Question1. Yes you are being reasonable not to buy his alcohol. Alanon teaches us not to enable and buying alcohol for an alcoholic is enabling. I did it for YEARS before I learned not too.

Question 2. If the chat never worked before it likely won't work now. This is what I did: I bought the AA Big book, medical information about alcoholism from the web - someone posted you the link and the AA schedule of meetings. I put it on my husbands nightstand.

Question3. I don't have children but I am sure others can share.

In alanon we don't give each other advice.

Here we share our experience, strength, hope (ESH) so that others can learn from it.

Keep coming back.

There are meetings in the chat room 9am and 9pm. Also if you can get out to face to face meetings they are very helpful too.

Welcome to YOUR recovery

No you have it right.

We share what works for us and let you make up your own mind about what you will do in your life.

Yes, here we share what worked, (and didn't work) for us, and you can pick what seems best for you.

I was like you - I always wanted to hae a 'talk' - to try to give my husband my point of view. I used to write him letters, I used to choreograph speeches, I used to try to find ways to show him how much his behaviour was hurting us all. Mostly, it didn't work very well.
I think the problem was - I believed that if he only understood how much his drinking hurt me and the kids, he would stop. I was wrong. He knew all along how much it hurt us, but he COULDN'T stop, or at least he thought he couldn't. Therefore, the only way he could handle my 'talks' was to get defensive, feel like he was being attacked, and attack back as hard as he could. If he had actaully allowed himself to listen, he would have had to face up to the fact that his drinking was destroying all of our lives. He was not ready to face that, and so did everything he could to avoid hearing me.
When I stopped talking to him about drinking, he actually drank a little less, and was less abusive with it. He didn't have to drink to avoid thinking about me, so he had one less demon to hide from.
At alanon we say that saying something once is making your point of veiw known - saying it more than once is nagging. He knows you don't like his drinking, you don't have to tell him again. If you do feel that you need to just spell it out clearly, once and for all, it might be helpful to examine what you really expect to happen. Then taking into account the past, and what you know about his character and responses, is that outcome likely? For me, I think what I wanted was "Oh, gee honey (slaps forehead) I didn't realize. No problem, I'll stop drinking right now!" Of course, there was not a hope in hell of such a thing actually happening. Once I accepted that, life became saner. If there is no chance of getting what you want from a confrontation, why not spare averybody the pain of it, and just try something else?

The best thing you can do for your kids is to remember that one sane parent is better than no sane parents. If their father is drunk, and their mother is crazy, things are not good for them. There is not much you can do about HIS behaviour, but there is lots you can do about your own.
Our program seems frustrating at first to many, because we don't tell you what to do. If you take a little time, though, go to meetings, read as much as you can, some of it will click. Until then, welcome - this is a safe palce to vent - you can tell US how mad you are, saves having a fight with your husband when you tell HIM. Recovery is possible, your life can be better than it is right now.

Dear Conwolf,

You remind me so much of myself, when I first came to Alanon - was instantly ready to apologise for asking questions - lol, what else are we supposed to do, inhale the program? You are very welcome here, and please do not ever be afraid to ask, or say what is on your mind, or in your heart.

My A is my daughter, not my spouse - so I can not be of much help, except that I thought talking to her would work - sigh, I would wait till she was sober, then try, the same old sensible talk that had never worked before, and expect it to work miracles! When she went to AA, I thought they would tell her the same, but she would listen, as it was not her mom. I was really miffed when they told her to concentrate on her own recovery.

Two things I would like to share with you:

1) When I went to Alanon and worked my own program, my relationships with my two sons improved tenfold - they were so relieved, you see, they had been drawn into the whole mess of hiding things - sparing my feelings.

2) I once went to a meeting for prospective Alateen sponsors, it was an Alateen meeting. I have no desire to be an alateen sponsor, but got talked into it, as there was a shortfall. Anyway, the shocking thing to me, being the good guy in all this, was the resentment felt towards the non A parent. These kids knew the mom or dad was a drunk, they resented the other parent for not being honest, not taking charge, not helping them, helping the A, most of all, they resented the covering up, being treated as if they did not know what was going on at home.

Please come to the chat room, go to face to face meetings if possible, weigh things up, this program has helped many thousands of people - maybe it could help you.

Whatever you decide, take what you like and leave the rest - maybe some Alanon literature will help, sometimes, just reading things, quietly, on our own, makes more sense at a given time.

You are very welcome here, thank you for your share, it helps people like me to remember the reality of what things were like when I came to Alanon - sometimes, I backslide, cant be bothered with meetings etc., hearing someone talk about the reality of active drinking reminds me of how I need to work on my own recovery.

Lots of love,

Flora
xxxx