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I’m just trying to get through just one day at a time. I feel like I’m being held hostage by the love and concern for my kids. And fear of letting them out of my life. My ex asked me to stay in the house until after the holidays. Not that we had agreed I would move out, but a few months ago that’s what she wanted. Now she’s not sure if she wants me to go or if she wants to see if we can salvage the relationship. In the mean time, I see how little time she has for the kids, working full time. I really want to be there for them (and for her) Getting them off the to the school bus in the morning. Cooking dinner. Helping with homework. Just family stuff. I really love my kids and am really starting to appreciate how much I enjoy being with them in sobriety. I don’t want them in my life on a part time basis. The settlement says I have them every Thursday night and Fri and Sat every other weekend. I hate it. This is not what I had in mind when I got sober 2 years ago.
From my point of view, my ex is still so consumed with anger and resentment, she’s blind to what’s right in front of her. She says she still loves me but not the way she should. How could she? I’m the blame for everything that’s wrong in her life, whether I have anything to do with it or not. The anger is always just below the surface and it doesn’t take much for it to surface.
I really don’t know what to do except to be there for my kids and take it one day a time. My son (14) is really struggling at school, complete lack of motivation, so I’ve been trying to help him along, but it’s like pulling teeth. But I can tell he appreciates the help I've been giving him My daughter (12) is doing well in school and keeps herself busy with her friends. I think she’s the most emotionally stable and mature of the 4 of us. Go figure. I can tell the kids want our family whole again. But this living in limbo is really taking it’s toll on all of us. I just wish my ex would make a commitment to really work on our relationship and stay in our house together. Sometimes I see a ray of hope. She slept in our bed this weekend. (forget about sex, I won’t even try) Other times she is so cold towards me, I wonder why I still bother trying.
Had a discussion with her about where we stand. I said ‘I love you and this would be a lot easier if you felt the same way, so many things would just take care of themselves.’ She said love does not solve the other problems, and I agreed. But I pointed out that if she loved me, we would have a direction to follow. A lot of the fear and doubt and insecurity would be gone. We would be working together to say together as a family. We wouldn’t worry about when the house will be sold and where and when we are moving to separate places. The kids would be more at ease and secure knowing that we are staying put. I don’t believe love alone solves problems, but I do believe love makes finding the solutions a lot easier to find.
This is killing me. I think my ex realizes that the divorce wasn’t the answer to our (or her) problems. But she’s too hard-headed and stubborn to admit she made a mistake, take ownership in her part in this, and move forward. She’s convinced that her recovery depends on having new friendships. Staying out at bars till 1 or 2 am and not coming home on weekends. Learning how to live ‘on her own.‘ Regardless of our unorthodox living situation; divorced and still living together in the same house, I don’t think a mother of 2 should be going out and not coming home at night. But I have no right to tell her what to do.
I’ve admitted my part. I openly talk about the mistakes I’ve made and the damage I’ve caused. I brought things up in my 9th step with her that she said she had even forgotten about. I can forgive her for everything she‘s done to hurt me, I don’t think she can forgive me.
I just want to do the right thing for everyone. I love my family and I know my motives are good. Why is this so hard? I’m allowing myself to be held hostage by this situation, but I really don’t want to live without my kids.
You wrote~~~~ "I just want to do the right thing for everyone." this is the part of codependence that I have a rough time with. I too want to do what is right for everyone but me. You responded to one of my posts a couple months ago telling me that asking "why" sometimes will drive you crazy. I found this very helpful. Please remember that if you don't take care of YOU who will? What are you doing for yourself? Children are reselent; they will bounce back and become stronger if you guide them. I have four sons, maybe what your son is going through may be attributed to what is going on in his life and just regular young teenage boy stuff. My sons all did really good in school until right around 7th or 8th grade. Your posts seems like you are still taking blame, it's okay to admit what we have done wrong, but my counselor told me because we admit our faults and handle things in a respectful assertive way it never guarantees that the other people in our lives will do the same. Uncle lou take care of you, sometimes that means working on ourselves and letting things happen the way they are supposed to. We are all part of a bigger plan. Hang in there. You are in my heart, thoughts, and prayers.
