The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
im here again. this computer seems like my only friend at the moment.
the only one who doesnt keep asking me questions....
my "A" is at home with his parents for the moment. he doesnt seem happy to be in such a "confined location". im living about an hours drive away.... and he rang earlier to say he had a job interview in my area....i switched to full panic mood!
i realised that im terrified...terrified that he will make friends again with the wrong crowd... terrified that he will throw away his great talent that he has.... he is soooooo creative and he can make thousands a week if he focused on his talents. he reminds me of george best the footballer..... he was given a great talent and also a disease.... same with my "A".... he is outstanding in his field.... better than any i have ever seen...and he too was given this dreaded disease.
he doesnt believe in himself..... but i always used to tell him how proud i was of him. he made me incredibly happy! i hate this disease... i hate the symptoms...lies, deceit betrayel etc...
..and worst of all i hate the fact i cant control it.
i want to... i want to fix him, i want to make him happy...but i realise i cant control anyones choices except my own. that makes me incredibly sad.... and angry...angry at him for choosing the wrong choices according to me....and at myself for wanting him to change them.
i shouldnt force my choices on him... i should allow him to live his life according to himself....
after all he's in charge of himself. i always tell him he cant come up to my area..... thats because i cant deal with all the hurt and worry that comes with it!
im holding him back in his recovery because of my own fears and anxiety. the only way i can sleep at night these days is to read a childrens book by Enid Blyton.... thats because it gives me a relaxed state of mind in which to drift off. (how childish is that)
i always pray to my HP to mind him, and make sure he can realise his full potential....there i go again... more worry about him.
why cant i let go? why cant i let him leed his own life without always shouting at him about what he cant do!
i obviously cant be with him if i cant let him live his life... i will always hold him back...out of sheer fear. he will feel trapped again...like hes in a glass case under the thumb. i cant do that to him...always questioning... always asking.... always "AT HIM"
thats not fair... thats not love... thats control. thats power.
he would end up hating me.... if he doesnt already...deep inside him.
do you know...every time i see him.... i dont even have to speak to him.. i break down in tears...coz it hurts so much that sooo much has happened and i dont have him to make everything alrite...coz hes part if not 3/4 the problem. my insecurities are the rest.
i love him more than anything....and i feel like hes dead.... its like someone has told me hes gone and i will never see him again...thats the pain inside me. i wish i trusted him.
i wish i trusted men in general but i dont. i cant force that. i cant pretend.
i made an appointm. with a counsellor myself. i need to talk to someone whos not familiar with the situation........ and outside advice and opinion.
thanks for letting me vent.... and for being there to listen...
My sponsor tells me that there are solutions to every problem.
Sometimes we will not allow ourselves to entertain them.
For example:
I wanted to leave my husband.
Solution one: Leave him. (couldn't cause I couldn't raise the kids alone)
Solution two: Stay with him.(couldn't cause I hated the disease)
Of course, I found a million reasons to do neither. So I ended up using solution two until I was ready for solution one. It became a matter of which side effects were worse, and to do the easier one.
Life's not easy. Sometimes all the solutions are hard, God will give us guidance to the right one, by making is slightly easier than the other.
You are worried about him coming into your area with the job hunt...
there are solutions, it is just a matter of weighing what you can, and can not do.
Hello Rebbeca , we love them so much but not enough to get off thier back. How well I remember being in that siutation myself. I don't have the right to choose how someone else lives thier life they told me. Only one I have any control over is me and my atttitude , and like you i wasn't doing a good job of that either.
You don't say if you are going to meetings for yourself , I hope u consider doing just that, you dont have to go thru this alone anymore we need support of people who understand us and hae been thru where were at. This board is great but often just a sounding board real meetings will offer solutitons for your delima . Be good to yourself go to meetings and quick.
To me the best way to support our A is to get our own program start changing what we can , OURSELVES often as we change it brings about the changes we wanted in the first place.
This is a disease it is progressive andit only gets worse, and it's his disease , leave it with h im where it belongs. good luck
I think we can't let go because we are codependent. It is that we are immature and also in our disease. But by posting it here I think is progress towards letting go. We truly are powerless over them and us.
In support,
Nancy
PS The computer has become my friend too and this site has filled a void in my life.
Thank you for your post. I think it is great you read children's books to relax. I have been known to color, make things with playdough and do jigsaw puzzles to relax my mind. I learned these things in therapy. I liked the replies you got above. Out of site out of mind came to me when I read your post. The less you think of him or see him the more he won't be in your thoughts. Distract your thinking the best you can and do things to keep busy that are new to you. My son is currently doing this as he recently broke up with his girlfriend (or she broke up with him) after 5 years. He has been working out at the gym and doing things to take care of him so he won't keep thinking of her. Do what you can for you now. If things work out in the future,,so be it. Live in the moment and start every day new with new and adventurous things :) cdb
Rebecca: George Best's funeral was one of the most haunting I have seen/heard. I thought that the way that people could echo their frustration and narrate that he had so many problems because of his alcoholism was a first.
My family (who are from Northern Ireland) have a life long history of codependence with dysfunctional people. I think I was programmed to be with dysfunctional people personally. Being around people who were remotely functional for a long time was far more challenging than being around people who were dysfunctional. In their dysfunction I could lose myself, my needs and my sense of self. I certainly didn't have a sense of my needs till I could set limits and boundaries on others and I did not learn how to do that until adulthood as in my family of origin everyone was an emeshed ball never knowing where one ended and the other began, no wonder it was chaotic.
I currently live with a man who has his own substance abuse issues, severe physical illness issues and more (he also has a mental illness he hides very artfully). He is a mixture of charm, charisma, sweetness, obstinacy and rage. To an outsider he seems incredibly sweet, understanding, charismatic, hard working and flexible. To me he is all that but also road rage prone, irritable, impetuous, self destructive and has a sense of entitlement that I can't imagine. My own rages at him have troubled me greatly.
My dependency on him is choking me. At any one time I can hate him and feel like I need him to breathe. I cannot imagine living without him and I can't imagine living with him on a long term basis either. Hardly the stuff of your dreams. So that is one of the many many reasons I am here as well as of course working in dysfunctional places (where I always felt entirely at home until recently too).
So I ended up using solution two until I was ready for solution one. It became a matter of which side effects were worse, and to do the easier one.