The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
'xxxx'' Manly'. I firmly believe it's that mentality in our society that has kept many men away from the doors of Al-Anon. I know it did for me at first. 'I'm a man and I am strong and can handle my own problems' is what I would tell myself. You're a human being and human beings have emotions. Crying is not a sign that you are weak or any less 'manly' then the next guy People in like need help and support, regardless of who they are. This is not your fault and you have no reason to feel ashamed. I am also going to recommend face to face al-anon meetings in your area.
-- Edited by canadianguy on Thursday 20th of September 2012 11:53:57 AM
I love Jim's post. Thank you Jim. I recently went to a meeting and one man was sobbing and another man shared how helpful that was for him. Letting all the poison bubble up and come out is healing, stuffing it keeps us sick. He thanked him for having the courage to cry at the meeting, he said it was helping him to heal. Which is something I have always observed in al-anon, we are never healed alone, our healing helps the whole world to heal.
-- Edited by glad lee on Thursday 20th of September 2012 06:20:12 AM
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
My wife left to a 45 day in patient rehab 2 days ago. Before that she was in the hospital for a week detoxing. While I know that her getting clean is best in the long run I am struggling. We have been married for just over 2 years. Our twins are at her parents house till she gets out of rehab and I find myself in a huge funk. Today was the first birthday of my moms since she passed away last year. I am having a hard time being alone. I moved here from out of state when we got married and didn't get a job because I was taking care of our kids after she started drinking about a month after we got married. The Inlaws are pissed at me for being an enabler which I take responsibility for as I'm sure many here have also done. I have no friends or family here. I need some advice on what to do. I feel like crap am sleeping off and on an hour here an hour there. My appetite which is usually quite strong is nothing I forced myself to eat 5 chicken nuggets for the day I'm a 30 year old 6'3" 285 guy so I know that isn't anything. I find myself breaking down into tears which isn't really normal for me. It was hard dealing with her drinking but even with that she was here. I know that it's not real "manly" to be stating this but just thought I should reach out and ask for some help. Thanks in advance.
Hi Hwelcome to MIP. Good that your wife is addressing her disease, now is the perfect time for you to turn the focus on yourself. You feel empty and lost of course, this is where getting yourself to an Al-anon meeting will help...it will immediately break the isolation and you will be among people who understand completely your situation. Is this something you would consider? are there meetings where you are?
I found the first stint at rehab (one of many) I was too focused still on the drinker, waiting, watching, worrying, not eating, not sleeping.everything you describe. I didnt know how else to be..I made it all about them. I struggled for years before finally trying the al-anon programme and wish I had embraced it from the beginning. Ive been given many valuable tools which have enabled me to change my perception of the disease and my reactions to it. The people in meetings, and here, understand what living with an alcoholic/addict is like and by sharing our ESH (experience, strength & hope), being willing to try to change, our lives do get better whether the addict gets better or not.
She is safe and being looked after, please take care of you, rest, eat (even if you dont feel like it) Keep coming back here, keep sharing..we dont have to do this alone.
Im sorry for the loss of your Mum, first anniversarys are very emotive..(((((hugs)))))
Excellent post by Jadie, find your local al-anon meetings so that you don't have to do this alone., some offer babysitting. I found tremendous support within the group, and will always be eternally grateful they pulled me out of my isolation, I finally made life-long friends that understood what I had been through and whom I could trust.
Your in-laws are afraid. But they're not putting the blame squarely where it belongs - on their daughter. and that's too bad because they don't see that they, too, are enabling by blaming you and not her. The 3 c's in al-anon are: we didn't cause it, we cannot control it, and we can't cure it. So even though we played the role of an enabler, which isn't helpful, she would still be alcoholic. We do not have to power to make someone alcoholic. They either have the compulsion to drink, or they don't.
Take good care of yourself, my friend, with lots of good nutrition. and get outside, I used to love that I could use the excuse of taking the kids to the park so that I could benefit from the sunshine and fresh air. Relax. Find your local meeting. It's going to be okay. ((hugs))
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
Welcome to mip. Glad you found us and opened up about what's going on. To me, feelings are just that. They are neither manly or womanly.. maybe humanly :) It's a huge upheaval to a loved one's life when the person they care about goes off to rehab. Finding an in person Alanon meeting could be the initial answer to feeling less alone. Your in laws don't understand your feelings as is the case with people who aren't living in your shoes. Even in this program, we are quick to say that our lifes may reflect certain similiarities but our feelings are just that - OURS. I'm sorry you lost your mom last year. Grieving is an ongoing process. You experience a lot of firsts that happen after someone dies - the first holidays without them, the first birthdays including theirs, it's difficult to say the least. Compounded by the problem of alcoholism in a loved one is having salt rubbed into an open wound. You deserve attention in processing all the emotions you are experiencing. Having your children living with your in laws may also be affecting you and your children as well. Their lots of love to be shared between you. They also need you since they're too young to fend for themselves. No one can take their dad's place. Honestly, give an Alanon meeting a try. You can let your emotions out in the meeting rooms and not be judged. We know how devastating it is to live with active alcoholism. Best of luck to you as you begin your journey of recovery. Hug TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
It's okay to feel hurt and pain. I would suggest going to face to face Alanon. It's not wrong to care as much as you do about your wife but it will help to have more support elsewhere. She can't be your everything. That will be a problem for you and your marriage if you don't address finding balance and your own support network apart from her.
I find a man that is in tune with his emotions more manly than one who stuffs them any day of the week. I love that you are being accountable as an enabler and are putting your voice out there to be heard to get help and to help others with it. You sound like a good man to me. Face to face al-anon meetings saved me from going down with the ship and I am suggesting finding some in your local area. I also suggest a couple books that helped me. "Codependent No More" by Melodie Beattie and "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews, both books brough me great enlightenment. I hope you take good care of yourself. I am sending you love and support on your journey!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Thanks to all of those whom have answered already. Today I went to a family session at the rehab center she is at. I feel that it helped a little bit. It felt like an open place where I could talk which helped. I worry about her family showing up at these sessions though. My relationship in my mind at least is extremely strained. I feel like they have betrayed me on several different levels. I kinda expected them to rally around with me and that we would all work through this together. I guess that was my mistake for expecting that. Part of the rehab includes marriage counseling which I think will be a big help and I set up an appointment for Tuesday which I'm excited and scared about all at the same time. I have never been through counseling before and don't really know what to expect.
Maybe I don't understand this very well but is al anon the same meetings as AA. I don't want to go to meetings that my wife may end up attending later. I would like to find a family group maybe someone could clarify this for me. Thank you.
Alanon and AA meetings similar however two different meetings settings. You don't need to be concerned that your wife will attend those meetings when she gets out. It's good you want to keep your recoveries separate.
Welcome and keep coming back, hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