Your posts mean so much to me because they are so real and so raw. I understand the pain you are going through. My children went to their father's for a visit two months ago. He agreed to keep them when I left my husband until I could figure out what I was going to do. I asked him this favor as a friend. He has never had a relationship with them before. He refused to return them to me. I had to get my son from the school and bring him home with nothing but the clothes on his back. My daughter's school wouldn't let me pick her up. She's only eight and I haven't seen her for a few weeks. He won't let me call his house or even visit her. It hurts very much. I know I will not have her with us for the holidays. I am taking him to court for custody and I am afraid I may lose. My biggest fear is being moved to a part time parent status.
Everything you said about anger and resentment hit home as well. I have a lot of anger and resentment built up inside of me. It rears its head at the strangest times. I know it is there and not fair to either of us or the children, but don't know how to let go of it. I am continuing to try to work my program, but still don't know how not to be angry. I have no right to be angry since I chose to return to my husband who is very active in his addiction. Would your wife possibly attend marriage counseling with you?
I am so very sorry that you are hurting like this. (((((((lou)))))) Captcodees reply helped me to understand some things and I hope you get some more replies from people in similiar situations. Years ago when my husband asked me for a divorce, I started to take care of me and focus on me along with tips in the book I read from James Dobson. I actually did the things he suggested in his book and they helped save our marriage,,,the things I changed in me. It was hard on my kids too at the time. I wonder if your wife would consider family counseling? There is just so much we have no control over in other people. I just wish I could tell you all the book said that helped me at the time. If you want the name you can pm me here at the board. Basically it told me to stop acting like I needed him back and acting like a hurt puppy. Sort of like the fake it until we make it. We then look more appealing to our mate that way, with more confidence in how we act and how we dress etc. Well, that is just shraring my experience with what helped me at the time. It sort of is similiar to putting the focus on us in alanon but it gave specific things to do. Know that even if you don't see your kids as much as you want, you will still have a good relationship with them and they could even choose to live with you later on too, especially at their age. Wishing you all the best and will say prayes for you and your family. your friend in recovery, cdb
Extra hugs for you. I do believe that with love all things are possible.
However having said that, it takes work on both sides. You can't be in a healthy and happy relationship with a person, if one is healthy (emotionally and physically) and one isn't. I believe that it takes 2 strong, emotionally independent people to be a strong relationship. Just because you're emotionally independent doesn't mean that you don't care about that person. It means that if (heaven forbid) that somethings happens to one partner, the other partner can move on. Having the tools to stand alone, means you'll be able to stand together in good times, and most importantly together. That's why my A and I are living apart. We both need to be healthy. Especially him. He needs to realize (and slowly is) that he can stand alone. He doesn't need the alcohol to numb his pain, etc. Not being an addict, and having been through alot of emotional turmoil, I know that I can survive. I always have. You will too.
Cut yourself some slack friend. Not everything is your fault. I know that's a hard habit for addicts to break. You blame yourself for everything. You were just looking after the kids. Mary's right, your son's grades may just be a phase. Not being a parent, I don't know. But try not to project. That's how my A and I get into trouble all the time. We catch each other doing it.
Hang in there. Keep taking care of yourself and the kids. Be good to yourself. You deserve it. Don't ever doubt the fact that you deserve a long, happy, loving life.
Live strong, Karilynn
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
After reading everyone's posts here, all I can say is from the initial post this is a wonderful thread. Uncle Lou, I'm sorry for all the pain your going thru {{{Lou}}} but am happy you are here and shared this with us.
I was also struck by the line "I want to do the right thing by everyone" That jumped right out at me. I tried that, sometimes I'm still trying it. All that did for me was help me build resentments. It allowed me to get sucked into my own ill behavior. By trying to do the right thing, all I've ended up doing was giving my children a 2nd dysfunctional model in their lives.
Other's shares made me think of something else. My wife and I we not on the same emotional or growth level very long. It is hard to have a relationship when one partner is working so hard and another won't or can't. I know my A has implored me to go get my own help. That I need a therapist, etc. Guess what, when I got one, she didnt' like it. Also, as I'm making changes, she doesn't like it. These changes take us both out of our 'comfort zones' no matter how uncomfortable those zones are. They are habitual known entities.
