The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am new to this board, but not alcoholism/addiction, and have been on the 'fringes' of Alanon for many years. I am now finally getting serious about really working the program, but realize I have a long way to go. My husband of 30 years was an alcoholic until his death (of course alcohol related) 18 years ago. Each of our 6 children are experiencing many challenges in their lives, and Alanon has a big job to do in order to guide me in getting the 'knot out of my gut'. Actually in a short time I have begun to make some real progress. This board has been a real help.
My current dilemma is a decision I need to make. My oldest son, 48, is an alcoholic. We did not know it for many years as he hid it well. He has now admitted the problem and has been in a few short de-tox programs and two 30-day rehabs. He is making progress, but has a long way to go. There are several issues to deal with in trying to hold the line with tough love, but the urgent one of the moment is this: My 'significant other' (of 18 years) and I are planning a VACATION between Christmas and New Year's -- hooray -- first one ever! That is obviously not a problem -- I'm really looking forward to it. The problem is that my son (the above mentioned), has offered to house/animal sit.
My 'significant other' is leaving it up to me. I don't think my son is doing as well on his sobriety as he should be. I am pretty sure he has been lying about how its going, though I have not pressed the point. But, do I give him the trust of leaving our house and possessions in his hands? (and carry a bundle of Alanon books with me to 'keep me sane'), or do we make other arrangements (which won't be easy).
To be fair to my son, in connection with his drinking he has never had destructive behavior. Actually, I am not sure what worries me -- other than that I don't like the idea of him being (maybe) here alone depressed and drinking. On the 'up' side, there is an AA group that he really gets a lot out of, just a block down the street that has daily 7AM plus evening meetings so he might find some intense support.
I know I can talk to him about it (and I will), and make rules, etc., but with all of the lying that has gone on in the past, I just don't want to set the situation up for more lies. (I found the recent posts about trust issues very helpful.)
So, my decision . . . Do I tell him "No", (which insinuates 'we do not trust you' - and I will probably feel bad about that), or do I tell him "Yes, stay here and be responsible for all of our material lives" (and then spend my time worrying, instead of having a good time).
[However, thanks to Alanon, whichever I choose, I do intend, the best I can, to TURN OVER the consequences of the decision, and strive to not let the 'feel bad' and 'worry' get the upper hand.]
There is much more to this situation than this one (seems very small) concern. My son is living with his younger brother based on a 'you drink you leave' agreement. He has no place else to go. We have no proof, but there are obviously suspicions that he is drinking. After the holidays we will have a showdown and it may mean some type of (very undesirable) halfway house, or a homeless shelter for him, and so this adds to the concern.
Your input and your prayers are very much appreciated. And thank each of you for your posts -- it helps so much.
For myself, I had to be burned several times before I set my boundries. That only lead to built up resentments and made the situation worse.
Your situation is a tough one. I don't know if he ever gave you reason to believe that your possesions would be in danger. I found it very interesting that you think it maybe you not being able to handle him being in your home alone and depressed. If that is the case, maybe the AA meetings will be just the thing he needs to get though that. It's a very personal decision. I'd get as much as I could out of talking with my A. See if he mentions the AA meetings.
Or maybe you could talk about your concern about him being home alone in this tough time and suggest the AA meetings if he thinks that would help him. This states your concern about him being there lonely and depressed. It offers something that may help him but also offers him the option to choose it. You as well can choose how you will decide.
Good luck and welcome. {{marian2}}
__________________
You are a perfect child of God and God and I love you just the way you are! (added by me...in that special alanon way)
Thanks for your share. Trust your intuition! Sounds like you are already all worked before you have even left. Tell him you have made other arrangements (this is just a good boundary) and wish him merry christmas. Go have fun.
You stated house/animal sit. Do you have a pet? What kind - a dog that would need entail a lot of responsibility for letting out etc, a cat - a little less responsibility because they don't need to go outside, fish, hamsters what? Now, being an avid animal lover I would have worries about the pet - if the pet had to go outside would he make sure to watch it so it would not get out of the yard, make sure gates are secured, etc. WOuld he remember to feed it if he is drunk, etc.
