The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
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..... trying to get throu this xmas was the worst ever! trying to pretend i was happy and carefree when my mind was going round in circles. all i kept thinking was how different last xmas was.
..when my then boyf. arrived on xmas night at 8 after telling me he was staying at home for xmas..then spending the night laughng, joking and wrapped up together in bed all cosy dreaming of where we would be this year......
.........well... we arent even together now, i spent xmas night alone tucked up in bed... cuddling my pillow. listening to the happy drunken laughing couples walking home outside my window.
i hate my life right now, hate the fact that i cant control anything.
got a call from my "A" tonite...from a bar.. so i hung up!
he seems to be coping just fine with the whole thing.
im depressed off my head and hes out in a bar enjoying himself.
i tried to move on.... i am trying to forget the past...but it is IMPOSSIBLE!!!!!
You are in a better place - one filled with support and people who understand YOU and what the disease of alcoholism does to the people who love the A. I know how you feel - I know how lonely you felt. I was right there with you - although I did not let anyone see it.
(((rebecca))) i know exactly how you feel. last year my a and i were newly happily engaged. had a wonderful christmas with lots of love. this year completly different. i speant xmas alone as well. basically stayed in the chatroom for two days straight. i asked my a to leave on the 23rd. i need to get myself together. at first it didnt seem like he cared either but then i came to see he is just dealing with it in the ways he knows how. drinking and being angry. but i on the other hand am dealing with everything in a healthier manner. crying as much as i need to. writing all my thoughts and feelings down. really getting to know myself and what i truely want for myself. my life is about me. i cant control my a but can control myself. it does hurt so bad and i do miss him so much but know this is the right thing to do for now. tc of myself. in a perfect world this disease wouldnt exist. but that just isnt reality. my prayers are with you tc.
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stay in the now...dont look forward, dont look back....your life is what you make of it
Rebecca, I'm so sorry to hear how sad you are. I've had a Christmas or two where I was alone and depressed. I know everyone tells you this, but it will get better. Everything gets better with time so if you can hold out for awhile, the pain will diminish. Time is one of the only things that have helped me through. Good luck and if you want, you can email me anytime.
I know it seems like he was enjoying himself, but from what I've learned from going to open aa meetings with my a, they are drinking to escape the torment going on in their own lives, the stuff that they are afraid to face. So they drink to drown the sadness, anger, hurt that they are afraid to feel. You did the right thing by posting your feelings. I hope you go to f2f alanon meetings - they really do help me deal with my feelings toward my a (although he is sober now for 20 months, I still have those old feelings and doubts.) Please keep coming to chat and keep posting on the board. We are here to listen and to offer encourage and support. If you want to talk, feel free to send me a private message.
My esh on this issue is that part of my addiction to my boyfriend was this this big rescue fantasy. My own fantasy of being rescued and then my fantasy of his rescuing me. The fantasy eventually became far bigger than the relationship. I have "merged" with my boyfriend many many times and can believe that he does care about me. At the same time his behavior is all mixed up with his substance abuse and his inability to have mature behaviors. I have my own incredibly immature behaviors (anger, frustration and more). I am willing to work on mine now because I have hit bottom so many times on trying to control him and being obsessed about how much I resent the effect of his actions on me.
you can do this, you are so much more stronger than that, just keep telling yourself that. You can not change the ways of your A. But you can change you, and make YOU better. You are in the right place, here I mean, there is a TON of support and love here, I mean I have just found this site, and I cant not tell you how much it has helped... I am here if you ever need to talk.
