I am a resentful b_ _ _ch(fill in the blank) - Al-Anon Family Group

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

I am a resentful b_ _ _ch(fill in the blank)

glad lee · ~*Service Worker*~

I remember so well saying to my friends repeatedly, "Do you believe this?!!! Can you believe this?!!! I don't believe this!!!!"

Someone finally said to me, "You keep saying that. It's time to believe it." that was like a brick to my forehead. because I didn't want to see it. I wanted what I wanted. Even though I was powerless to make that happen.

When I finally believed his actions were more the truth than this words, acceptance began to sink in. I remember that day very well. I realized I was no longer being harmed by him, his actions were telling me the truth! I was the one harming Me by refusing to see reality, that was my own denial. I had to make the amends to myself. It's okay to say "I'm really upset that I have a husband like this!" (I said it too, only I threw in some colorful words) But I had to follow through with the steps and amend it for ME, make things right for me. Higher power needs me to cooperate and do the footwork so I can have the peace I keep praying for. you wrote it in your own post, we are all responsible for our own happiness. your husband is not responsible for fixing this thing for you.

What you think your heart cannot withstand, it can. When you believe your heart doesn't know something, it usually knows. Get quiet and still. Feel that your higher power is with you and with HP, you can do all things. Without HP, I become overwhelmed and b*tchy, because I am relying on my own power again. or I could be relying on a powerless alcoholic to fix everything and that will lead to insanity, been there, done that.

remember that in step 3, you decided to turn your will and life over to His protection and care. So God is not going to drop you on your head, my friend.

(((hugs)))

-- Edited by glad lee on Thursday 8th of November 2012 11:40:01 AM

ilovedogs · ~*Service Worker*~

I have self labeled myself this way today: resentful b*tch. At least, I am this in my own head. I have been working my program, working with my sponsor, forgiving as best as my heart knows how to, but something feels missing. I, at multiple times of the day, pray for my AH and tell my HP that I am giving AH over to him. I pray on my knees daily for answers that still do not come. I still look at my AH with anger and hostility. Angry at where he's taken our family, angry and resentful about the emotional abuse and the verbal crap that gets slung at me, and anger at him for his unwillingness to get help and to even want to change. He has given up, he doesn't want to fight for his marriage or his family, he has no interest in changing. And, yes, this has turned me into a resentful b.

I get shamed and blamed and guilted at every turn, and then I turn on him in defense of my position. I just can't seem to stop and the walls we both have up are thicker and higher at every turn. I was hoping marriage therapy would at least soften him a bit so he might be able to see another point of view and I was hoping it would soften me, but it's only hardened me because of the guilt he throws at me. The therapist pretty much said that if AH won't get help and work on himself, then there's no hope for him to become emotionally mature(with or without the booze at this point) any time in the near future. He sort of washed his hands of AH but then had us make another appointment, so I have no idea what that means, LOL.

It's been so hard to let go of the anger, to not hold onto the pain and the resulting resentment. Many of the hurts from AH have come from him even before he started drinking again and he was stone cold sober. How can I blame his abuse on alcoholism, when I didn't even know it was a problem at the time? He was sober for 15 years and all of a sudden now I have to blame his poor actions on a disease? HUH? I'm just so confused and ticked off. AH told the therapist that he's emotionally up and down all the time for the past 30 years of his life and the therapist asked him, "Don't you want to stop being like that? Why don't you find a therapist and start working on yourself?" AH has no interest in healing himself, he says he likes being miserable because it's all he's ever known. He seems to have no desire to want to see the world as a beautiful place and even said that he wished I could have changed him, that my positive views could have rubbed off on him.....but they didn't. Yeah, I guess I was hoping that too, early on in the marriage. I thought my cheery disposition could cheer him up all the time and I spent years trying to make him happy. I, obviously, have finally come to realize that it's not my job to make him happy and have stopped trying. Happiness is an inside job. Unfortunately, AH doesn't like being responsible for his own feelings and is really floundering and lashing out.

He says he wants to rebuild our marriage. He says he won't be the one to file for divorce, because I have to take on that burden because he won't be the bad guy again. Yet, I caught him in a supid lie last week about a dentist appointment? Really? A dentist appointment? Why would someone lie about what time they are going to the dentist? I know I'm trying to make sense of something that makes no sense, but I am just overwhelmed with working hard to overlook all this crap. My head and my heart hurt.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Dear ilove dogs

Alcoholism is alive and well even when the drinking stops. That your husband was not drinking for 15 years is a great accomplishment but it does not mean he was working a program of recovery and letting go of the "ISMs" that are at the route of alcoholism.

Living with this disease as "Our Opening " ---suggests--- our thinking becomes distorted and we become irritable and unreasonable without even knowing it. Reacting to these" isms" is the exact nature of our alanon issues.

You are in recovery and learning new constructive tools to live by. Sharing, seeing the situation , owning our part are all important steps in recovery.

Please be gentle with yourself. Know that you are not alone and that HP will guide you to the right choices for your life.

