Great!  You sound so good about the kids!  I wish I was that cool headed.  I am still reacting to the dysfunctional crapola of the holiday.  My A told me I was deserting him because I had to drop my daughter at her father's house and I did not want him to go with me.  When I got back he had taken some of his gifts and left.  He forgot his glasses and he is acting like he will never see me again.  I resent his all about me attitude.

I put down a boundary of him not going with me.  But I did not stay calm enough.  I reacted to the deserting him remark...he said it would not be the first time and I said it won't be the last either.  I have a 80 yr old mother and a 4 yr old daughter to care for.  He has a cat.  I resent his not understanding my responsibilities.  I resent him not allowing me to be me!  I am quite resentful today.  Next time I will be calmer and just reinforce my boundary.  Thanks for sharing and keep up the good work!

 

Julia

 

Ahhh... stepkids and resentments... how well I know about those, haha.  It's really hard sometimes adjusting to a blended family - throw in this disease that affects everyone and it gets even harder.  I have 2 stepdaughters, 21 and 17.  The 21 year old has a 3 year old son.  She has been living with us for 2 years.  Her sister moved in with us this past October.  We also have my 4 kids, 23, 19, 16, and 14.  My 19 year old just left for boot camp last month.  Out of all the kids, he was the one I could count on to really help out around the house without giving me any attitude.  Figures he'd be the first to leave home, huh? 

Anyway, what I've observed in our family... my A hubby had a lot of guilt over not being there for his kids.  Mind you, he always sent his child support and extra $ any time they wanted or needed something.  He always called them, almost every day - I doubt there's been a single week when he hasn't talked with them.  He had them come visit whenever their mom would allow it, and he'd visit there when he could.  So where this guilt comes from, well all I can think is it has to be from things said.  Of course his ex has nothing but bad to say about him and said it in front of the girls.  This woman is full of A behaviors and attitudes - I can see those in her girls too.  And of course I am the evil "other woman" (I met him years after their divorce) who doesn't want him doing anything for his kids (huh?), etc., etc. 

Hubby really is a good father.  His one fault would be inconsistency, too strict sometimes and too lax other times - but then I can be that same way myself at times.  It's something I'm working on to change in myself.  Naturally I see it so clearly in him because I have it in me too.  I get angry a lot at things done/not done around here.  I lose sight of the fact that these girls have been affected also.  I lose sight of the fact that even though they are close to being "adults", their emotional maturity is still in the teenage stage.  I lose sight of the fact that they were raised by a woman with no recovery, whose idea of settling a disagreement was to be the one who yelled the loudest and said the most vile thing (this told to me by the younger girl).  Everything always had to be a crisis, a drama, someone else's fault.

I lose sight of the one Al-Anon tool that has always helped me in dealing with the girls - Detachment With Love.  The last time I had to find acceptance of things (the older girl had moved out for a month and then her dad told her she could come back), I went thru this period of grieving - the anger, the denial, the grief - I ranted and raved in chat "what am I going to do? how am I going to cope again?"  It was suggested I read several different things in our literature.  Finally one day I made the comment, "ok, I just have to accept her and grandson unconditionally, love them and be a part of their life" and someone replied, "yes, kis, thats Detachment with Love".  Lightbulb moment.

Thursday the 22nd we had an "incident" here.  Oldest girl flung some words at me that were truly unacceptable.  Hubby was gone at a job orientation and not due home until the next day.  What she had to say, and mostly the whole attitude behind it, got me into the "you need to move out of MY house" thinking and I voiced that.  Hubby came home and talked with her, for the first time he saw the same attitude out of her, and he said to me that yes, if she didn't change that attitude she needed to leave.  There was a lot of anger all around on everyone's part, I still needed to go xmas shopping and was ready to just cancel it all.  I had bought her something already and was thinking of giving it to one of the other girls instead.  Well, hubby and I did the rest of the shopping on Saturday.  While we were gone my oldest son called to say she had gotten angry at him (over a very stupid thing) and hit him, so he left and went to my mom's.  Hubby called and talked to her (at one point she said "I'm just going to kill myself!"), ah the drama making.... anyway, we got our shopping done and came home and her and son were getting along just fine by then.  (She had gone up to where her younger sister works to talk to her and the younger one said "you're being Stupid! just go home and chill") 

