The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
OK, if i don't get responses on my shorter shares, i totally understand if you don't want to give esh on this one....this is just MY feelings sharing in the hope that "giving this away" helps someone
Hope for Today - December 16
I had a job in my alcoholic family, and I learned it very well. The job was to keep silent about what was happening in my home and how I felt about it. I became an adolescent with no coping skills. Gradually so much pain and anger built up inside me that I had to find some way to relieve it. My alcoholic parents' reservoir of coping skills was virtually nonexistent, so they had no way to recognize what I was going through, let alone help me through it. Left to my own devices, I escaped through food. Only later, when I started coming to Al-Anon, did I realize that my use of food was very similar in motive and pattern to my parents' use of alcohol.
#########ROSIE.....yeah, not to sound sarcastic, but my job in my family was nothing i wanted on my resume.......my "job" was to satisfy the degenerate desires of my natural father, try to keep my "A" mother sober , do all the duties that she would do if she were sober, feed my younger siblings, clean the house...give up any life for me AND keep my mouth shut, AND try to make good grades in school (which somehow i did..school was my save haven and i excelled) .......i had to stuff my feelings....DO and DON"T complain, etc.......and i too had a gradual build up of pain, beyond words....anger/resentment/hate that i could put a color on it....sometimes it was red, and lots of times it was a BLUE ..like dry ice...the kind that burned you if you touched it.......i had no coping skills...when stimuli/ triggers would occur, my response was fear/helplessness at the lack of being in control and than RAGE!!!!!! but that would be later, when i got out of that "hell hole"......my way to relieve my pain and anger at first was alcohol and tranquilizing drugs....AND food as well.....i had to "numb" my demons anyway i could...i was a volcano just ITCHING to erupt......i had NOone to turn to NOwhere to run NO defense, ZERO in the way of support.......i was alone........i was terrified.....like a butterfly trapped in a spider web and NO way to get out.......i had to lie there, totally helpless as the spider trundled down his web to suck more life out of me....i had to shut down/ disassociate/ numb out becuz to FEEL his fangs penetrating me would have for SURE taken my sanity and/or my life...i had to "go away", crawl so deep inside of myself that i was lying on my own spirit........by the time i got out there wan't much life left inside of me...just the raging/simmering anger that was the lid to my horrendous pain........so i too, was left to my own devices, and that was alcohol/ tranquilizing drugs (legal OR illegal) and food AND fantasy...going to my "safe other place"......
#######ROSIE...when i discovered my "needs" for self medication, i too realized that i had developed an "ism" personality.......however NEVER did i ever want to hurt anyone else or murder a child's sweet innocense and trust.....i just hurt me....i was sick, never evil....there IS a diference.....i just self medicated...escaped anyway i could!!!! in order to "stand life" i became a drinker/drugger AND dreamer!!!!
First Al-Anon taught me through the Step Four process that it was all right for me to identify my buried emotions and to allow myself to feel them. Step Five encouraged me to share results of this emotional inventory with another trusted person, and I chose my sponsor. These Steps helped me clear pain from my heart and fill that space with something healthy. Today instead of eating when I feel anxiety or some other uncomfortable emotion, I choose to use an Al-Anon tool. I call my sponsor or another Al- Anon friend. Sometimes I read from Al-Anon literature to calm my soul. Occasionally I sign up to volunteer as a monthly chairperson, or take a few names and numbers from my phone list to offer words of hope to a hurting newcomer. I can't always control my pain, but I can choose what I do to heal it. Thought for the Day What coping behaviors do I use to sooth my pain? Are they really helping me? "I've learned a lot . . . about coping with my feelings and making my life better." *Living Today in Alateen*, p. 133 ----------
##########ROSIE...the first time i did step 4 and SAW, the horrendous injuries, i cried for 14 hours straight!!!! NONstop sobbing...the kind that started in my soul and radiated out....my arms even ached down to my finger tips from the "thawing" pain.....after the first cry i was so weak and shaky i had to drag my spent little body to the bathroom for my morning shower and preparation to go to work.........
