The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Well, I went to go see my A at the hospital today. The kids did not want to come and I respect that. They have their reasons. If I am confused I cannot imagine how a 9 and 12 year old are feeling. I did not tell him that I was coming and hadn't spoken to him today so he was surprised. He was lying in a dark room all by himself. I said, "having a difficult day?" he replied "Yeah, how did you know?" and he was serious. How did I know, who lies in the dark at 6 pm that is having a good day??
We had a nice but short visit. He is scared and so am I. This time is different than the last two times he was there. (since april of this year) Previously he had just gone in to detox and this time the primary on the admission was depression and addiction was secondary. I think that is scary to him. We talked about what happened to get him in there and the fact that he was likely in a blackout at the time. Scary!!!
I do not know what tomorrow will bring but for today I am happy with my choices, the things I did for me, for my kids and for my husband. It was an emotionally long day and I am sure they are not going to get any shorter any time soon, but I will sleep tonight knowing that he is safe, safe from his disease and himself. Unfortunately he is not safe from his demons. I cannot even imagine his pain. It hurts to think about it.
Thank you all for being there. Your strength is inspiring. I will be ok and that is a relative term. Today I am ok. Maybe not what I always thought ok would be but ok nonetheless.
I am glad you are okay today and that your A may be getting the help he needs. Fear may be what will serve him best at the moment. I think we may some pretty big decisions out of fear and I pray he makes good ones. I pray for strength and courage for you through this time in your life. I think it was wonderful that you respected the children's feelings.
Just for today, he is in a safe place. You do not need to worry about him, all his physical needs are met - only he can face his "demons".
Now, you have a little bit of space - a bit of time to work on you. What do you need to do for yourself today?
In the beginning of my journey in the program, I used to write it down..... today, I need to have my hair cut, pay my gas bill, write a letter. As you can see, some of them were more appealing than others!
Take it easy, dear friend, this is not a race, just try, little by little, to put the focus back on your own life.
