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My A and I have been living apart for about 3 months or more, cos I needed to get off the rollercoaster. He has now been sober 2 months, and I'm wrestling with my guilt cos twice in the past 2 weeks I've falsely accused him of drinking. I am only just starting to be able to not think that hes out drinkin every day that I dont hear from him, but the minute I hear him say hes going into town, theh alarm bells ring and the words are out my mouth before I can stop them.
I have apologised and he says he understands why I do it, but why cant I get past that stage . I did it only yesterday, and the phone rang at midnight last night - so I get up thinking here comes the drunken phone call - imagine how low I felt when he told me he'd been in hospital all night with a busted ankle and that he has to go back in today to get an operation to put pins in his ankle.
Someone please put a weight on my foot so I cant get it into my mouth so often please!!!!
It took a long to time get you where you are and it is not going to change overnight. These are behaviors we have learned to try to protect ourselves. I can tell you that this last time I stopped the accusing and wow what a diffence it made. I decided that is was bad enough to be lied to with deceit and omission and that I did not need to be lied to my face, because then I went through the whole "I can't believe you could look right at me and lie" thing. So... I realized that my A is just that and A and if he had indeed picked up it would spiral out of control in its own time and then there would be no lying about it. So for the past three months, I knew but did not have to argue about it or feel bad that he was directly lying to me. And yes, it did spiral out of control, of course. But for that time I was doing the best I could.I was not going to change anything and I certainly could not control it. It is what it is! Don't know if this is any help but it helped me.
Oh, pico, please do not misunderstand me. I am not saying that he is lying to you. Only that even if he were, you cannot change that. Do what you need to do for you.
I completely understand that! My A and I live apart right now, and when I don't hear from him, my brain starts going in some crazy directions. That' especially true when I've had a bad day and wish that he was here. I have to remind myself that he's sober and doing what he has to in order to stay that way.
Old habits die hard with an addict. We're so use to not trusting them that when they are sober how can we think otherwise? The other thing is that if he has a drink, then there's nothing you nor I can do about it. There will be hiccups, it comes with the territory. I'm not saying he is, but from my own experience it has happened. That's where love with detachment comes in handy along with the Serenty prayer.
Don't feel bad about feeling the way you do. It's natural. The only thing you can do before you make that accusation, is to count to 10 or 20 or in my case, 50! You'll learn how. Remember baby steps. You're doing just fine.
Live strong, Karilynn
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Like confused said, it took you longer than 3 months to lose the trust. It will take awhile for it to be gained back. At least you're making progress. Had you not made progress, some would just be indignant and believe they had the 'right' not to trust etc. You've got the awareness and acceptance. Your next step is putting it into practice with action (or in your case, inaction, lol). Give yourself some credit, your 2/3 of the way there. :)
Bob
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You are a perfect child of God and God and I love you just the way you are! (added by me...in that special alanon way)
I often accuse my husband of using, whether he is or not. It really annoys him; although he understands it's a trust issue. He gets irritated because I stare at his eyes so long when he walks in the house to see if i can tell if he's using. He'll ask me why I'm staring (though he knows why) and I will respond with "I am admiring your beauty). It's a hard habit to break. I try to tell myself that it doesn't matter if I can tell if he's using or not. His recovery is not my business. It's between him and his HP. What is knowing for certain going to do for either of us? At first, I had to call him on it any time I thought he used because I didn't want him to think he was getting away with anything. Then I realized that he is not getting away with a thing. He knows he's using and will have to deal with the consequences. I am at the point that I know him using is bringing him closer to his bottom. Any intervention from me may prevent the very crisis that will lead him to get help. It's very difficult, but I think we've all been there. Be gentle with yourself.
Take it one day a time. It is hard to blame because we are always on guard waiting for them to make a mistake. We put our self on guard so we don't get hurt.
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Hey everyone watch me grow. I go thru good & bad times. each day i am getting stronger.
Hang in there. I too think the worst at times with my A. He had his last drink on November 13, of this year. However last Monday they had a gift exchange at bowling, he came home to tell me what his gift was....oh 5 airplane bottles of booze.....of course he drank two of them. When I said, I thought you quit drinking, his response.....? I didn't drink enough to even feel guilty about it! So the thoughts started, is this the gateway back to his drinking. All the stress this time of year, this just opens up and he will justify his drinking and using. I have to stop myself and say....Let go Let God. Be gentle with yourself. I think old habits are hard to break.
