The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am Jewish & my wife (qualifier) has celebrated Xmas her entire life. When her folks were still alive we would visit with our young kids & gourge on opening presents. This is how most of our family xmas's have also been. This year we discussed & agreed on limits, but I didn't do much of the childrens shopping. My son just 13 wanted something I didn't think was appropiate and we agreed he would not get it, it snowed early here and he agreed that a any early gift that he could use in snow play would be the best substitue. Then my wife over spent on our young daughter & she had more gifts to open. Now of course my son is dissapointed having already received & used his Xmas gift. He shared his dissapointment with some tears shed & asked we buy him what he really wanted in the first place. I had some muted disscussion with my wife, she wants to buy what he wants & fix his sadness & I disagreed. She made some contray opinions in front of my son so now I've thrown in the towel. I'm angry with my wife & also my son for he really just wants things on his terms only. (he really seems into imediate gratification & this concerns me what will he want next Xmas or next week!)
As I write this this seems so petty but I'm so unhappy. I find my self isolating & not be part of this Xmas. I know I need to be their for my kids but my suppressed anger & sadness is very obvious, but boy am I confused I want out of this pitty pot. I found a meeting tonight & that should help. I would like some sharing & meditation sugestions on this.
Alan, I don't really have much useful to share, just sending good thoughts and wishes your way. I'm glad that you found a meeting for tonight. I too am in a situation where I don't always agree with the inappropriate choices for the children. My eldest daughter has severe learning disabilities and often approves things for my teen grandchildren such as x-rated video games etc. that I think are just bad for them. I'm only the grandma, though, and after years of struggling with 'should I offer my opinion? should I not say anything?' I figure the kids are old enough now (14 & 15) and I am in Al-Anon, so I am trying hard to keep my mouth shut. I'm still struggling to turn them over to their HP and to tell myself that I don't necessarily know what's best for everybody. It's hard.
I had a realization the other day tho, as a parent I have to teach my children how to handle dissappointment. My kids are always comparing and we tried to break our backs making things fair for them. Then one day it just came to me that I can't do that. I value gratitude, and really want to teach them how to deal with dissappointment. If I do that, then they will start (hopefully) to see that life is not fair, but it is not shitty.
Since I adopted that, things with my kids are alot easier. I have to tell my husband that we discussed this, and we want to teach them how to handle dissappointment. We don't set it up so that they are dissappointed all the time, we just don't go and try to fix it when they do feel that way.
I am now going outside on the deck to read my novel and drink some coffee. My alcoholic husband bought me a few pints of beer that he consumed over the last few weeks for himself, so I had very little under the tree this year, but you know what, that is less for me to put away.
I don't think there are many of us who don't second-guess what we get our kids for Chrismtas. After all, we want them to be happy. I agree with you that having disappointment once in a while teaches us more about life than any "expensive gadget" could. My 11 year old wanted a PSP (too expensive). In the end he was thrilled with his music CD and an MP3 player (on half-price..but sadly is defective and has to go back in the next day or two....hmmm a lesson in patience coming I see). I remember being disappointed as a kid not getting what I want, but life is full of disappointments, big and small, and if we don't learn how to cope with them as children, then what kind of adults do we become?
Wow Alan, I very much understand. My wife is also my A. Things like this are the norm in my house. She is the proponent of immidiate gratification while I'm the side of growth thru structure and limits. Yeah, I get thrown under the bus all the time in the parenting area.
It's a fine line that I walk between trying to control everything and diciplining where I can. I am learning w/ the program that I have choices and a voice. I might not always get my way, but that doesn't mean I have to go along with it.
Often I'll cave to forgo disagreements, discussions, to keep peace and harmony. This only breeds those resentments for me. As I work more program, I'm learning that I'm upset with myself if not more than those around me because I chose to cave in. And I lash out at everyone but me. I keep the serenity prayer in my mind for these situations, and try to only control those things I can, w/ God given wisdom. It's a tough spot to be in, especially in parental situations.
I can relate to the supressed anger and sadness being obvious and visible. I went to my Sister In Laws for Thanksgiving and my one daughter asked me, "How come you can be happy, laugh and smile here, but you can't at home." Ouch that hit home.
I'm glad you were able to find a meeting. Keep working it.
Bob
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You are a perfect child of God and God and I love you just the way you are! (added by me...in that special alanon way)
Alan: I think one of the issues I will be working on in January will be my chronic over giving to others which often leaves me feeling tremendously depleted. Lately I have been admitting to and attending to feeling totally drained by lots of issues. My boyfriend has had not one but two life threatening diseases, I have dealt with recession and other issues too. I have also dealt with feeling tremendously depressed ands lots of trauma. So I have to work on ways to give to me without going overboard. I know I tend to think in all or nothing terms because of my childhood but I think if I can and do seek balance I will not finding myself falling down in fatigue and sadness so much. I think some of that is in being able to have avenues where I can feel honest. I have had to give up on the present issues with my boyfriend. For us it became tremendously loaded, full of resentment and rage. So I had to take a step back and look at it and it has been painful to get to that I chronically over give then seethe in resentment.
Then I rescue too and then seethe in resentment. I would like to make it all others but of course I play a huge part in it. I think long life time patterns for me are very very difficult to grieve.
