The material presented
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this is so hard to write as i feel like i look like a fool. but this is what happened. my a came home to give me money for rent as right now i cant afford it by myself. he ended up telling me he didnt want to leave. i admitted my wrongs for starting a fight with him just because i was feeling insecure from the past. we apologized and he is home with me tonight. his friends have been trying to get a hold of him all night to take him out for his bday. my a told them straight out no. he went out to a casino for a bit with his mom and didnt drink there either. he is blowing me away by all of this. i didnt think he would continue to be sober this long with everything going on. maybe he really does want recovery. hope so. as for me i see i have so much work to do. i must learn to bite my toungue and live in the present. stop putting all his wrongs back there in his face. i said i feel like i look like a fool because i allowed him back in. hope none of you think that about me. thank you so much for all of your support. im gonna work this program even harder to fix my flaws. my confidence is growing by the day, i can feel it. i can see changes taking place in how i see things now. i dont know what tomorrow will bring but right now im here safe in my home with my man snoring on the couch beside me. ahhh sounds so good.
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stay in the now...dont look forward, dont look back....your life is what you make of it
((((notso)))) I tried replying earlier today to one of your earlier posts, but the internet gods decided to delete my reply by taking me to "page not available" when I hit the "submit post" button....so I just figured ok, maybe I wasn't meant to post that... LOL
Anyhoo, no dear lady, you are not a fool at all. You are a kind loving woman just trying to do the best she can. It is both so easy and yet so hard to love an alcoholic. Often I think to myself am I doing the right thing by staying, and the only answer I have to that, is that by staying I am learning so much about me, about how I think, how I act... so much that I would never have looked at before or even thought needed changing. It is like windows opening up in my brain letting in the sunshine...showing me those things hidden in the corner, showing me the cobwebs that need sweeping, and also showing me the strengths I had forgotten I had.
From being here in Al-Anon, I see that had I just left without first finding me, I would have ended up in just another similiar relationship. If I myself am not healthy, how can I recgonize it in anyone else?
And then there is that little matter of love.... I have the benefit of knowing my hubby is willing to work on the relationship. He just isn't ready to quit drinking. Right now I can live with that. He doesn't cheat on me, he doesn't lie to me. We have our problems and issues, but they are things we can still work on. Will it always be like this? I have no idea. Only HP knows for sure. I haven't yet heard HP tell me to leave, so I guess I am right where I am supposed to be. For better or worse......
Be easy on yourself and keep coming back!
Much love, Kis
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Let your light shine in the darkness. "I can't just bring my mind to meetings...I must also bring my heart."
The decision to let him back in, to contiue to live w/ an active or inactive A is a personal decision. Only you know all the reasons behing your choice etc.
I'd hope nobody in any alanon group would consider you a fool. We are all supposed to be non judgmental here. There are sucess stories of those who left their As, there are sucess stories of those who stayed, even when there was no sobriety.
Just keep working your program, just keep growing. You'll set healther boundries and work on you. If you can stay in your marraige, great. If you can't great. Both roads will be frought w/ hurt, pain and mistakes. Both with have happy times.
No matter whta you do though, working the program will help you grow. What happens beyond that, is a bonus !
{{{{NSN}}}}
Bob
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You are a perfect child of God and God and I love you just the way you are! (added by me...in that special alanon way)
You are not a fool and please don't think that, we would never judge you here. I set a boundary a while back for my A that if he drank I would leave or ask him to leave well he did drink and guess what we are still together. After a few weeks of having every Saturday in tears not knowing where I was going or what to do we had it out. Communicated really well. I told him that I was not afraid to be on my own etc. and fingers crossed things have been good. I live in a small town and there was a do on yesterday for every one who works for one of the builders. I saw all the cars parked there and thought yep big p.. up and that is where he will be. Well I was wrong just as you were he had taken all his non alcoholic beer with him and in front of everyone was drinking that. He came home totally sober. We revert to our old patterns because they have let us down so much in the past that we expect it to happen again. Give your relationship your best shot if it doesn't work out you have done your best that is all you can do. Luv Leo xx
You are not a fool. You are human. You sound like a compassionate, loving person. I know I have spoken w/u in chat and I can't remeber if you go to f2f. If so keep going. If not try to find some meetings. Keep coming here and to the chat room. Work the program and follow hp's lead. It sounds like you are doing that already
Don't feel like a fool. One thing I have learned how to be gentle with myself. I took my A back too. He was still drinking at the time. He has 26 days today. I have been feeling lonely though, as he is not drinking but he still is never here. I am sure I will work through it. It is easy to get the old thought process going again. The "what if" game that we all play. Change is hard, even when it's good change. Keep working your program, do what's right for you and your A. Concentrate on you. Work on trusting your thoughts and feelings. Feel your feelings.
Wow.... today is soo good.... yesterday was sooo bad.... such is the life of living with an active A.... As we grow in our programs, we start to get off the roller coaster ride (or at least, get onto the kiddie rollercoaster). My biggest fear over your post, is your "happiness and serenity" is soooooo tied into him right now - what he does or doesn't do...
Embrace today, as it is a good one.... but mostly as renourishing your spirit, for the work we all have to do in our programs.... It has been my experience, that until they "fully commit" to their sobriety, most A's try to figure out the "bare minimum" that they can do, so that they can still keep their life, AND their addiction, going strong....
Just my thoughts... Hope you take care of you
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
The fool to me is the one who judges others :) You are the only one that is living your life and only you and your HP know what is best for you. I see so much confidence in you too :) Keep on posting and working your program. Who knows what great and wonderful things will be in store for you:) your friend in recovery, cdb :)
I think we have all felt like others would think we were fools at one time or another.. If those others aren't living your life, loving your man, let them think what they will. It'll make no difference in your life!
I have always been quite an independant person when it comes to wondering what others will think of me if I do such and such. I have never cared!!
You are a couragious, loving, caring person, and working on being the best you can, not a thing foolish about that! Ya know, you're happy with the man you love snoring on the couch, that's what really matters. Living with an A isn't easy, but for me, it's well worth it! Life can sure be terrible at times, but it gives us strength and confidence that we can make it. I think the happiest times are HP's way of giving us a rest. Enjoy and cherish it. I am so happy for people when they are happy, sad for them when they're not, that's the way this 'other person' thinks of you!! Enjoy!
