. even though he is sober now... another drink or another girl could be around the corner.
he is a gorgeous guy, funny, intelligent and an excellent talented creative person. and in truth he can get any girl he wants. anytime.
im not enough for him. im nothing special. im too plain for him. too boring...too predictable. i dont "scream excitement" im not what he was used to.
when he was drinking he had fast cars, fast women..etc.... thats not my life. he just got sick of ours. it was too normal for him.
i cant imagine we used to lie in bed 2gether in the mornings...or late at night planning our future...our hopes and dreams...family kids...opening our own business etc... now i dont have any of that...or him!
my whole life has fallen apart and i dont know who i am anymore. my whole life was my "A" and our plans. i wont ever love another guy the way i love him...its not possible. i dont trust anyone. they are all liars..they all let you down...time and time again....
thats why its better to be on your own....then no one can hurt you. then you wont be wondering when the next bad turn will be, when "he" goes out...you wont be wondering where hes gone and with who?
i know its not a healthy place to be...not a healthy view to take on life...but its the way i feel. how can i ever have a family....when i wont ever be able to trust any guy... i dont want to give kids a single parent family.... its not fair on them...its selfish of me to want kids so i wont be alone in life. i couldnt do that. im going to miss out on alot.
when i was sitting at a xmas family gathering yesterday and today..i sat looking around at all my relatives kissing hugging, laughing and joking.... couples glancing lovingly at each other while feeding the kids... they having their own secure family unit. im never going to have that. and that makes me incredibly sad....that the one thing i always wanted...im never going to get!
i used to be sooo happy with my sober "A" thinking this is it...its finally my turn to be happy and have all the things that mattered in life.... family..love...not money.
now im empty, alone.....and full of sadness. i used to believe he loved me for myself.... no guy ever done taht before...thats why i went out with my "A".. he made me feel like a princess. he showed me how to love... and eventually he broke my heart too. my heart has never felt such pain.
thanks for listening. if i didnt have you guys in my life...i would feel no one understood.
I am stunned by what you wrote. I really couldnt have written it any better - you and I are living the same life it seems. We both understand those wonderful men who we were so blessed to get to see - are still somewhere beneath this disease. But please keep reminding yourself that you ARE good enough - good enough that he wanted YOU to see that person he was and tried to continue to be that person. I could say that you are good enough to find someone who is going to treat you even better - but I am sure you have heard that from everyone - and it doesnt erase the wonderful memories you have of lying in bed in the morning together having those dreams of the future. Everyday I TRY to remind myself that my ex let me see a person in him that he never showed to anyone else. That he walked around in a cloud of happiness for months on end because of how I made him feel. That he would still get butterflies in his stomach waiting to see me - even the last day he saw me he felt that way. That he would leave me voicemails in the middle of the night when he knew I was sleeping telling me how lucky he was to have me - and how I inspire him to really be this wonderful person and how much he likes the person he is with me. But no matter how hard he could try to be that person while he is doing drugs - he will always be controlled by the drugs. The drugs will always win. And you and I chose NOT to be 2nd on the totem pole of priorities to drugs. A hard choice - but one that makes both of us important to OURSELVES.
Rebecca - in the last two months of my life - I have found more peace, more strength, more things I enjoy doing, picked up my life - in addition to that you know about the other good stuff in my life that has been happening. But also the little things I now notice I have time for make me smile - like spending a little more time talking to a swimmer after practice when I wouldnt have had that time in the past because I was running out the door to go be with my ex; holding a door open for someone and having them appreciate it; taking the time to just hang out with my friends until the late hours of the night when I dont have to worry about talking to him on the phone and listen to some crisis; ice skating with my swimmers today and just having FUN being silly without worrying about my phone ringing and missing his call; giving a christmas gift to someone I dont even know because I know they needed it. Not that I wouldnt have done these things if I were with him - but I do know that my whole life was about him - but not in bad ways just that he was in my head morning, noon and night - and he felt the same way. I would give anything to have THAT person back - but I dont want to be spending MY precious time worrying about what drugs he is doing or if he might lie to me.
I think the time I am spending with myself right now - is time to learn to split or balance my life appropriately. Learn to be good to myself and make sure I dont give ALL my free time (which is so little) to someone else. I ALWAYS did that because it made me feel good - and that wasnt smart. When I first started dating him - I had a busy social life and went out with friends and coworkers every night - he stayed at home. When it got more serious - I found myself not going out with friends as much or leaving earlier to spend time on the phone with him because I missed him. I gave up MY life for him and ended up losing myself.