My mother was due to have dinner with us Christmas day.  Mom told me as we picked up the turkey from her house after shopping, that she didn't want to come over if there was going to be all the drama and stuff.  I told hubby.  He said call her back and tell her to come.  I called her, told her everything had settled down and please come.  I wrapped up what I had bought the older girl and labeled it for her.  I decided I was not going to be a part of the unpleasantness, that I was going to be nice, that Christmas would not be ruined by any attitude of MY own.  Christmas eve passed by nicely.  Boy, was I tired though!  Christmas day... everyone got along just fine, hubby made sure kids helped clean up before dinner time, mom came over and we had a nice dinner. 

How easily things could have gone differently if I had still been hanging onto my own anger and resentments.  It's not easy, but I have to admit that it is better when I just do my own part in keeping calm and not reacting.  I'm not perfect so there are times I fail to do this.  But at least now I am aware of what does and doesn't help and I can choose which way I want ME to be.  I did notice that when I made the choice of not reacting, how much better I felt, not just emotionally but physically.  But again, there are times I lose sight of that and I react and rant and rave.  Progress not perfection... I just gotta keep working on it.  The only thing I can change is me.

I think a lot of this has to do with my step son's being so spoiled. I think their mother always buys gifts for them to give to their dad and this year she didn't. When my husband and I first married, I jumped right on the "enabling" band wagon trying to do things for my step kids and getting slapped in the face.

My husband still enables the hell out of his kids when he can, they don't call so much anymore so he doesn't have the opportunity like he did. I don't. my step son said he had a washer and dryer to sell, he also said if I could get $200 for it I could give him $150. I said ok, I told my husband that I would be taking a commission no matter what I sold the washer/dryer for. I don't do anything for free for step sons anymore and by the way this would be some work. My husband said forget it. So, I did.

Maybe and just maybe, if my step sons come over next year and there are no gifts, maybe they will get it, who knows?

my older step son's bday is thursday. He did not call or come over for my husbands and his brothers bday, he did not call on my bday. So, I won't be here Thursday nor will I buy gifts do anything. I get tired of doing for everyone else and nothing for me. This year I stopped doing.

I got tons of hugs from my son who is 10 years old and lots of I love you's, that was great.

 

Not acting on resentments is very very hard. One thing I have found good to neutralize them is to work on meditations. I do the one thing at a time meditation. I do the spending time in nature meditation and I walk my dogs which is a source of joy and letting go for me. My dogs find ways to lose their leads, collars, something each week, get dirty, get stuck behind fences where they should not be in the first place. And I can practice letting go with them so I can let go on other issues.

 

Maresie.

robin>>>>>>>Next year my son will be with his dad, when my step sons call to say they are coming over, I am leaving and going to do something nice for me, go to a movie, go for a walk in the park, something for me so I don't have to feel resentful. I don't know what they are trying to prove by showing up with no gifts, I can't wait until they ask me to do their tax returns this year NOT. I am angry, sad and resentful but I don't have to act on it, I have to take care of me.

 

rosie>>>>>>>> expecting jerks to be gentlemen is a resentment in the making right there...like my expecting my oldest brother who is a TOTAL reject to treat me nice.....i dont' expect him to do anything but be what he is and what do i do???  i cut him off....don't take his calls...don't read his hate letters....if i have something i NEED to say (re: estate) i tell my sister who relays it to him...but basically there is no need to talk with him,  the last of our checks is after the new years  and that is it....so i take care of me......you did good deciding to go out when they come again......who needs it???   i just say  "god bless"  and i take care of me/  leave the junk behind!!!   i know its hard NOT to feel resentful, i have a RIGHT to expect someone to treat me with respect   but for me to expect someone to do what is right by me when i KNOW they are a turd, is setting ME up for more  resentment.....i give him to his higher power in prayer, and i just ask that god take care of him and his hate for me.............

i am glad you did not ACT on the resentment but took care of you.....this recovery stuff works if ya work it hey?????   gr8 job!!!!    your friend in recovery/ rosie