Alanon works when we work it. Keep on working it you are so worth it smile

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

I have so been in the whirlwind you describe and, I, too, was a resentful B....I used the strength of that B to keep me reaching for sanity (meetings, sponsor, therapist, etc). When I finally let go of my expectations of what he (and I) should do, feel, etc and stopped feeling like a victim, I began to heal. I used to lie to myself that if he would just see how miserable we were he would change, but he never did until, through my healing, he knew the gig was up. Most of the time, I did not do the work/healing for HIS or OUR healing, just for my sanity and healing. It is only when my intentions are clear, that I am restored to sanity. It sounds easy, but it is so very hard, but YOU ARE WORTH IT!!!!!! big ole hug to you and your family

Temple · ~*Service Worker*~

Not drinking and recovery are two entirely different things, IMHO.

My husband quit cold turkey in 1973. Seven years later we lived in San Francisco for a year and we would have wine with dinner sometimes. With no apparent ill effects. And in the 80s he got on a kick of using an awful lot of mouthwash that had alcohol. After I coerced him into going to see my therapist and taking the alcoholic test, and a six months or so stint of attending AA meetings, he's never had anything to drink since nor according to him does he have the desire.

And he still rages and has dry drunks and acts totally illogically from time to time. And doesn't think as a normal person on his best days. He's just not all there emotionally nor even intellectually anymore. If he ever was.

It is still a disease whether they are drinking or not. And they are still very sick puppies unless they get into recovery and really work at it and stay in recovery. In my experience.

ilovedogs · ~*Service Worker*~

Thank you Temple for reminding me of that, but what bugs me is that I didn't really know all those years that it was probably hidden alcoholism. Even now, I don't think he's a full blown alcoholic, I believe he's an alcohol abuser mainly because he's a binge drinker. Either way, it's a problem and doesn't really matter what label I put upon it.

I am blown away by how much I've put up with and how much shame and blame I've taken on. I am working hard to take a look at my part because I too get caught up in the crap throwing. Mostly it's defense and counter moves on my part, but it's still there. I have a hard time stepping down when I know the truth and the lies are being slung at me. I always felt so weak around him. I would cower any time he raised his voice and I would do anything to make it stop. I'd work with the neighbor's to get their dog to stop barking because AH wouldn't approach them even though he'd scream and throw fits and slam doors when the dog went for hours barking. I'd fix everything. I'd make sure that things were 'just so' so that he couldn't find something wrong to complain about or blame me for. Now, here I sit, wondering where to go from here and being angry and resentful because of it.

I think a good point was made by glad lee, maybe I am resentful because I had expectations that my marriage would be different, I had high hopes in the beginning and it was wonderful to live in fairy tale land. Yet, I know that I lived in an illusion for many many years, I didn't want to see what was happening to us as a family, and now I see and I don't like it. I have come to acceptance of many things recently. I accept AH for what he is, but I am having trouble accepting the fact that I am choosing to live with it right now.

glad lee · ~*Service Worker*~

(((((big hugs))))))

that is a HUGE awakening, girlfriend. that you are choosing it and you always have. just as I did. I admit that when I had that awakening about myself, it initially launched me into a phase of self-hatred, I hated myself for choosing a man who abused me even before we were married. But I made my choices based on all the experiences of a 19 year-old who came from an alcoholic family that treated her the same way....

Today, I make choices based on all the experiences of a 50 year-old who came from an alcoholic family, and lived with an alcoholic husband for 26 years, and found her way through the doors of al-anon. I choose much differently than I did as a 19 year-old.

In recovery, I discovered life does not have to look just one way, the way I had always believed things should look. we are told to keep an OPEN MIND and when I do that, I have options, I get lots of choices. whatever I choose for myself, Higher power will be there, as He always was for me. always.

Higher power is not about stress and strain and anxiety and fear. which was not the understanding of my childhood thinking. I get to choose to believe in a Higher power that doesn't believe I need to suffer through life.

You can start your day over, my friend. and enjoy the quiet of your Higher power's presence in every moment. it's always there, always reaching for you, inviting you to "be." If your mind goes into obsession about the past again, tell it to shut the eff up, there are more important things happening. nothing more important than being with higher power. you deserve the reprieve, my friend.

Tasha · Veteran Member

WOw - great thread - lots of wisdom in all these posts - thank you so much!

ilovedogs · ~*Service Worker*~

Glad Lee, LOL, I would love to start my day over but we have marriage counseling today! That's never a good day for us. I just got back from vacation visiting my mom and it was much needed. Now, I'm back and I'm just feeling the oppressiveness of living like this day in and day out. Higher Power is with me, I know that, but the day to day gets so hard sometimes because there's so much stress in the air.

glad lee · ~*Service Worker*~

You have choices, dear friend, always. that's how we start over. you can choose not to go anymore. because I know for me, when I keep doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results, well....

Or you can choose to just listen with detachment. don't let yourself get emotionally hooked. always leads to an emotional hangover anyways. you can choose to believe this is going to go EXACTLY the way it needs to be (because it's true, just don't resist this time.) You can choose to leave your expectations at the door. You can choose to say, "Thank you God, I totally trust you" with whatever happens. total acceptance. You can choose to throw your shoe at him, but, meh.... might end up in jail. sooo glad I'm not in jail today. thanks al-anon!!

