Hi.  First post, first realization of a problem in my marriage, first marriage, first experience with a possible alcoholic.

I'm 28 years old and have been married for just a little over a year.  My husband and I met and moved in quickly together, but we dated 4 years before we got engaged.  I apparently am blind.  Our dating years were joy-filled, youthful, and overall fun.  We live in New York and would go out almost every night, drinking and eating and performing.  Fairly normal behavior for young people in love.  He is a middle child and has always had self-proclaimed "low self-esteem".  He has helped me greatly over the years become a singer-songwriter and he himself is a brilliant artist.  He is supportive beyond belief in my career realm.

I started noticing behavioral changes when he drinks heavily a year ago.  He yelled at me, called me horrible names and punched a wall.  The next morning, when he awoke on the couch he had no idea how he got there.  Didn't remember any of it.  When I told him, he of course felt terrible and apologized saying he would quit the job that required his drinking that night.  He did.  However, we are both social drinkers, so he continued to drink when we went out with friends, or have a bourbon at home while watching a movie.  1-2 drinks a night is normal for both of us, I suppose.  

The other side of this backstory is his self-loathing behavior.  He is known to hit himself whenever he hurts me or fails at something.  He often ruins beautiful artpieces he creates.  He'll throw things at walls.  Call himself a failure.  Say he hates himself.  I'll try to be positive and physically intervene, but it hasn't stopped.  I've suggested counseling before, but to no avail.  

2 nights ago it all came to a head.  I had just finished a show and he arrived very drunk.  He was in great spirits and seemed very positive.  When I drove him home, 'xxxx' the fan.  I acted slightly annoyed at his drunken behavior, as one sober person would, and he lost it.  Screaming at me and saying what a jerk I was and how I'd never be anything if it weren't for him and calling me a  'xxxx' and many other obscene names.  He wouldn't stop for over 3 hours.  Even from the living room, he shouted insults at me.  Then, he began to violently hit himself in the face with a boot.  So badly, red marks were all over and he almost began to bleed.  I tried to grab his hands to stop him, but he shoved me away.  Then he would beat himself with his hands and punched my favorite painting of his, ruining it.  He then ran outside (its below 30 here) to sleep on the ground.  I tried to bring him inside to no avail, he continued verbally abusing me.  Finally, my roommate's boyfriend, an older gentleman who he respects, went out to bring him in and he stayed inside.  The next morning, he had abolustely no recollection of any of it.  I told him he had to get individual counseling, we were going to marriage counseling, and we needed to look into AA.  

He, of course, was deeply remourseful and apologetic.  In total shambles, really, at hurting me so much.  He admitted he had a drinking problem and would never drink again and would get the help he needed.  He also wrote me an email citing how he had been a horrible husband this past year.  I had a horrible realization while reading it.  This huge instance had been occuring on micro levels all year.  He would have a drink and then, somehow begin controlling me.  Criticising and nagging things I did, how I can make our marriage better, any positive reinforcement followed by a negative statement.  This has been happening to me all year.  I just thought he was somewhat cynical (he used to do stand up comedy), now I"m realizing his insecurities were pushed onto me.  I am 5'8'' and 115 pounds and he has gained 30 since we've been married.  I work full time and run a business, and I have no time to go to the gym.  He constantly hounds me to go because he "needs my support" and "won't go without me".  He seems incapable of doing anything on his own, he is very dependant on me, and controls me to make me dependant on him.  

This morning, he has been sober for 2 days.  We had a nice, healthy dinner together (which I made) last night and talked at length about our next steps and counseling and getting healthy for our marriage.  I thought it was a positive step.  He returned to our bedroom but we did not make love.  I thought using sex as some kind of "reward" would be negative, as he ALSO has a sex drive I am unable to compete with.  Often, I feel obligated to have sex with him or he gets in a bad mood and is mean.  As I'm typing this....I cannot believe I have put up with all of this.  I am being totally manipulated, aren't I?  

As a result of us not having sex, he woke up this morning as the person who hit himself with the boot.  But sober, so somewhat more frightening.  He walked around the house literally seething and blamed me for a) not being there for him and b) allowing him back in the bedroom when it was "too hard" for him to be there if I was still "punishing" him.  Friends, I am unable to argue with him.  I said I thought it was a positive step toward reconciliation and an act of showing him I WAS there for him by just being together in the same bed.  Again, I am not "helping" him and he feels he is on his own in this.  

What is my next step?  Do we have to not exist in the same house for awhile?  Does he have to leave?  He says he needs my help.  I don't know how to help him.  I am more than willing to not drink with him, I don't even care about drinking.  I want him to get better and I want to save my marriage, but apparently I am not equipped.  Do we go to counseling, AA, marriage therapy, and go through all of this together, or is it a "heal on your own" kind of situation?  Every time I make a suggestion, or try to be there, he says I need to "learn more about addiction" to make the right suggestion.  I'm also having a hard time believing he doesn't remember the other night because the face he had on this morning....the almost posessed face....it was the same as the other night.  And the cruelty was similar, he said HE is the one who needs help and that I have to forgive him quickly and stop "punishing him", so that I can give him the help he needs.  

I have never been in this situation before and need all the advice I can get.  Thank you for reading/listening.