Rebecca - I completely agree with you that I dont think I will ever love someone again RIGHT NOW. It is too painful to know that I could have that vulnerability again to have my heart destroyed and I would rather not put myself out there and just be good to myself. But chances are - since the percentage of people married is pretty high - that you and I WILL find another person to love again. It will be hard - we will be seriously guarded - we loved HARD and we lost HARD...but there really is hope for us in the future.
I found many ways to treat myself well everyday - some are hard for me to do. I bought myself a 300.00 Ipod today and did not feel justified in buying it because it was expensive and I dont spend that kind of money on myself. But I did it anyway and hopefully I will enjoy it! Life is good if you make it that way - and if you look at those families on Christmas and feel sad because they have their own unit - remember US, remember that we alanoners are our own unit. We take care of each other and love each other - and I have never even seen you in person!!
I just read your post and I have to say, it was so honest and exactly how I have felt throughout my relationship with my A. I married him three years ago and met him five years ago. He was popualr with guys and girls, the life of the party and everyone treated me like the mayor's wife when I was with him. Coming from a family of women myself, and having a father who left when I was nine (many years ago I healed that relationship and it is very good now)...I hadn't been around a man like that ever. I had had friends growing up, but wasn't the most popular girl, I had boyfriends but no one like him. We had a great time together, sometimes too good.....there were always "hotter" girls around...but in the beginning i seemed to totally hold his attention.
After a while I realized, like you, that I didn't want that lifestyle. I realized that he had a definite problem and that I wanted a "normal" life. I fought it. I blamed his friends, fought with tme, fought with his family. It isn't their fault but I blamed them anyway. I made ultimatums. He conceded at first, getting sober in the beginning so that I would marry him. That didn't last long and he had his first drink at our wedding. It was a great wedding, we had a fantastic time as did all of our guests...it was the talk of the town. Coming back from our honeymoom it didn't take long for things to get progressively worse....he cheated, drank and did drugs....I felt again like I wasn't good enough. He got sober again...this time it stuck for about 1 1/2. This past year has been full of drugs and women and in August I had had enough and kicked him out.
Since then I have realized alot. I have realized that it is NOT me. I am good enough. I am pretty enough. I am sexy enough. The problem remains inside my A. Whether it be drugs or women he is filling up the emptiness he feels inside. It is not an excuse for treating me badly, but for so long I tried to control things so that he wouldn't be with someone else....well, if he is not sober he will only cause heartache to the next woman, no matter how attractive she is.
I am working on me now. Trying to find why I felt so badly about myself for so long that i allowed myself to be treated that way. My A entered a detox last week and I don't know where it is going for him. I know that I deserve better. No matter who it is from, but mostly, it needs to be from me.
wow... all three of the above posts describe my exact feelings as well. so cant we all see that the thing these men have in common is the horrible disease of addiction. it is not us because all four of us are completly different and unique women who all have the exact emotions as one another and were all treated in the same way. so it definatly cant be us. i too find it so hard to believe i could ever be happy again or with someone else, but you know what? i know i will someday again just not anytime soon because im not ready for that. im ready for me. i will not cover up my addiction to this man with another man i will deal with all the hardships pain and withdrawls and start my life anew. when i can truly love myself, i can truely love another.
your sister in recovery
notsonew
ps im saving this entire page to remind me im not alone
-- Edited by notsonew1111 at 19:47, 2005-12-27
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stay in the now...dont look forward, dont look back....your life is what you make of it
when I met my boyfriend which is 5 years ago he could not do enough for me and was always doing lots of thoughtful stuff. I think I conjured up this illusion that he was "there". I do think he very very much cares for me but I am not sure he knows how to "care" since he comes from this incredibly dysfunctional mother and father. His brother spends most of his time smoking dope or watching films and has these relationships that he has to keep outside of his home because his mother lives there so he is not allowed to have anyone visit. So basically if he is home he has to be holed up in his bedroom. I used to imagine that my boyfriend was "there" and then stopped being there and it was somehow on me that he wasn't. Of course he says that. Its always "me" after all.
Now I think about it in times of sickness, in times of strain, stress, difficult decisions he was never really "there" after all. I came to that after really going through terrible times about how he abandoned me on so many levels. But his wanting me was this setting me up to be a certain role for him rescuer, enabler whatever. It wasn't for what is best for me its what is best for him (so he can carry on using and being in chaos whatever). I let abandonment issues rule my life so the most important thing was that he not abandon me not that he take care of himself, none of that simply don't abandon me. And he didn't because after all I'm willing to be warden, rescuer, enabler as long as he doesn't "abandon" me. But recently I got to thinking that even the abandonment is part of a fiction for me because he was never "there" in the first place.