If he has shown no destructive bahavior I wouldn't worry so much about the house, but I would worry if there were other living things he would be responsible for (i.e. pets).
This is a little like pouring the booze down the sink to make the alcoholic stop drinking. I won't. Are you worried for your possessions?? Or does the very thought of your son continuing to destroy his life in your home hurt you? Remember, no matter what you do, or don't do will help him stop drinking. If you cannot enjoy your vacation with him in your home - then don't do it! There are all kinds of animal sitters, kennels etc that board pets while owners are on vacations.
He will be alone, depressed and drinking no matter what roof he is under --- if that is the route he chooses. You cannot control it. If you want to solve your vacation dilema, and take him up on his offer- trust GOd! And let it go. Do not give him any more power or control in your life - YOU are going on vacation, He has robbed you of enough sleep, heartache, and tears. Don't hand over any more. Again, if you cannot handle the thought of him there, and think you will spend the entire time worrying - then give your self a break, don't do it. Find another option. YOU are the focus here Marion, this is YOUR vacation.
best wishes hon, these men have no idea how much we love them Angie
... My oldest son, 48, is an alcoholic. We did not know it for many years as he hid it well.
Just a point of view from an alcoholic with 2 years recovery: Although we all have the same disease and the denial and lies are in all of us to various degrees, we alcoholics are all individual when it comes to trustworthyness. I know for myself, when active, I never stole or destroyed someone elses posessions. I would have been more than capable of house sitting and taking care of a pet for a week or two. If I may read into your statement above, it seems that may be the case with your son. If he hid it well for so many years, does that mean he never gave you cause to question trusting him with your posessions before? If so, let him watch the house. If he has given you cause to not trust him in the past, and you are unsure of his sobriety, don't let him.
Be careful not to overreact to stories you hear other alcoholics. While we are all sick, "some of us are sicker than others."
Marion: I would say my esh is that rescuing others at the expense of myself has been one significant way I have dealt with powerlessness. Whatever way I look at it there is a double bind. In my family of origin I learned to sacrifice myself so I did that by route. Now I have had to learn other ways one being to give them back the responsibility for their "ADULT" lives.
Thanks so much to each of you for your replies. Wow, it is great to have so many with "experience" available to offer input.
So I have put together "pros" and "cons". And, actually, there are lots of "pros" - --The house sitting job is really a piece of cake, my Son has stayed here before, familiar with the routine, etc. --The house and property are totally animal-safe and secure -- secure fences, etc. Our 2 dogs, 3 cats would not have to leave their familiar comfortable environment or spend time in cages, etc. --My Son has never harmed anyone or anything physically or materially (of course emotionally is a different story). --He is very aggressively working the program, and though there are "slips" he still seems determined, and the availability of the meeting down the street might be a positive change from the ones in his neighborhood. --Though he does have the "A" problem, he is a very kind and giving person, and I really think it would be a "vote of confidence" for him right now and an opportunity for him to feel like a "person of value" for a change (thanks Lou). [Maybe I would be causing myself a little stress to make him feel a little better, but that's what Moms do.]
The cons - --Just seems to be one . . . someone asked: "What are you worried about?" Well, I guess it is those 'kazillion' "What Ifs" that constantly invade my Being, and that I am working so hard in Alanon to conquer -- and, of course, which are things that almost never happen.
So, I guess I am going to consider this an exercise in trusting my HP and "turn it over". I am sure I will have a great report to share when we get back.
Thank you all for your caring. May your Holidays be blessed, joyful and peaceful.
Marion: The "what ifs" are very very difficult. I had to go out of town on business a while ago (well a few weeks). While I was gone my boyfriend brought back into my life a business partner of his who has been immensely destructive to our relationship. I now feel like I cannot trust him on the level of going away.
In reality I can't trust him with much of trying to protect our relationship because my boyfriend has done lots of things to sabatage, cause chaos and more. I have to look at that and I really don't want to. I want to pretend its the "friend" and not my boyfriend.
