The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
i had a nice nap but woke up and realized that my situation is real. im here alone on friggin xmas eve. all family members on my a's side have been phoning here and showing up here to drop off presents. i havent said anything yet that he isnt here anymore. im feeling very lonely right now. i tried to call my friend but think she is out of town but i dont really want to see anyone anyways. my a is out running around with his mom having a grand time like this doesnt even effect him. how can he not care and why do i? i wish he was the one hurting and not me. i would like to have a xmas dinner here for myself but im not much of a cook. it makes me more sad that i will probably havd kraft dinner. im just feeling sorry for myself. this just hurts. but in the end i did it to myself. i knew he would screw up again and i still stayed. i believed the lies he told. just needing to vent
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stay in the now...dont look forward, dont look back....your life is what you make of it
Sorry you going through this, it would be hard at any time of the year, but, right now, with all the happy families, perfect Christmas images around, we can feel really down.
I have always, since I grew up! - found Christmas a stressful time - I think it something to do with the advertising, there is a subtle message out there that by doing things, buying stuff, even when we cant afford it, that just gets to me.
This year, I have been patting myself on the back, have really tried to keep it simple etc., however, still found myself in supermarket today - purse at home, sigh, bus ride back and start again. At my f2f, last night, it was packed - many people feel the pressure at this time of year.
Tomorrow, I have a schedule - I may not keep to it! Going swimming with friends early in the morning, walking dog..... little rest......daughter's in afternoon for lunch - that is good, I can leave when I like! Also, I have a puzzle book, and a little sewing package, my Christmas pressies to me - when/if I feel like it, can do one of them.
A very dear friend of mine, who told me about this site, actually found it through surfing the net on Christmas day some years ago.... her hubby was passed out drunk in the living room.
There will be people here, tomorrow... please try to visit. I am not a churchgoer, but, I know, if I needed to, I could get to a service. Also, I love to walk, so, I make sure I get out with the dog for an hour or so.
It is just one day, Notsonew, maybe if you have a schedule, it will help you break it down into manageable bits.
Just remember, you have many friends here, in alanon, who love and care for you, so... if the going gets tough, reach out.
Lots of love,
Flora xxxx
PS I know what you mean about Kraft dinners - actually, I quite like them, but, on Christmas day, it seems like a statement - it is all in our heads!!!!
I totally get where you are. My a husband is at our house with our son and his parents cooking up a feast. Granted I didn't want to be there. There just isn't anywhere I want to be. I'm forcing myself to church tonight (haven't been in years) and then to my brothers. I spent most of the day sleeping and probably could continue with that but I know it's not good for me!
So off to church I go.
Try to do something to get yourself out even just for a walk.
Hey, if all else fails, go down to your local Mission, and volunteer to help cook or prepare Christmas dinner for the less fortunate.... You'll be amazed how great that can make you feel....
It's all about perspectives sometimes...
Take care, and have a special Christmas
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I don't know how big the place you live is, but if it's any size at all , you may be able to find a meeting tonight - if you can. try to go, it really will help. Even if there is no alanon meeting, I bet there's an open (meaning alanon are welcome) AA meeting tonight - this is a hard time of year, all of us trying to live up to the fantasy. If your town is big enough to have restaurants open Christmas Eve, why not take yourself out for something - even a bowl of wonton soup or a plate of fries and gravy, if money's a problem. If the weather's nice you can walk and look at the lights. A small, and easily accomplished plan is usually good for me to help beat the blues. Amazing what a bubble bath by candleight and a new magazine can do!
I am alone too, not because of any A's in life. It's kinda sad, because my kid in another state is sick & all I wanna do is run & take care of her, but can't. I'm looking at this day & tomorrow as just any other day to get through. I'm not gonna lie & say it's easy - it's a little lonely. Will probably have a frozen dinner and watch a movie. I spend time with my dog holding her. Ok - my gratitudes are many - for what health I do have, and friends and family, and alanon. I'm grateful for my HP and spend time reflecting on Him and what that means to me this time of year. I wanted to go to my aunt's, but afraid car won't make it. So I snuggle with dog. There is something peaceful about hearing her sleep with me. She may not be here much longer either. I'm trying to get in chat room - unsuccessful so far. I'm kinda making a gratitude list. My heart goes out to you.
I think I have done the try to shut down stuff and I can't say it made it easier for me. I have had some nice food this year and felt a lot better for making the effort to go get it. I think I did the shut down issue as a way to respond to and be willful around my feeling deprived.
I think now I have to try to get the willingness to move out of the deprived state. I know it is extremely difficult to move out of that pain into something i don't know but I am willing to give it a shot. I know that when I am in willing mode being open, being clear and being cautious I do shift into places where I am not totally swallowed up in my pain.
