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I haven't posted in a while. But I have still been here every day, reading and learning. Anyway, a lot has happened lately.
My husband, a meth addict, admitted to being high to his parole officer on Halloween. So his officer made him do meetings. Then he was rude to the officer so he made my husband go to an outpatient program at the parole office every day. This put us in financial hardship because he could not work. I pulled my son out of daycare, thus losing a much coveted spot there. We cut back and made our rent for December, but don't know where January's rent will come from. Over Thanksgiving, my husband went on a binge and starting faking the officer's weekly tests over the next few weeks. (Spent freaking two hundred dollars of money we don't have!)
Finally, I called the officer because he was about to go out of town, driving the bigrig on the weekend for a job. And he had been awake for two weeks. So the officer gave him one last chance. He sent him to county jail for six days to dry him out. He is there now and will come out on Tuesday. He will then be able to go back to work, thank HP.
Thing is, I have been calm and fine. I have not missed him at all. I don't really even want to be with him, except he supports us financially. I don't even think he will be able to stay clean. If he messes up again he goes back to prison for six months.
He says he wants to "program", but I told him "Actions speak louder than words". I'm just so tired of the same thing happening over and over I don't have the energy to give him support and encouragement because it doesn't do any good.
Should I even try? Is it worth the energy to try to help him? NOTHING has worked in the past and I am tired of being disappointed. If he ends up in jail again I won't be able to finish my college courses and that thought is scaring me I guess. My future and my kids future depends on what he does all the time and I feel it is not fair.
Does anyone have any experience with just having an "I could care less" attitude and what they did about it? Maybe I am just really "done" with this whole relationship????
For me, the 'don't care anymore' feeling was more one of just being beat down past the point where I could take any more pain. It was more a protective covering over my feelings, because I just couldn't stand being exposed to that emotional roller coaster any more. My feelings were still there, I just couldn't allow myself to feel them any more, it hurt too much.
Don't know if that is where you are, or if you really are DONE with this relationship. You probably won't know either, until either he reawakens your feelings for him by becoming the man he can be, without his disease, or you leave, and realize that your main emotion is one of relief!
It's so hard when you are at the financial mercy of someone else's addictions. It's easy for an outsider to say "Money can't buy happiness" because it can buy warm winter coats for your kids, and food, and light and heat. We have reasonably good social services where I live, and free medical care, and almost full employment. If you haven't got that kind of safety net, the whole 'do I stay or do I go?" question is a lot harder.
My heart goes out to you. I am emotionally where you are. My husband keeps begging me to give him "one last chance" "I promise...". He going to go to meetings, he going to check himself into rehab...I am tired of listening to the lies, tired of getting my hopes up and tired of caring. I don't have the time or energy to care anymore. He told me last night that he is moving out so he won't hurt us anymore and I found myself hopeful he would leave. of course, he didn't. There is nothing we can do but work on ourselves. The first thing I have to do is find a job. I can't depend on him financially as long as he's using meth and crack. I can't depend on him emotionally. I can only depend on him to let me down.
Someone told me yesterday on the board that depending on him would be like going to the lumber yard for milk...it's not going to happen. I agree. Do what feels right for you.
i'm so sorry for your pain through this, I know I have gotten my hopes up before that my a would stop, only to be disappointed again. Sounds like you're "giving up" may be "letting go." Letting go of what you can not control (his addiction and behavior), and trusting that your HP will take care of the rest. Do you have any other resources that you can turn to at this time, or is only your husband? Although i hate to do it (pride), I find I need to ask for help sometimes from family members.
It's always tough Julie... but it does sound to me like you are starting to do a good job of just seeing the facts for what they are..... I'd question your one comment, of that you only want him "because we depend on him financially", as it really sounds like he is much more of a financial burden right now.... If we have to start any line with "when he is sober....", then that is a good sign that we are still struggling with the whole fact vs. want thing....
No advice from me on whether or not it is over for the two of you - that one is all yours - my only thoughts are, from what you have posted, he is not yet ready to fully commit to recovery....
Take care
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Yes I know what the "I could care less" attitude is about, I use it when he's not home as expected. I don't exactly know where he is or what he is up to, but I have accepted the fact that I can't do anything about that. It has made all the difference in the world to me. Whether or not he comes home is not up to me at that point, and I no longer lose sleep over it. Finally after all these years some of the serenity offered by this program has taken a firm hold.
I have no family anywhere nearby to lean on, but I have a job and am secure in the knowledge that if I had to I could take care of myself and my children. We wouldn't be living like royalty, but we would survive just the same.
What I'm trying to say is, instead of saying "I give up", rephrase that to "I will take care of me, no matter what he does".
Only you can decide when you have had enough. I can relate to the peace you feel when they are not around. There is no tension and walking on eggshells when they are using. As for the financial security he provides that is not consistent as he is in jail. Don't make any decisions until you are feeling calm and clear headed. Ask Hp for guidance. You know sometimes there are subtle signs along the way of which path we should choose but we don't recognize them. Just take one day at a time. Here for you. Luv Leo xx
In relation to your college courses, if you cannot continue, consider the alternatives: on-line college
Get a job that will pay for the college courses
Postpone them for when your life is settled
Your financial dependence:
Can you get a job
Financial assistance
Local programs to help
NOTHING has worked in the past:
What can you do differently now to take care of you and your children?
I did not have the “I could care less” attitude because I always cared and still do.
It is when I let my caring go from trying to control my husband and his using and recovery, and focused on myself and my recovery, that I started to get better
In support
megan
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Megan
If you want things you never had you need to do things you have never done
I have had times of giving up completely! And I post here and get suggestions and support. Those times seem to last less and be longer in between now. I bounce back quicker now too. Keep on hanging in for YOU and the kids. The kids need you to be calm and sane. I see you have gotten some great replies. Keep on posting and reaching out. cdb
I agree that all of your responses are very caring and supportive and thought provoking. i thank you from the bottom of my heart and will keep posting. You guys are the best
