Christmas day was not as bad as I had thougth it would be. We got up and went to sunrise service and then came home and opened some gifts. My sister in law made a special trip to come up to give me a gift even though I would be seeing her later and we do secret santa with my in-laws, she had bought the gift just to buy me something I have been wanting. Then I took my sons to see my husband in the hospital. We had a short but nice visit, they were able to give him presents that we had bought for him. He even had some how made arrangements to have a gift for me, a gift certificate for a day spa. From there we went to my father in law's for dinner, it was a quick dinner, I picked up my step daughter and brought her along. It is a strained relationship with her, but her brothers we excited to see her. Home, a movie and bed and then the day was finally over.

Today I talked to my husband about the refinancing of the house. I had received quite a negative reaction last week when we had the discussion so I chose not to discuss it over the weekend. The appointment is tomorrow. He was more agreeable today. Who knows what tomorrow will bring. I' ll have to wait and see. I think he is going to be discharged tomorrow and still is saying that he does not want to go into a n inpatient program. I can only tell him how I feel about it and why. No anger, just what I genuinely feel is in his best interest. I calmly told him how I felt, he listened and did not become angry. But.... I think that he thinks I have changed my mind about him coming home and I have not. Treatment or not, I need to not be along for the ride this time. I cannot continue on this roller coaster of a life that I have been on the last two years. He needs to get it together on his own and come back to the house when he is ready to be a contributing member of this household, emotionally, financially, physically. Honestly I do not think he gets that. I do not know how to get him to understand where i am coming from.

Last Thursday was quite an ugly day, as he thought he was going to be discharged on Friday and the inevitable, that he could not come home, was making him very angry. Then the test came back and the lithium levels were not up enough. The long weekend and then they will run the test tomorrow. I am very anxious about it. I know the levels are up and he will be discharged. I know he thinks I am going to change my mind, be manipulated. I am not and it is going to be damn hard!!! I love this man with all my heart and it breaks my heart to see what he is going through, but.... more than my heart has been breaking and I need more right now. I need him to be more stable in a program, I need to not have to worry, not question, not think I am going crazy every day. Not live with lies and deception in my face. In order to do that, he cannot be here. He needs to do it on his own. I wonder if I have convinced myself At least by writing this I can go back and read it to remind myself where I was at 4:20 pm on Monday 12/26/2005... just in case I start to lose it again.


Well, I think I can follow through, God I hope so...

Scared,

Lynn