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Hi all - I haven't posted in a while but I always do come to read and "lurk" because even just doing that helps a lot.
Anyway on last Friday I actually mentioned what I call "my tales of woe" to a couple friends - one in another state (via email) and one here at work. They were both really really accepting and understanding and I just wanted to cry - knowing that someone cared.
Friday night my A was really bad. He called me the devil and a bunch of other derogatory things. I cried silently inside. Then Saturday he was drunk again, though he wasn't so "mean" to me. I still don't know how to ignore his remarks, I know that he is another person when he is drunk but his remarks still hurt and they just don't go away the next day when he's sober.
Sunday he went out again but actually came home NOT DRUNK. Wow!!! We had a really nice evening. And I felt so down and depressed before but now because we had one nice night I'm feeling up and creative and want to get a Christmas tree and decorate (I hadn't done any of that before bcause I was just so depressed).
I told him this morning "thank you for not getting drunk last night". He said "I just didn't feel like getting drunk" ???? what kind of answer is that!???? He's got to see the changes in me when he is and isn't drunk.
Anyway - it's always this rollercoaster - I feel so down and then all it takes is one day of non drunkeness and I'm back to my positive self? What does that make me?
I want off the rollercoaster - please stop the ride!
I have to write down the good stuff, in detail, emotions, actions, etc, that way, when the shit comes out again when he is drunk, or in a BUD (Build Up to Drink) I have something to remind me that the good man still exists.
Remember, you have choices. You have the choice to not be around the active drinker, and you also have the choice to act, not react.
Another thing that helps me when the alcoholic starts his crap is that the alcohol goes in the mouth, and the shit that comes out of his mouth is just the fumes from the booze. Sometimes I also have to close my eyes every few seconds and say "help me through this God"
I live with an active drinker as well. I have gotten a sponsor and a good support system so when he starts to act up I call people to help me through it. When he disappears and does what ever he does I have learned not to call him. I used to call him the min he left the house and last tuesday i didn't call him one bit. Didn't worry one bit. It has taken me 13 months to get to this point. If you work this program you will be able to make a different with or without and active drinker.
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Hey everyone watch me grow. I go thru good & bad times. each day i am getting stronger.
He probably doesn't notice the difference in mood. When they are drinking they tend to be self absorbed. it's hard to get over the comments and they can be very hurtful. Can you go somewhere when he gets mean? Keep coming back
Thanks. Yeah - I am getting there I guess. He recently had neck surgery and when he falls asleep downstairs he then blames me for his sore neck the next day because I didn't wake him up. Now - I have tried to wake him up but he doesn't. So I just keep saying to myself "You (meaning the A) have to take responsibility for your own actions, if you don't want your neck to be sore then don't get so drunk that you won't or can't get up" Now I just have to say it to him the next time he "blames" me for it.
What helps me is staying busy. I have been in and out of the house so much, that I don't have time to really think about him. When he makes a nasty comment, I am gone so fast and on to something else that I don't even have time to really focus on the nasty.
Sunday was good for me to. I think he misses me and realizes that despite my work and my porgram that I do enjoy being around him if he is enjoyable to be around. For example I usually go to three f2f meetings a week. Thursday he was nice and kept the kids and i went to two meetings on Thursday. Friday he met me at work and we went and got the kids and went to dinner. I was having such a great time with him and when he asked if I was going to my Friday meeting (and the way he asked I new he was wanting me to stay) i said no. We stayed in and had a great night. Saturday I did volunteer work all day.
I have found that when I am busy and doing stuff for me, he can't get to me.
Much Love,
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"Today's problems can not be solved if we still think the way we did when we created them" -Albert Einstein
Definitely relate to the rollrcoaster ride. I found that it was my emotions that felt like I was on the ride one minute up next down depending on how tha A in your life was treating you at the time. Today I can say I have serenity because I have shifted the focus away from my A and onto me. I can choose whether to have a good day or bad one it is up to me. Doesn't mean that you have to let anyone treat you like a piece of s..t though. Luv Leo xx
I can identify with your post. My A is sober and his moods change with the wind. I live the emotions for him. Boy, am I tired at the end of the day. I even sleep lightly "just in case" as he snores for 10 hours. I agree with the other posts. Focus on yourself.
I want off the rollercoaster -I HADN'T DONE ANY OF THAT BEFORE BECAUSE IWAS JUST SO DEPRESSED. I can substitute just about anything for the word THAT. I look around and shock myself as to the things I never get to and that do not even enter my awareness. I am in a non-active situation, but there are a multitude of mood changes and zinging comments that I am thrown off balance a lot. It seems his behavior escalates until it gets me. I start off by detaching. I am quite good at that, even with love at times. But by the next day or so, the nastiness gets me. We are both retired. When I was in my career there just wasn't time or energy to dwell on these unpleasantries. I attend 2 sometimes 3 alanon meetings a week. In my heart I think that daily attendance at alanon meetings would help but I don't do that. My confidence is at a low and the more he finds fault, the more incompetent I feel. Nothing can please him, I really don't even try to. I am finally being myself and not hiding who I am. This took 17 years in Alanon. There are times of happiness, then in comes this huge tidal wave of crap. Like a wave, it rolls in but it always rolls out again. At this time of my life it is very wearying when the wave is in. In my heart of hearts I want the rollercoaster to stop by the other changing his behavior. This will never be. This is my greatest alanon challenge: To continue to enjoy my life and space, one day at a time, whether or not the other person is willing to change.
Aron 