I can't work her program and she can't work mine. All I can do is continue to work on me. I can't project the benefits of my program later on. If I stay w/ my A...then they will benefit this realtionship, if not...maybe, just maybe I can break some of these patterns if I ever dare to have another relationship. One benefit that is in the here and now. As I change my behaviors to more healthy ones, they will have a new model. They may not understand why I'm doing what I do now. They may hate me for it. I can't make them accept my model is correct. I can just be that model.
Whether my wife accepts my amends, whether she forgives me , whether she loves me how you need to be loved, are all beyond my control. As much as they would make my life easier if they were all what I thought I needed, I can only take care of myself.
Bob
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You are a perfect child of God and God and I love you just the way you are! (added by me...in that special alanon way)
do you forgive yourself for things you have done in the past? i think your wife may be working her program in the wrong ways but you are working yours wonderfully. continue to work on yourself, you are doing the best you can. she will handle her part in her own ways. i too hold alot of resentment towards my a for things he's done in the past. theres nothing i can do, it was the past, i just have to move on from it. he is trying so very hard to give me what i want. he is not the problem in this, i am. i hold too high of expectation. so what im trying to say this is also not your problem. you only have control over yourself and sound like your doing everything right. it is your wife that isnt. tc of yourself and i hope things work out.
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stay in the now...dont look forward, dont look back....your life is what you make of it
(((unclelou)))) thanks for posting. you are in my prayers. you are in a difficult situation. I do believe in the resilience of kids. I do believe if you take steps to take care of yourself and be respectful of the needs of others, your kids will learn a lot from your lead.
having grown up in an alcoholic home, i have to say I am not a fan of sticking it out for the sake of the kids without taking steps to take care of yourself first. i watched my parents stick it out for the sake of my brother and i for many years, which meant that i lived for years in isolation. too afraid something i would do would stir things up, too afraid not saying anything would stir things up, too afraid just by being the thing they were supposedly sticking things out for would stir things up.
i believe there are many paths to consistency, stability, and providing a loving presence. i know if you pray about it and do the next best thing you can see to do, you will find it. thanks so much for your posts. i think you are doing a great job (((lou))).
Lou--I truly love to read your posts. I love honesty and openness, I thank you for being that way! I know it is discouraging when you want to try so hard and your wife does not feel like "doing" her part in making things better. I am not trying to justify what she is doing, but I am just giving a female's side. After my divorce (granted the situation was different) I wanted to be a completely different person--and that person really wasn't a good one!! Unfortunately I just kind of lost it for a bit (completely embarassing now, but true!). I had spent so much effort and time on taking care of my husband's wants and his "needs" my co-dependent self had not taken care of myself that I'm the only person I wanted to think of. Was that right? NO! but it is what happened. Give her time eventually things may work out, if they are supposed to, but it will take lots of time--two years seems like forever when you are going through it, but one of these days (Oh 20 years or so from now) it will just seem like a bump in your road. I hope I'm not making "too light" what you are going through, that is not my intention!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You seem like a very strong man, who is honestly trying to do what is right, who is truly sorry for the pain he caused in his past and has a genuine want to make things right. I just so strongly believe that if that is the case things will turn out o.k.--not necessarily always how we would hope or want, but will turn out the best way for us as seen and known by our HP.
I hope I made it better and not worse!! I'm not sure if what I said came across well or not.
I love to read your posts - your E, S and H very diff from mine - my A is my daughter, and Ok, if you're counting, my m-i-l, my 2 nephews, sister in law, blah blah, way it is with the family disease!
My late husband was a good provider, he always worked and, thank God, paid into a pension to provide for me. I too, always worked, part-time, and did everything round the home. The way we used to argue and feel resentful was, HIM = working all the hours + overtime to provide - Me = looking after EVERYTHING in the home, and for the children, and.... still had to do part time work (which he dismissed as a few hours to get me out of the house!)
I hear what you are saying about wanting the best for the family, what I dont hear is, what are you contributing, financially? I know this sounds hard, but, love just is not enough, children need shoes on their feet, and food on the table. If your wife is doing the providing, maybe she is missing out on the time with the kids, maybe she is resentful of this.
