The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My Christmas went surprisingly well but today I am going to possibly mess that up. I am going to my aunt’s house and my cousin, who abused me for many years, will be there. I want to go to see some of my cousins however I know from my child within there is a lot of fear about going. Last weekend, I had new flashbacks about different abuse, from the same cousin, that took place at my aunt’s house at Christmas. These new flashbacks hit me really hard.
I want to go since I want to prove to myself that HE cannot still control me. My confronting him 1 ½ years ago was the start of my strength… which lead to me asking my A to leave the house… and for that I am grateful.
I am not sure if I am going because I want to prove that I am still in control. I know I have choices not to go but I would like so see some of the other people. If I don’t go, I am once more allowing HIM to hurt and control me.
I would be ok going if that darned ‘child within’ would be quiet and calm down. It is causing doubt in my mind as to go or not go.
I am going to ask my HP to give me strength.
Any suggestions of how to take care of me while I am there. I know I must keep my attitude positive. Calming my inner child is the hard part for me right now.
Maybe give yourself an out - that is, make sure that you can leave gracefully if you are having trouble. An emotionally frought situation like this is not the time to be depending on someone else for a ride, for instance. I find I have good success in dealing with that agitated anxious feeling that some situations bring up by removing myself slightly - if things are getting too tense with the adults, go talk to or play with one of the kids, or wash some dishes, go for a short walk (a dog is a great excuse here), even just going to the bathroom and washing my face, taking a few minutes, can work. Keep in mind, too, that YOU have nothing to reproach yourself with. This person has abused you, and you have survived. You are getting healthy, and are not harming anybody. You are the victor here.
I think when I am often in abuse processing mode I am in the mow through it stuff. I do not have to complete all this stuff in a day. I can wait to confront/deal with certain persons.
I also have a sense of what my triggers are now how to manage them, how to avoid triggering them and more. I think that took me a long long time. Personally I am having my own flashbacks of abuse. I was raped as a teenager and now just looking at it. I am making space to look at it and then put it down. I think when I am in ptsd mode I think I am immune to anymore pain. Assessing what I can look at, how much, when, how and who with is so so key.
Sandie - something i always do is find a couple of pieces of literature - pamphlets - that I call fold up in my pocket. then when things get stressful i retreat to the bathroom or go for a walk and read them. sometimes i also write the first letters of a slogan on my hand and open up my hand and remind myself of it if i need it. and, i try to carry the phone number of someone i can call if i need to. best of luck. - Kristen
if it were me, i would first do a step 4..."why do i really want to go???" to prove something??? (don't need to) to see people i love???? if it is the latter, than i go, HOWEVER i have an out if things get hairy....my own car.....and like someone said, if things w/adults get kinda dicey, than play with the kids....go outside and look at their xmas decorations if they have them, or just glance around at neighbors......a DISTRACTION if nerves get out of hand.......talk to my inner child, assure her that ALL IS OK....so and so can't hurt us...just good positive self talk......you are in recovery..that makes U the winner......who cares a rat's butt about him??? let him do his thing...i do mine and he isn't even there!!! but like i said, i would want an out if i needed one........old triggers can be powerful...i have an older brother who totally thinks i am a liar about my abuse...he wrote me a hate letter when i went to court and got my perp's last name OFF me...i totally erased his name from me....so i got slammed by the older brother who is in denial.....i wrote him back telling him that i was NOT seeking his approval, and that i was going to take care of me no matter WHAT...as long as i am not hurting another??? he can get over it!!!! and than i told him his letters / or any phone calls would not be accepted...........my sister, i heard last week really had a talk with him about it...she backed me up 100% so that made me feel good........
U have a good time IF you really really want to go see the others, why let mr. abuser spoil it for you????? peace/ rosie
