The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My husband and I are living with my father-in-law, renting the bottom half of his house while we save up to buy something of our own. When I tell people about this, most people respond with shock and pity. People tell me to buck up, one day I'll have a place of my own....
Well, I guess in an ideal world my husband and I would have our own place. But when I think of the many gifts this past year or so of living with my father-in-law has brought us, I have to say it has been a blessing.
At the time we made the decision to move in with my husband's father, my husband and I had a lot of debt we were trying to work off. One of the obvious benefits of the arrangements was we would pay about half of our usual rent, and the money would be put toward home improvements, for which we would provide the labor - a win for our budget, and a help to his dad, who is getting older and can't take care of these things himself as well anymore. We would also get a yard for our dog to play in, and company for her the whole day while we worked, since my fil is home all day (turns out she is equal company to him now, and they are inseparable);
Those were the obvious benefits. But the other ones have come to me over the course of the time I have spent living with my husband's father.
I grew up in an alcoholic home. I still find it hard to put into words what living in that home was like. But, living with my fil has helped me define it by contrast. What a gift it is to live with someone old enough to be my father and be able to talk with him. To sit down at the table with a cup of coffee and just chat. To talk about what is going on in our lives and laugh, instead of complain about who is or isn't doing what. To hear insights into my husband's childhood and family life that I do not even know about my own family. To cook dinner, sit down as a family, and spend time with people who are happy to be together. To give and take and not have someone pointing the finger at me about what I'm not doing right. To not listen to the footsteps upstairs and wonder where they are going, if they are the footsteps of an angry person or not. To not hear the car hit the driveway and feel the need to retreat to my room. To not be afraid to come home. To hear someone greet me when I come in the door, happy that I am there.
When my husband and I made the decision to move in with my fil, I couldn't have guessed the gifts that were to come. Sure, my fil is a pack rat and he doesn't live the clutter-free life or keep the clean kitchen I would. But there has been so much good that has come out of this living situation. A great learning experience for me. Thanks for listening.
Beautiful share Pixel!!! HP has given you a gift and what's even more beautiful is that you recognize it as that!!! Thanks for the wonderful words!! Love in recovery, SenoraBob
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Higher Power doesn't always wrap presents in pretty paper.
Hi Pix , that was an awsome sharring thank you. and as to those who say Poor you, Just smile and walk away . besides it's no ones business how u and hubby decide to live your life. Louise
I feel absolute respect, love and admiration for my own mother in law, who has helped us out imeasurably in the 10 years that we have been together. At first, i felt very guilty for all the help she gave me, as that must have meant that I was unable to do it myself....duh!
My own family doesn't understand why she helps us the way she does, but I tell you, my life has become both esthetically and spritually more full with her in it. I have a bond with her that I have with no other.
People can say what they want. All that matters is what we feel inside at the end of the day, right?
Your share really touched my heart. The reason being is it relates to the time I have been spending with my parents now as an adult. I was even there for an entire month while dad was in and out of the hospital. I still don't quite understand why my marriage has had so many ups and downs and dysfunction while my parents marriage never did. I guess it is partly due to marrying into an alcoholic extended family and becoming part of the craziness over the past 27 years. My parents continued to live in AZ while I lived near my inlaws in ND. Now, when I am at my parents home I feel such calm and peace. I wonder if I deserved this throughout my marriage or if I was suppose to go the path that I went. I want what my parents have in their marriage now. I want my spouse to be like my dad, but then I was and am not like my mom. As you can see your post started some soul searching in me. I think you are truly blessed by sharing a home with your fil. Maybe some day, those people will be able to understand too. It too me until the age of 50 to come to this realization. Sometimes I wonder if it wouldn't be better to still live together as larger extended families too and help each other out. It is just a different world we do live in now. Wishing you all the best through the holiday season and into the new year. cdb :)