Please dont be offended. There is a balance, I did not quite find it when my kids were young. I hope you can.
Also, well, if you are going to be offended, the damage has been done!!!! There is just a hint in your posts, that, maybe you feel you are the one doing all the work. I felt like that for years, my martyr period! Alcohol has damaged your family, Uncle Lou, there is no good guy and bad guy here, just two damaged people.
Previous posts have suggested family counselling. Have you and your wife talked about this? What I can hear is someone who is ready to make progress. My hope for you is that you and your wife can examine all your options and decide what is best for you both and your children.
Financially, we are separate. I'm responsible for half of the household and kids expenses until the house is sold and then I owe child support. I put my Engineering career on hold to go to rehab and postponed getting back into it. When unemployment was running out, I was looking for a new engineering job when she told me to 'get a job or get a lawyer.' Everyone, including the lawyer I consulted, told me to hold off on finding a full time job until the settlement was done. So I worked in construction for cash and still am till I find a full time job. Did she want me to find a job to ask for alimony or more child support? Is full time employment a prerequisite to true love? For the past 14 years I was the main wage earner and for 5 of those years my wife earned next to nothing while she raised the kids. I never had a problem with that. I was just hoping that she could support us for a short time while I got my sobriety under control and got back to work. Was that too much to ask? I had just finished building the house, I designed it and was the general contractor for the construction. Earned us about $250,000 by building so money should not have been an issue. Our mortage was our only debt, and it was managable with her income and my part time income in construction.
I don't do 'everything'. I give her a lot of credit for working as hard as she does. I wish she would back off sometimes from trying to do too much at once. She had gotten a little better about it.
This whole divorce mess really effected my already low self esteem and has made my recovery and career stuff that much more difficult to handle. I'm still working hard on it.
Sounds like there is lots of focus on your exwife, lots of focus on the kids, not much focus on you. You can't make her love you the way you want her to. You can't make her treat you the way you want her to. I'm sorry, this is so hard to accept, but it is so. What I hear from what you are writing is that you don't like how she is feeling or acting, and so are doing all you can to change her. Now, I don't blame you for not liking it, but it really is not yours. Anger and resentment from her is not pleasant for you to experience, it's not in her best interest either, but if that's what she feels, then you need to accept that she has a right to her feelings.
My husband is sober roughly the same amount of time as you, and I find that I really don't want to hear too much "Hurry up and get better" from him. It's as if he feels that the whole agenda of the household has to be built around his issues - when he was drinking, our lives revolved around his moods, his needs - now that he is sober, we are all supposed to be in 'recovery' mode with him. If the kids or I have a different timetable, or different priorities, he is not happy with that. It's as if he is the only one who has a right to be sick - I know that sounds silly, but when I show that I have issues, and unhealed wounds from things that have happened, he has no patience with it - "that's old news, we're done with that". Well, it may be old news to him, but I still have to work through these things at my own pace. I hope that this may give you a little insight as to how it may be looking from your ex-wife's perspective. You can't drag her into recovery any more that she could drag you, in your drinking years. Focus on yourself, do your best, and it will all work out in some way, eventually.
..now that he is sober, we are all supposed to be in 'recovery' mode with him. If the kids or I have a different timetable, or different priorities, he is not happy with that. ...
I'm fine with different timetables, priorities, and perpspectives. I accept that everyone sees things from their own unique point of view and is intitled to their feelings. What I'm not happy with was being forced into a divorce and forced into a situation where I cannot be a full time parent to my kids. I hear what you're saying, but put yourself in your husband's shoes if you forced that on him right now. That's what's so hard to deal with.
I can't help but reflect back on previous posts where your wife has not really known what she wanted and was divided over her loyalty between you and another man. I hope you don't take this the wrong way but I feel that she may be using your good nature and vulnerability at the moment. This is not the first time she has asked you to stay in the house. Maybe it is her way of paying you back I don't know. The roles seem to have reversed a little here she is out until all hours and you are more of the homemaker. I feel you could be heading for more heartache. You are working your program really well. Try to keep the focus on just you and the kids it is great that you are re-building your relationship with them. Luv Leo xx