I'm going with you in spirit ((hugs))

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

I read once that women in particular are taught that "If I'm good enough, it will be noticed and I'll be rewarded." And we just try to be better and better and better -- the best good little girls we possibly can be. And if we're ever resentful or discouraged or doubting, that's not being a good girl, so it's our own faults if we're not rewarded! That's the mindset we can get in. But it's all a load of hooey. In a healthy relationship, both people act with kindness toward the other person most of the time, and the "rewards" are reciprocal. The trouble is that I was trying to do both sides of a caring relationship all on my own.

Your husband's conviction that he won't be the bad guy if he just doesn't initiate a divorce would be hilarious if it weren't so sad.

I spent years blaming myself because of my anger. And it's definitely true that I didn't always express that anger in a helpful way. But now I also ask myself why I wasn't angrier -- why did I think maybe his behavior should have been acceptable to me? It's hard to get perspective. Keep on taking good care of yourself.

glad lee · ~*Service Worker*~

good point, Mattie. And I also put all those childhood fairy tales on my inventory resentment list, the ones that told my child brain that it would take a man!! to bring me happiness, a man would have to rescue me.

I also put my childhood religion on that list because I was told I had to stay married forever, no matter what.

what was affected in me? (according to our inventory sheets) my self-esteem, my security, my ambitions, my pocketbook...

What was the exact nature of my wrong? (next column) I BELIEVED it. I did it. Intentionally or unintentionally, I am responsible because I believed what I was told. I don't have to stay in my anger about it, the steps give me the power to make it "right" today because today is all I have and I don't want to live in the past anymore....

So I make the amends to myself, I no longer believe I need a man to bring me happiness. I no longer believe I have to suffer in a one-sided marriage. that's the power I get to move on from the resentment and anger. I accept my part in it and I move on so that I can feel more peaceful. that's the goal.

ilovedogs · ~*Service Worker*~

Mattie definitely hit the nail on the head. I spent my entire childhood trying to be good enough for my dad. If I only got an A instead of a B in writing class, maybe then he'd be nicer to me, etc.

Well, therapy today sucked as usual. The therapist did tell AH that he didn't think that abstinence alone is going to work for him and that AH needs to do SOMETHING to address the drinking problem. The level of dysfunction in our marriage astounds me; everything from religious problems(we were on the same page when married but that's since changed), to parenting issues(he has issues with all kinds of stuff here), to the drinking stuff, to the passive aggressive behavior, to the emotional abuse/verbal onslaught that was thrown at me over the years.

I need to seriously work on letting go of the past, yet I feel it's healthy to address certain issues. AH got angry when I brought up something from last spring. Umm, that was only a few months ago in reality, it's not like I'm bringing up something from 10 years ago. It's been very difficult. I told AH that I want our relationship to be something new, to be completely different from how it's been, and he doesn't see anything wrong with the way it's been for the past 17 years. Of course not! He's had quite the life. Now, I want things to change and I want us to grow. Maybe I'm asking too much.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

I use to think it often and even once or twice mentioned it out loud around the group. Al-Anon women are SCARY!! The power of the women who raised me in program was huge and this share reminds me that I have a HP to be grateful to that led me to the group. Mahalo ladies...Asking my HP to do something special for you all in the next 24 hours...starting now...of course. (((((hugs))))) smile

stephaniej · Senior Member

Oh ILD, I am so sorry you are struggling with this. First of all, here is a gentle reminder to be very, very kind to yourself, and gentle with yourself. Why do you feel so resentful and battle-scarred? Because you have been in a war. You still ARE in a war. Your feelings are legitimate, and in my opinion, totally understandable and natural. I, too, struggle with letting the past go. Sometimes I take a long, hard look at myself and can tell that I'm hanging on to the past for any number of toxic, unhealthy reasons. But other times, I can't let the past go because I'm just not ready to let it go. I still have more processing to do. More coping. And when there's just so much crap...so many years of hurt and abuse and yes, unmet expectations and disappointment...it's hard to separate everything out and process things one at a time. It can be impossible, some days, to see anything but a huge mountain of crap, that will never go away and that I will never be able to view with any sort of perspective. But then there are other days when I can successfully break off one issue, one memory, one recurring hurt, and do some work on it, and feel more at peace with it.

Hang in there ILD...you've been to hell and back more times than any of us could ever count. You're doing great!

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Remember when we hurt, we learn.Maybe you are close to making a change? Geez I would be a resentful B too at this horrible disease.

I had just about given up. who cares let yourself go, the disease robbed your life. He lives on as a parasite,I am struggling like crazy becuz everything goes up but my income.

This barking dog thing is out of control. I am not kidding lady, they did not fight for me to get my child support but omg if you don't pay court fees for a lie, geez.

Forgive yourself, maybe play around with options in your head. we always have them!

I am glad you spit it out. venting is soooo important! love, debilyn

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