The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I wanted to start a discussion topic about JADE. Those of you in program long enough know it stands for:
Don't JADE: Justify, Argue, Defend, or Explain
I am looking for what people's interpretations are of these words and how they apply it to their recoveries.
For me, I feel like the word explain kind of fits into the justifying and defending. I tend to constantly defend myself and I get caught up in justifying my actions when my AH goes on one of his inquistions. I am constantly put on the spot and I really always feel that I need to answer him, but how. He is full of accusations and those are easy to deny, but when he wants me to justify why I purchased Dawn dish soap instead of Palmolive(no, this didn't happen but similar things have like when we bought our dryer last week) and I feel like I have to defend my reason for purchase or justify my decision making process. My AH is the king of questions, always looking for the holes in your explanations and always trying to find your weakness or inconsistency in your story. How do I stop doing this JADE thing, LOL?
In a relationship it is a useful tool of communication to "talk things over, reason things out" in an alcoholic relationship that form of communication often becomes quite difficult.
I found if I kept the focus on myself, refuse to react, examined my motives and said what I mean and mean what I say ONCE that was sufficient.
Then I could simply state,we have already discussed this issue and I am not going to engage further.
Alcoholics (and al-anons too) can be micro-managing control freaks.
When my marriage became rocky, especially after I joined al-anon, my AH became insecure and stepped up his efforts to control everything, I was no longer the quiet little mouse he married. My goal was to just keep going to my meetings because I had no where else to go, I had lost myself in my alcoholic marriage and my self esteem was in the gutter....
Sitting with the al-anon fellowship, I was being validated. I was healing. and one day at a time, I was getting my sense of self and my voice back. I began to own my "yes" and own my "no" with him and with others (like his mother) who "over-powered" me in every way. In the past, they would "act" and then I would "react" I learned to detach and stop reacting. As you might imagine, people are not pleased when their people pleaser stops pleasing, hahaha! But I was no longer afraid of them, and that made them afraid....
I gave up being the go-along to get-along girl so that I would be loved. I learned it was quite okay if people disagree with me, I could stand alone with my values. and I could respect their values too, I just didn't have to agree. they didn't like that I was detaching. My AH he moved out. But he didn't file, so I'm pretty sure it was part of his manipulation to scare me more. He was shocked when I filed.
In my opinion, those moments are opportunities for YOU to practice something different, an opportunity for YOU to honor yourself and your ability to make adult decisions, you don't need permission as if you were a child. Adults are able to make decisions, right? But every time I go on and on, and on and on to explain myself, I weaken my self. Because I'm trying to prove myself. Because I don't really believe in myself. the problem is me, but I can change. I can always take my power back, at any given moment. practice, practice, practice.
In retrospect, I realize I spent years trying to earn his approval. I wanted the approval of someone I didn't even approve of, aaaaack!
-- Edited by glad lee on Monday 19th of November 2012 09:32:46 AM
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
I use the JADE in areas all through my life - my bus kids - "because I said so!" works wonders; for others - "because that's the way I want it" - works for me and gets them off my back, if they are persistent - a shrug of the shoulders and "well, you're not me" or "well, we think differently" or for the really persistent "why does it matter to you?" or "Sorry, i don't wish to discuss it any further" (and for those who persist in telling me the consequences of my choices - "well, I guess I'll just have to wait and see, then I'll learn and you'll be able to say I told you so, eh?". I also understand that while I don't HAVE to JADE, I can choose to if I want.
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
That whole accepting that my STBAX doesn't think the way I do is a big help.
He may want an answer or maybe I do the reality is I don't have to answer him right on the spot.
I'll think about that and get back to you works for me or the infamous you might be right also derails future fights.
You've gotten some wonderful ESH .. it's more important to keep the focus on you and what you want vs what you might want him to do or how you want him to react in a specific situation.
I find that when I just accept things as what is vs what I think they should be my life goes soooo much easier. When I find that I'm trying to go through a brick wall I have to stop myself and remember I always have the option of turning left.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Trust became the primary issue for me, I could no longer trust him. Then after the divorce, my sister wanted me to move in with her, back to my home state. I warned her I had a "zoo" I had 3 pets that would have to come along, but she absolutely insisted, "it would be fun" she said.
Within 4 months, she asked us to leave. I was completely devastated. spiritually. physically. emotionally. I told my sponsor, I think God is telling me I should never trust anyone, EVER AGAIN. She said, "that doesn't sound very spiritual...."
She said, "....maybe the lesson is NOT that you shouldn't trust others. but that you CAN trust Higher power. You can trust yourself."
which made me remember all the red flags that told me this was probably not good. I could have trusted that small voice, my own intuition that was guiding me all along. I just never trusted it.
-- Edited by glad lee on Monday 19th of November 2012 09:45:50 AM
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
Oh, Glad lee, you hit the nail on the head for me. I, too, have spent years trying to win the approval of someone I didn't even approve of. Actually, 2 people, my dad and my AH. And, yes, my AH is not happy that I'm not people pleasing anymore. I think he's quite confused. He once said, "I want my wife back." Well, what I think he wants is the doormat people pleaser who just went along with his bad behavior and cleaned up his messes for him so that he didn't have to take responsibility for himself.
What amazes me is that he is so freaking responsible when it comes to handling his customers for work. He makes sure they get what they need, he fights for what they want and battles his company for them, and yet he won't do similar things for his family. I have come to realize that we come in second behind his work, and then for a while we were coming in behind the beer/alcohol. And, I'm not doing well handling my own anger and resentments. Maybe AH was right, maybe I won't ever be able to trust him again? After all the crud he's put us through and the things he's said, who could blame me? Well, I guess I need to work through that because I know it will help me grow.
My exAH loved to torment me with questions because I would try so hard to have the perfect answer and of course they were always wrong. I did learn to stop playing the game about these coversations and realized he was sick and just needed to take the glare off himself. I too had to learn not to trust untrustworthy people, it is a hard lesson learned, but I have a few very good trust worthy friends right now helping me to trust again. Sending you much love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
What a great topic! You know, I have worked hard to teach my children that sometimes it is helpful to know a little bit about WHY someone does something...not because it's an excuse or a justification for bad behavior, but sometimes having a little understanding makes it easier to just move past whatever someone has done that is mean/hurtful/whatever. So to that end, I find that in a relationship that is NOT marred by addiction, and all participants are sane and rational, a little bit of explaining is a good thing, because it can help us to understand that at least sometimes, those little hurts and insults aren't really personal at all.
That said, I used to be the queen explainer to my AH. Not anymore. The sicker he has become, the more I have realized that it would not matter if Abraham Lincoln himself argued my case to my AH. Abraham Lincoln would still be "ridiculous" and an "idiot" and a "terrible person" who is "going to h***." And as I have come to accept that, and I have come to accept that my AH's sick and twisted "opinion" of me doesn't matter to me, I have felt the need to JADE has really diminished a lot.