#########ROSIE...i saw that i must have a TON of pain/anger/outrage/grief to "thaw out".....this was gonna be one HELL of a painful ride....discharging all this pain/grief, i had NO idea what i was getting myself into.......i never in my wildest imagination thought that i would feel SO bad SO "strung out" SO hurting like this recovery work has been....its been "hell" for me....but i keep on with it hoping that when i (with help from my inner higher power) have cut away all the gangrenous wounds, i can go on with SOME kind of life.......
#########ROSIE..some of my shares to my sponser i know, must have been horrendous, becuz of my inate craving for total honesty and openess and willingness...i was desperate to recover......i would do ANYthing, pay ANY price to get this evil off me and back on to its source.....to find the REAL me under all these layers of pain!!!
#########ROSIE.....slowly and i mean SLOWLY i am learning that i am loveable and acceptable JUST the way i am...that i am worthy and i am learning how to love/care for my self....the fear is still there, fear i won't "make it" fear my needs won't be met, but i approach my recovery with just the focus on me/ recovery/ and NO grand expectations outside of my own "focusing on me/my inventory" thats IT......i am losing my desire to "numb out" i WANT to face my issues..."kiss my fears" proceed inspite of my fear.....i run to the 12Steps and program rather than alcohol...i take my meds ONLY as needed for my panic attacks....i got ptss out of this so i don't know what the future holds for my horrible nerves (anxiety/ panic attacks) but i go ONE day at a time....NO UNrealistic expectations...in fact none much at all, except TODAY, i work to be emotionally and physically sober to take care of me and work my program.......
########ROSIE .....my pain is deep...deeper than the roots of a 200 year old tree in the forest, so this is NOT going to go away over night!!! i quit putting a "meter" on it....i go day to day.....i know day to day i progress....and i also feel that with my dedication and CONCERTED efforts to "put me back together again", AND the fact that i am powered by the LIGHT and NOT the darkness...i figure MY power within is more powerful that HIS power within, so i have a decent shot..........i will NOT give up on me...even tho there are times, i just want to "lie down and quit" i am so tired sometimes...so worn out sometimes.....wondering WHERE is the END of this tunnel????? "one foot in front of the other" someway , someDAY, i gotta see the light at the end......there HAS to be.......i see glimpses/ hints of it......i know my relationship with me is SO improved...i am WILLING now to trust in a power greater than i....oh i have my "bad spiritual hair days" but the frequency is less.......intensity is manageable.......duration is way less........awareness is almost immediate.....and with awareness comes acceptance....and action!!!! working my program......
#######ROSIE.....the DECISION i made to drop UNrealistic expectations of what my HP will do for/with me has enabled me to just "look within" and to focus on self love/ self discovery/ self care.....AND to be grateful for the things this program HAS lead to me............***my relationships with my family/friends are 180 degrees better.............****i have learned and employ BOUNDARIES.................****i can reach out to others , SAFE others, and allow them to see "inside" the real me....................****i am losing my shame............****i am SEEING my worth as an EQUAL deserving human being on this earth.................****i am more willing to give up/ give in/ let GO when something is out of my control................****i am drawing more love / friendship to me..................**** i am NOT self abusing...........*****i am integrating with my inner child (she does not act out like she used to...trusting me instead)................*****i am allowing me to FEEL...........
********i am OK with being "perfectly imperfect".........***** its OK if someone rejects/ leaves me cuz i have me/ my ic/ and my hp...........*****i FEEL better about me..........thank you DONE
Thank you for sharing that Rosie. I can't imagine how painfully scary that is. I hope someday that the A in my life will be able to realize the things that you have because I believe his childhood was somewhat similar to yours. Thank you for giving ME hope.
(((rosie))) i love your shares and esh. long and short ones. they let me see the things i want to feel and what i should work on. i may not reply but they all touch me and help me. i read every single one of them. you sound so awesome and working the program very well. one day i hope i can be in the stage that you are at.
your sister in recovery,
notsonew
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stay in the now...dont look forward, dont look back....your life is what you make of it
