The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So I was haveing a wonderful day and was SO impressed with myself because this is one of the FIRST days I got through without speading the ENTIRE day wondering why he wasn't calling, or wondering what he was doing, or wondering if/what he was thinking of me/ playing our most recent conversation over in my head and analyzing every tone and nuance... I just kept busy, had fun, felt good (that nervous, worried, sick feeling wasn't resting in my stomach) and was SO proud of myself and realised that things really are going to get better for me, within myself and my OWN life.
Well, about an hour ago I was sitting watching tv when a woman came on that really reminded me of my partner's close female friend with whom he attends AA meetings. And there it is. That sick, nervous, unsettling, awful feeling is back.
I feel so threatened by this girl - she is pretty, they obviously have a LOT in common, and as he delves further into his step work they are spending more and more time together. I used to voice some concern to him and he always reassured me that I have nothing to worry about, but I can't help it. He used to say he could never date someone in recovery, but more recently he has said to me that he is realising he may need to be with someone who is working on themselves the same way he is (thus, I entered Alanon/Acoa...).
So now what? I want to like this girl - I really don't have anyone other than her in my life that I really don't like. They spend SO much time together and I am worried that through the program they will get closer and closer and he will one day realise he has feelings for her. I know this is projecting the future (bad) and trying to control people/things (also bad) and that it also reflects how I worry he might leave me. But I don't know what to do with this!
I fear telling him my worries would be counterproductive, would piss him off, and might start a fight between us (I am very scared of us fighting), but I hate the feeling of fear I get whenever I think about her or whenever they spend time together. A woman in my Acoa f2f group even told me to watch out for her because she is a threat!! I don't want to have these negative feelings towards something that involves his recovery because that is obviously a very beautiful part of his life.
Why oh why couldn't I be an alcoholic too so I could be the one he goes to meetings with! (See how rational I am being about this?).
I have been married over 30 years and I do the same thing. My husband moved out and is not in recovery. I think the other women is part of the game at least in my husband's case. He literally feeds on their positive reinforcement which he says I don't give him. He also admits that he is only attracted to pretty women. I do the same thing keep busy, have a good time, take care of myself, etc. then my thoughts go back to I wonder what he is doing and who is he doing it with. But I don't share this to scare you but to say we have to look at our selves. Have you read women who love too much? It is an eye opener. It says that we will take all sorts of bad treatment because we don't think that much of ourselves. So what I pray for myself is that I will love myself more and not give a damn about where he is and who is with. Maybe this is part of serenity. Call a friend. Go do lunch. Someone said here that if you let go and it comes back to you, it is yours to keep and if you let go and it doesn't come back to you, then it was never yours. Hope this helps.
Alanajune, I have been married for 9 years, and am recently in the middle of a seperation due to the alcohol . I left the dysfunction - NOT the marriage. Look at your partners relationship with 'logical' eyes, and not eyes from your heart. You will probably see the writing on the wall. Do not minimize what is happening - but no, you cannot not control it. Your partner will need to feel validated in ways that you cannot do for him - so he thinks. Remember, he is still sick with this disease, and still very, very selfish. My husband started a 'friendship' a couple of days after I left, and is still tying to minimize it to me. Our marriage is now starting to enter the legal phase of seperation - something I NEVER wanted to happen. But I had an awakening; just as i did not choose the decisions my husband made in his drinking, or otherwise, I cannot choose his loyalty. I am not second, his friendship outside our marriage is not acceptable to me. This is my choice. I deserve THE best, not second best. You do too. I am not bitter, just hurt. I will learn not to be hurt by him anymore - then he can't control me. I am sorry for you Alana, this has been the most painful part of this entire process. I am not saying that this is what is happening to you, but I really do know how painful it is to watch the one you love get close to someone else. Stay close to your higher power, this will help you sift through the junk. (((hugs))) Angie
(((alana))) boy, do i know the feeling you're going through. as my sponsor would tell me, his recovery is his recovery, to make or break, and like it or not this woman is a part of either the making or the breaking. it's not up to us to decide what will make or break who or what or how. it's up to us to get the heck out of the way and let them do it. sounds like you know all of that. but like me you are in need of constant reminders because of that gnawing feeling in your stomach. my sponsor suggested i picture a shelf in my head. everytime i thought about it she asked me to envision myself packaging my worry up in a box and putting it up on the shelf for my HP to watch over. can't think two things at once, so having an alternative thought to replace the worry with really helped me over time. hang in there!
Alana: I go through the what I call wedging issue a great deal with my boyfriend. Recently I was out of town on a business trip. Right when I get back he starts telling me that a business associate of his who was very very destructive to our relationship is back in his life again. And he starts setting down all these issues that I will have to deal with.
I did not deal with it well but I did set limits on how much contact I will have with this man (i.e. none). I would agree with other people's assessments. For my boyfriend acting out his issues is one way he deals with things. He knows full well this man upsets me but chooses to keep reinvolving himself with him. The other day in a moment of serenity I realised that he had let go of other relationships and one reason I think he holds onto that one is because he knows full well it annoys me so much.
Detaching is indeed an art. I have to practice detaching on so so many levels, at work, in friendships and more.
