The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I became cranky tonight and wasn't sure why, just sure that everyone noticed. I took a bath and thought about it. My husband came in and asked me what was wrong. I told him that he messed up Friday night in the worst way and he has just continued on like nothing happened. I was depressed that nothing would ever change. He told me, very sweetly, that he knows it's hard, but I need to quit worrying about him. He said I am going to make myself sick from worrying so much. He also told me that it was his problem and I needed to let him handle it. He said that there's nothing I can do. He said he is powerless over his addiction and it's HIS addiction so how am I supposed to do anything about it?
The thing is, he was right, but I became angry that all of a sudden it's convenient to tell me that it's his problem and he needs to deal with it. He's not telling me that when he's spent all of the bill money or he's broke and wants me to fix everything. I quit fixing things months ago and now he wants to assume responsibility.
My mother-in-law gave me a hard time when I left him. Today she apologized and said I was right to leave because he's never going to change. He had her fooled while I was gone. She thought he was clean. I told her not to apologize, he's good at hiding things. She said that even though we are married that this is my house and next time he needs to leave. She said that this is my home and my children's home and we shouldn't have to leave. She won't even speak to him. She normally rationalizes things for him and this time she is not. She wouldn't even buy him a pack of cigarettes yesterday. I had to take the two year old to her house last night and she told me to come alone and not bring him. His family is really at the end of the rope with him. He is angry that his family is acting this way. Although he does realize that he did it himself.
I am trying to focus on me and the kids and overall, feel like I am doing okay. It's at night when I have nothing to do but think that I start feeling all of these things that I can't sort out. i stay so busy during the day that I don't have much time to worry about him.
Someone told me once that worrying is like a rocking chair, it keeps you busy but you never get anywhere....thought that might help you right now. Hang in there. Read lots about the disease and about what we do as the codependent people in their lives. I was a mess 18 months ago, there is hope, I made decision to change me. (well, I went to jail for throwing a phone at him, so I was kind of forced in a way to change me...LOL) I have changed! I am starting to like myself more, I still worry sometimes, my A has 29 days today. It truely one day at a time. I also find myself getting angry and snapping, but I take a break and find out what's going on under the surface. Sometimes I appear angry but when I check in with myself I find that at times I am feeling lonely, unappreciated, scared, or just plain overwhelmed. Be gentle with yourself.
