The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
...so the s*** hit the fan in the new apt. I've been so angry, frustrated, & irritable. This feels nothing like a home. I called & left a message for the apt. manager - who knows if she'll actually get it. Then - to my great surprise - I picked up the phone & called my X (who is a lawyer) for advice. He says I definetely have grounds to break the lease, since I'm disabled, with everything that's happened, plus I can't breathe & have a fierce cough with the 2nd hand smoke coming through the heat vents. Then there's the lovely mildew mold smell if you turn on the a/c. I called the housing authority today & told my caseworker - I couldn't live in this. At first she said she couldn't let me break the lease. When I mentioned 2nd hand smoke & plumbing, raw sewage backup, she said she'd call her supervisor & call me back.
Meanwhile, my daughter & her friend boy are coming tomorrow - & I can only describe my place as chaos - furniture in the middle of the floor since they haven't replaced the carpet pad - boxes everywhere. I didn't expect it to be perfect - I just wanted some semblance of order. Especially since I won't see her again for forever. AAAGGGHHHH
So - I've prayed - jouranalled - I'm having trouble letting go of this anger & frustration.
I can't get anything fixed, including my body, I'm just now starting to feel the exhaustion setting in, I'm broke, I have nothing to give anyone for Christmas, I can't even begin to think about/afford to move again - I'm DALT = Depressed - Angry, Lonely, Tired, Forget that it's Christmas - pressure to buy gifts & those stupid commercials about buying the perfect diamond for the love of your life - or "Home For the Holidays" AAAGGGHH May I scream? I'm tired of other people not accepting responsibility for their side of the street. My pharmacy company claims not to have received paperwork from August, the pharmacy says they sent it - I cussed at the girl & had to apologize - uggh - I'm explosive. and on... and on.. it goes. - Powerless, unmanageable, insane...etc. I don't even live with an active alcoholic (in my home) But oh yeah - will be seeing relatives this weekend.
Thanks for letting me come here to explode.
Ok - now I need ESH please from you wonderful SERENE people.
It sounds like you have made the calls you need to and now stay on them. What else did yoru ex say to do or who to call? Make sure you document phone calls, take pictures, write down new symptoms with dates and times too. Maybe HP is helping you get stronger and giving you this test? It is unfortunately a part of life and how this world works :) Hang in and try to stay positive. I will say prayers for you and send you lots of positive energy your way. Family is what matters. Stay close to your family and enjoy each other. Pretend you are stranded on a desert island and do the best you can :) Boy, I am really digging for ESH hahahaha. Keep humor in your life. You will surely laugh about this sometime in the future. Good luck and keep us updated. cdb :)
You are so funny with your title... Anyone seen my serenity! LOL I like to tell this girl that I work with who is losing weight not to worry, cause I keep finding it, and I will hold on to it for her...
Your daughter coming this weekend is a blessing. Your place has been too much for you. Your daughter is capable of helping you do the things you can't do alone. I am a daughter, and I love to help my parents out when I go home, it gives me a sense of contribution, and it is much better than sitting around for the few days I am there.
Can I ask why you say you won't see your daughter again forever?
*******Sounds like it's time to get back to the basics. Serenity prayer:
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change (go through your above list of complaints and figure out which ones you can change, and which ones you can't......then insert those here)
Courage to change the things I can (again, insert appropriate ones from your list above)
And the wisdom to know the difference. (I've found wisdom comes by asking God for it in prayer)
Ok, then take a deep breath and think on the slogans: Easy does it. How important is it? (list priorities) First things first. (make another list) Progress not perfection. Then my all time favorite: Just for Today.
Writing things down, making lists, prioritizing on paper always helps me. It helps me to not be so overwhelmed with all that I'm facing. It helps me get organized and realize that little by little, step by step I can get through the list by taking just one thing at a time and completing it.
Also in times of frustration and anger, it helps me to make a gratitude list. Go from A to Z and just list whatever comes to mind, big or small. Focusing on what we have versus what we don't have does help. You're daughters coming tomorrow, you do have family that you'll be seeing.......that right there is something to be grateful for.
Let us know how everythings going.
__________________
Kathy S --
~*I trust my Higher Power that I am exactly where I am supposed to be in my life today.*~
I was gonna try to respond to you individually, but I'm not sure if I'm doing it right.
Cdb - I love the idea of putting myself on a stranded island. See - HP has had me learn before the lesson of fighting for myself, but growing up in A home & dating & having in family, etc. I don't like conflict at all. So I either hide under covers - 1 extreme or stuff it until I explode - & that's not pretty. So in Alanon I have to learn that balance that middle ground. I don't like these lessons. Being on an island means survival - (don't like that word) - but I can temporarily call up those skills for now. Plus - I realize no one else is gonna come do it for me - right - never has before..... so yeah, HP is bringing me through this - I just don't want to blow it. I will take pics & am documenting everything I possibly can. I fill like I'm in a constant fight/battle - am I worth it? I feel like I am today. Thank you for your input.
Captcodee lol let me know if you find it. I will see my daughter again - she's going to college & lives in another state - long story of broken relationship there. I was a single, disabled, mom who needed Alanon at her birth, but didn't find it until she was in late teens. She lives w/ her dad in TN. Things can be stressful between us. My expectations are that she sees me for a few minutes & is off with friends. She's only 19. If I get anymore than that - I'm hoping she'll take some of her boxes I moved & stuff home with her, well that's great, if not, ok. She's at least an untreated Alanon. I'm grateful I get to see her. How sweet to help your parents out - they probably appreciate you more than you know. Thanks for your encouragment.
Kathy - you are right - the basics. I need to be in this room - & just saturate myself plus f2f when I can. These are things I know in my head. My sponsor has me do similar lists like you suggested & put the "can't control" category in my God drawer after I pray. It's getting full. I think He's been busy with the war & other stuff too :) Anyway, maybe I'm hormonal & getting older because I don't seem to be as patient as I used to be or am I less willing to accept unacceptable behavior? I did a gratitude list last night & I also do a different AtoZ thing w/ HP. I like your ideas. It's always good to see how other people "work it". Back to Basics. Great wisdom there. Thank you.
