The material presented
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I posted last week and said I had let go of my own program in some decieved notion that my disease was in remission...NOT
Someone told me that if it walks like a duck and talks like a duck then it must be a duck. That there was no need to keep looking for evidence, this disease of addiction always shows its true colors eventually, all on its own. It did yesterday.
My A was not home when the kids got home from school, no note. We all just knew. Between the time I called from the car on the way home from work and getting home -10 minutes- we had all processed this and just knew something was wrong. We being myself, and my 13 and 9 year old sons. The call came 5 minutes after I was in the door. He was stuck somewhere, state troopers, hospital, suicidal, extremely intoxicated/high....
Guess what I did, going against every bone in my body... I baked the cookies I had planned on baking for a cookie swap today and took my sons to the first varsity basketball game of the season for our town!!! I did not go to the hospital, I spoke to the crisis worker there, he was safe, not going anywhere and I told her I was not being cold hearted but that I had no intention of going there last night.
Then, the quiet of the house, the boys are asleep and of course, I am not. All night!!! So here I am, trying to figure it all out. I guess I will dig down deep and use what tools I have, what strength I ask my higher power for. I told my 9 year old last night, if you have to pray for strength every 10 minutes just to get thru the next ten minutes then do that. I guess I should get a direct line to the Big Guy!
I do need to share the details of his day and the sheer lunacy of it, but not right now. Right now I need to thank you all for being there to listen, share and know that if it were not for this program, I might just be the one in 4 point restraints on a suicide watch and then, where would my kids be??
Hi Lynn, I too have done what you have had to do. Go on and don't let it affect your life - it is really easier said than done. Still somewhere in the back of our heads things keep spinning. I hope that through all of this madness and by knowing that we are not alone we can pass some good thoughts and wishes to you. Please know that I will be thinking of you.
They tell us to act as if and fake it until you make it. Sounds like that is what you did. I like that you baked the cookies and took the kids to the game. That is what life should be like and not what the alcoholic throws at us. Make sure that you take care of yourself too.
Lynn.... first of all, big <<<hugs>>> to you and your family.... For what it's worth, it sounds to me that you handled the situation last night remarkably well, and maintained "some level" of calm and sanity for the three of you, which is most important....
As cold as this might sound..... the reality is that he is gonna do what he is gonna do..... If he chooses suicide, there isn't anything that you could have done to prevent it.... if he chooses to take this all as his "rock bottom" and finally "get it", you really can't "cause" that either. Taking care of yourself, and those precious sons of yours, is the number one priority right now. If you can be loving and supportive of your hubby, and NOT infringe on the health and serenity of the three of you, all the more power to you....
Very tough stuff, but when it comes right down to it, suicide is more or less a similar thing as using.....
Take care
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
What a very difficult thing to go through, especially at this time of year. You showed awesome program strength in your decision. I wish you and your children continued strength and hope..let's throw in some joy in their too. :)
So many of us have the holidays marked with tragedy. I'm glad your husband lived through what could have affected everyone's future Christmas's. I pray your husband gets the help he needs and for you and your children to find peace amidst the storm.
I use the duck saying a lot myself, everytime I question what is happening...It proves my questions right every time..
Take good care :) Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
congrats (((confused))) on handling that situation so well! i have the same thoughts, too, about where i would be if it weren't for this program. good for you for taking the steps you need to take for you and your kids.
Hi, Confused! Boy, do I know what you're going through. I can remember the times when things seemed to going okay with my A. Then the kids and I would come home from school and work, go through our usual routines, and if he wasn't home by a certain time we knew what happened - drinking again. Sometimes we would simply pull up in the driveway,see his truck gone, and we could just sense what happened to him. I used to panic a little, my heart would race, my legs felt weak, I'd lose patience with the kids,I'd be pissed off, and felt "Oh,no. Here we go again". A bad atmosphere fell over us. I did feel bad for my kids who,though they didn't usually show it, were upset. I realized that the best I could do for them and myself was to just make myself proceed with the rest of the evening as planned (even though his absence was sure felt). Try to keep some 'normalcy'. I'd be lying if I said it wasn't hard at first. It WAS! But because it happened so may times, we were able to fall into it a little easier each time. The disappointment was felt but it did not interrupt the kids and I as much and it also put his "stuff" on him....Also, my A had been taken to ER so many times as a direct result of drinking I lost track. One night I got a call from the hospital about him, listened to what they said, told them thank you and then went back to sleep. I did not tell the kids he was in the hospital because they'd really be even more worried about him and upset with me for not taking them to go see him. So they only knew he was still drinking. (he rarely came home during binges - he'd be gone for at least 2 weeks on a binge). You know what he did because I didn't go see him in the hospital after he'd been there 2 days? HE GOT DRUNK AGAIN! And I never went to the hospital again to see him whenever I got calls from them. It was just easier on all of us to stay away. And I didn't feel bad after a while because little by little he knew what he was doing was messed up - especially because his wife and kids wouldn't go see him. In fact, I believe he made his buddies take him to the hospital because he figured I'd be sorry for him, worried about him, and forget about how he ended up there in the first place. I hope you see how you are by no means alone and will find lots of help and release here...jaja
